He wasn't much one to cry.
A simple boy who seemed to often think too much.
He pulled his jacket around his arms.
Looked out to the sea.
Not much there, just water.
Same as always.
He went over a song lyric in his head.
Something about love and harmony.
Something he had written once.
Men were dying somewhere.
He wouldn't be one of them.
He'd grow a beard and sleep with all the women he could find.
He'd smoke until his head hurt, and everything would be okay.
He'd only be killing himself, after all.
He put his foot in the water.
It was so cold...God awfully so.
Cold hearted...was he really trying to forget?
Forget about everything he once fought for?
Sometimes it was just so hard, though...
Fighting for peace...
Such a contradiction in itself, right?
Well, now more.
Only got him deeper in trouble anyhow.
He thought about his mother suddenly.
Her warm, sweet, kind face looking down at him...
"Now, honey, don't you worry.
Everything will be okay."
Very general words.
From a terribly ungeneral woman.
She'd hug him and make him feel safe.
She'd call him her great big teddy bear.
And the screaming started in again...
The terrible shrieks...
Daddy, no, daddy, no...
Oh God, no!!
He put his other foot in the water.
Thought about a knife in his father's throat.
He would do it someday.
He really would...and then the man would feel a bit of remorse.
If not guilt for what he had done to his family.
Perhaps pity...better than nothing.
Seventeen was a rather fruitful year.
School and all that stuff...
But he dropped out, you know.
He was smart enough, suppose...
But he couldn't stand socialism
In such a non social world.
Not anymore.
So he dropped out and played his guitar.
Played until his fingers were nubbs.
And he joined a band.
A good band, wholesome and free.
Fun to the outsiders.
But he never fit in right.
If he was gone, what would they do?
Probably suffer a bit...but then they would just...
Just run right out and replace him.
Most likely anyhow...
He sighed and let the water come to his waist.
It made him shiver momentarily.
Then he regained himself and felt a solitary tear.
It came down his cheek very slowly.
It was a tear.
He burst out in heavy breaths.
She had loved him once.
She had kissed him and told him that he was so special...
And she'd almost married him.
Left him though...
For a "more stable man".
Stable...Hell, right, like that's even possible??
He let the water absorb the length of his arms.
She had left without a word.
His bandmates had stayed up with him.
Long and lonely nights together.
The conversations always turned to bad things.
War, poverty, things that he thought about.
Things that he couldn't fix.
He couldn't fix her either, aparantly.
But he could fix himself.
Oh, God...water was filling his mouth now.
Choking a bit, but not enough to suffer...
He looked above him into the sun.
And then he cried softly enough for God to hear...
"What the Hell do you want from me, huh??
Haven't I had enough!!
You want me so bad, you can have me!!"
He sunk under and dissapeared.
Five days later, a lonely grave.
He watched his body float ashore.
Watched a few tears be shed.
Oh, well.
What did it really matter now?
It wasn't any of his business.
He was gone. |
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