i can't reason my way outta these feelings.
i can't tell myself it will be alright.
it hurts but at the same time i feel so fuckin empty.
there's nothing coming out right now.
i can barely right these words.
theres a big solid wall in front of me and i'm trapped agaisnt it like a bug on styrofoam. the wall blocking the release...and the blank empty hurt behind it.
i made myself bleed to release the pain.
but the pain didn't come out and the blood kept coming.
i grew past the thoughts of suicide.
i know that life is precious, even tho i feel this pain.
it would be selfish to die cos i had a bad day...there are some people that love me. and i don't want to hurt them. i'll bare this pain in silence. it will pass. it always did before.
my skin is on fire and my lips are cracked and bleeding. i feel only minor discomfort. i feel nothing besides the ache and the emptiness. i feel the residue left behind by the tears i just can't manage to cry. and i sit and i stare and i try to funnel all the bad feelings out but i can't quite do it.
i'm trying to sift down my emotions thru a screen with a razor hole in it.
all of my worries and paranoias are fighting for control and i feel them gnawing on the back of my skull. they don't make their presence known out right...they just wear you down on the inside.
and i'm trying to hold on. hold on to the sunshine and the beach and the love that is felt for me and that i feel for people. i'm trying to hold on...but i'm slipping.
i don't want to talk to anyone. but i'm terrified to be alone. every part of me is being just as strongly contradicted and it leaves me confused and unable to pinpoint any specific emotion.
my throat hurts so bad from repressed sobs and cries. that ache that starts in the back of your throat and travels to your jaw and the base of your skull. the pain of emotion unable to release itself. i can't see thru this. i can't answer anyone's questions.
if i was asked what was wrong i couldn't answer. i can't tell anyone what's behind the wall...what's behind the dam that's waiting to spill over and wipe away everything with it's intensity.
the wall has me...chained bound it's got control.
it drives me to function but at the same time to fall apart. it puts clamps over my mouth and sucks away my tears before they can be cried. it stretches me too tight and when i start to tear it just lets go, leaving me out of shape and unable to pull myself back together. i can't fight the wall becos i helped make it. and now it has come to control me and i am it's slave and it's prisoner.
"there's not much left to love. to tired today to hate. i feel the empty. i feel the minute of decay. i’m on my way down now i’d like to take you with me. i’m on my way down. the minute that it’s born, it begins to die. i’d love to just give in. i’d love to live this lie. i’ve been to black and back. i whited out my name. a lack of pain a lack of hope a lack of anything...to say. i’m on my way down now i’d like to take you with me. i’m on my way down. the minute that it’s born, it begins to die. i’d love to just give in, i’d love to live this lie."
the minute of decay
marilyn manson
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