Categorized Quotations

Quotations: Humorous

Not all quotations are serious. This page is a large collections of humorous quotes, many of which are still quite thought-provoking despite their comical nature. Browse through more funny quotations at the Well of Wisdom.



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*****
"I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit."
-Jack Handey

*****
"I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit."
-Jack Handey

*****
"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."
-Jack Handey

*****
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."
-Jack Handey

*****
"Arguing with the moderators is like shaking your fist at God. There's nobody there; and if there is, he's not listening. And if he's listening, all you're doing is pissing him off."
-foobar104, on Slashdot.org

*****
"If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church."
-???

*****
"It's strange. I think it's kind of a strange hobby to have. I just play soccer."
-Amber, 12, on her mother's collection of AOL disks

*****
"Cisco cleverly sold software that plugged into the wall, had a fan and got warm. People had a long history of buying things that plugged into the wall, made noises and got warm."
-Ralph Gorin, on how Cisco Systems began

*****
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
-Dave Barry

*****
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat."
-Albert Einstein

*****
"Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater."
-Albert Einstein

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"Fish die belly-upward and rise to the surface; it is their way of falling."
-André Gide

*****
"When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money."
-Frank McKinney Hubbard

*****
"A man who exposes himself when he is intoxicated has not the art of getting drunk."
-Dr. Samuel Johnson

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"I think it's too easy to write bad code in perl. I responded to that by increasing my discipline as a programmer, and writing clean perl code. Other people respond by writing programs that look like modem init strings."
-Uruk (from the web)

*****
"I'm glad cavepeople didn't invent television, because they would havejust sat around and watched talk shows all day instead of creating tools."
-Dave James



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*****
"After the meek inherit the earth, I think we should just kick their butts and take it from them."
-Jim Rosenburg

*****
"If you ever happen to meet someone from Chumbawamba, be sure to knock 'em down, and see if they get back up again."
-???

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"Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my car, encasing me inside and leaving me to slowly fall into an oxygen-deprived coma, from which I awaken five years later to find my wife remarried to my best friend. But then I think maybe I'm just being paranoid, because what are the odds of *that* happening again?"
-Jack Handy

*****
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy

*****
"Spring is nature's way of saying 'Let's party!'"
-Robin Williams

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"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."
-???

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"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."
-Jasper Carrott

*****
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

*****
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
-George Carlin

*****
"Dancing is like a shower: one wrong turn and you're in hot water!"
-MAD Magazine

*****
"I came, I saw, I shopped a little bit."
-bumper sticker

*****
"A world which is perfectly safe for the stupidest imaginable wanker is a damned annoying place in which to live for anyone else."
-Douglas G. Henke

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"I only watch Baywatch for the articles."
-Cheef Dan

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"I just took an IQ test. The results were negative."
-???

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"If all it takes is an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters, how come AOL haven't written any Shakespeare yet?"
-Andy Dingley

*****
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
-???



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*****
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
-???

*****
"Where the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1 1/2 tons."
-Popular Mechanics, March 1949

*****
"Jesus died to forgive our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"
-Jules Feiffer

*****
"Self-discipline implies some unpleasant things to me, including staying away from chocolate and keeping my hands out of women's pants."
-Oleg Kiselev

*****
"Sure, your guilt might force you to vote Democrat, but secretly deep down inside you long for the Republicans to lower your taxes, ignore the poor, brutalize prisoners, dictate what goes on in your bedrooms and rule you with an iron fist."
-Sideshow Bob

*****
"Sanity is a one trick pony -- all you have is rational thought. But when you're good and loony, the sky's the limit!"
-The Tick

*****
"Working with Unix is like wrestling a worthy opponent. Working with windows is like attacking a small whining child who is carrying a .38."
-puck

*****
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."
-John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987

*****
"Just give up. Use windows. Use explorer. Buy an SUV for your daily commute. Shop at Fry's. Use PacBell DSL. Listen to top 40. It'll all just be so much easier. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED."
-Hoche

*****
"It's easy to get lost in thought if it's not familiar territory to you."
-???

*****
"There are a thousand forms of subversion, but few can equal the convenience and immediacy of a cream pie."
-Noel Godin

*****
"Faith is when you believe something that you know ain’t true."
-???

*****
"In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks."
-Scott Adams

*****
"A fool and his money are soon venture capital."
-???

*****
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-???

*****
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little."
-Porterfield



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*****
"Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law."
-???

*****
"There are three stages of a man's life: When he believes in Santa Claus, when he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, and when he is Santa Claus."
-???

*****
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
-M. Grundler

*****
"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."
-Jay Leno

*****
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
-Albert Einstein

*****
"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
-Samuel Goldwyn

*****
"Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much better."
-Laurie Anderson

*****
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
-Groucho Marx

*****
"The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist."
-Aaron Machado

*****
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-Charles H. Duell, Director of the U.S. Patent Office, 1899

*****
"A Bus Station is where buses stop. A Train Station is where trains stop. On my desk, there is a Work Station."
-Jojn Wätte

*****
"Shop our store with great deals on the material things you capitalist pigs have been brainwashed into craving."
-Found on Website: UGO Networks, Inc

*****
"What I'm against is quotas. I'm against hard quotas, quotas that basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society."
-George W. Bush

*****
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
-Herman Wouk

*****
"Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about."
-Sam Ewing

*****
"It's easy to get lost in thought if it's not familiar territory to you."
-???



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*****
"Sometimes it pays to stay in bed in Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debuging Monday's code."
-Dan Salomon

*****
"Windows: Just another pane in the glass."
-???

*****
"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
-???

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"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."
-???

