I could have sworn I heard your voice last night as I was laying in bed, my pillow pressed to my chest.
I had been crying for hours and my chest hurt, not only from the strain of sobbing so long, but from my heart. It wasn't breaking, no.
If my heart would just break it would be so much easier.
It could be mended, with a cast perhaps, but this contsant wringing of it, how do you fix that? No kisses seem to make it better, no time, no amounts of inner piece.
Everytime I kiss one of you, another piece falls away.
This time hurts more than ever. You didn't do anything for me to run from you like this, you were everything that I wanted.
I can still hear your laugh, your voice as you teased me about my bed head. The way you would tell me what our lives would be like one day, the perfect house, two cats and three kids. Pierre.. you always wanted a little boy named Pierre. I laughed at you. I hate myself sometimes.
No, you were everything to me. I suppose you still are. But you scare me. No, you don't scare me, you terrify me. I'm terrified because you have everything I want, and that means that it's over. My search at long last is over.
I don't want that.
I want you, but not yet, not now.
I'm going to be 18 in a few weeks. I guess I should be happy, everyone smiles as they realize I'm almost there.
Adulthood.
I don't want to be an adult. I like where I am, I'm comfortable. But there's no running away from this.
So I run from you.
My beautiful blue eyed angel. Your smile that makes everything alright, your hands that can hold anything, and everything.
Yet, I run.
I lift my head off the pillow, was that your voice? I hear it now, deep and soothing, lightly caressing my heart with it's tones, healing everything. Is it?
No. I left the TV on again. |
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