*****
"For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord."
-???

*****
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
-???

*****
"Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice."
-???

*****
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
-???

*****
"Every man should have a hobby - but make sure your wife doesn't know about her."
-???

*****
"A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man."
-???

*****
"How did Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis!"
-???

*****
"People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do."
-???

*****
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"
-???

*****
"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you."
-???

*****
"A good vacuum really sucks."
-???

*****
"C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN"
-???



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*****
"I just hope God grades on a curve."
-???

*****
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
-???

*****
"I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck."
-???

*****
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."
-Woody Allen

*****
"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."
-Fran Lebowitz

*****
"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
-Art Hoppe

*****
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
-Woody Allen

*****
"There is no clearer manifestation of pure evil than teachers giving assignments over holiday breaks."
-James Halloran

*****
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
-Jack Handey

*****
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
-Jack Handey

*****
"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"
-Jack Handey

*****
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."
-Jack Handey

*****
"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."
-Jack Handey

*****
"Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."
-Jack Handey

*****
"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."
-Jack Handey

*****
"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward."
-Jack Handey



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*****
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
-Jack Handey

*****
"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."
-Jack Handey

*****
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
-Jack Handey

*****
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
-Jack Handey

*****
"I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death."
-Jack Handey

*****
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
-Douglas Adams

*****
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle

*****
"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all."
-Ogden Nash

*****
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
-Albert Einstein

*****
"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be."
-Paul Valery

*****
"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."
-Kin Hubbard

*****
"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."
-George Bernard Shaw

*****
"It is my misfortune - and probably my delight - to use things as my passions tell me. What a miserable fate for a painter who adores blondes to have to stop himself putting them into a picture because they don't go with the basket of fruit! ... I put all the things I like into my pictures. The things - so much the worse for them. They just have to put up with it."
-Pablo Picasso

*****
"'Evil men have no songs.' How is it that the Russians have songs?"
-Friedrich Nietzsche

*****
"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated."
-Poul Anderson

*****
"The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter. The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'"
-???



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*****
"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."
-Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan attorney

*****
"Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net."
-???

*****
"I wasn't kidding. I do have a test today. It's on European Socialism. What's the big deal? I'm not European. I don't plan on becoming European. So why should I care if they're socialists? They could be facist, anarchist pigs. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car."
-Ferris Bueller

*****
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
-Hunter S. Thompson

*****
"Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, 'I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.' Disraeli replied, 'That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.'"
-???

*****
"In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did."
-???

*****
"668: The Neighbor of the Beast."
-???

*****
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
-Dave Barry

*****
"The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball."
-Doug Larson

*****
"If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving."
-Victor O'Reilly

*****
"I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it."
-???

*****
"Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead."
-The Warner Brothers (Animaniacs)

*****
"You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
-Frank Zappa

*****
"A friend is someone who will help you move; A good friend is someone who will help you move a body."
-???

*****
"You can observe a lot by watching."
-Yogi Bera

*****
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
-Yogi Bera



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*****
"We have deep depth."
-Yogi Bera

*****
"People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded."
-Yogi Bera

*****
"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
-Yogi Bera

*****
"It's like deja-vu, all over again."
-Yogi Bera

*****
"If your eye falls on a bargain, pick it up."
-???

*****
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
-Yogi Bera

*****
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
-Yogi Berra

*****
"I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary."
-Yogi Berra

*****
"Before I start speaking, I'd like to say something."
-Yogi Bera (?)

*****
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
-Yogi Berra

*****
"I want to die sleeping peacefully, - like my grandma; not screaming with horror, - like those, who were as passangers in her car."
-???

*****
"A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them."
-Henry Louis Mencken

*****
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
-Mark Twain

*****
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
-Mark Twain

*****
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."
-Mark Twain

*****
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-Dan Quayle



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*****
"[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo."
-Dan Quayle during the Bentson debate

*****
"Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a statement in and of itself."
-Dan Quayle

*****
"We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'. "
-Dan Quayle

*****
"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."
-Dan Quayle

*****
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
-Winston Churchill

*****
"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried."
-Mae West

*****
"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy."
-Henry Kissinger

*****
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific."
-Lily Tomlin

*****
"I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
-Groucho Marx

*****
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."
-Jack Handey

*****
"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had many of them."
-Casey Stengel

*****
"Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation."
-???

*****
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
-Redd Foxx

*****
"The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive."
-Robert Heinlein

*****
"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg."
-Samuel Butler

*****
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
-Woody Allen



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*****
"Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be."
-William Hazlitt


161 quotes in this category

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