I was fifteen years old. I loved Hanson and the feeling of freedom that early spring brings. The ground was moist with a a light greeze haze sprinkled throughout the grass, the first hints of life. The sky was robin's egg blue with white fluffy clouds scattered throughout.
My best friend Marissa and I swung back and forth on the the swingset looking at the moving van unloading the furniture into a house less that 100 yards away. We lived in a townhouse development and knew everyone, new faces were welcome. There were a boy that was obviously the son of the two people watching the moving men move the furniture into thier new home. His hair was a little longer than most sliding a little past his ears and he dressed in semi-baggy clothes.
"He's really cute." Marissa said for the fifteenth time.
"Yeah he is, too bad he doesn't have an older brother." I lamented. I was 1 1/2 years older than her, at 15 that's a big deal you'll remember.
"Maybe he does." She said to make me feel better.
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(two days later)
Marissa and I had lugged down a CD player and a bag of CD's to the park. Plugging the player into the wall we blasted Hanson. Our first true obsession. We would spend hours staring at the thousands of posters, pictures and CD covers gracing our walls, closet doors and even our ceilings. We had both decided we wanted boyfriends now. Even if they couldnt possibly be the guy of our dreams, which would be difficult since we were both obssesed with Taylor.
"Excuse me?" We looked up and my heart did a back flip. He was tall, and built, he wore a tight white tank top despite the chilly spring air. His eyes were light blue causing an almost chilling effect due to his puerto rican skin.
"Yes?" My voice didn't sound like mine. I glanced behind him and saw the guy Marissa had been checking out. It was the new people that had moved in.
"We just moved in and were wondering if you could show us around the recreational hall here..... would that be a huge pain?"
"Oh no, not at all." I replied knowing Marissa had no voice right now.
"Cool." he paused and grinned, "I'm J, ad this is my brother Eddie."
"I'm Rachel, and this is Marissa." I said standing up and taking the hand he offered me.
"You guys onSpring break?" he asked me.
"Yup... wish it was summer though. You?"
"No.. I'm done with school." he saod. I felt my heart fall, he was older, a lot older.
"How old are you?" I asked.
"I'm 19, and Ediie here is 14. And you guys?"
"I'm almost 16," quite a stretch considerig I had just turned 15 a few months ago, "and Marissa is 13."
"Almost 14." She piped up for the first time.
"Cool." But he said it to me, smiling, showing his perfectly white straight teeth.
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(one week later)
"So is your name Jason or something?" I asked.
"It's just J. Like the letter J. It's really John, but I hate the name so I changed it." He laughed.
"Oh Okay.." I grinned. We had been hanging out every day for the past week and I couldn't believe he would want to hang out with me. Still in the awkward stage I had long staght brown hair and blue eyes that seemed to overtake my entire face. Also, being 5'7" and 95 pounds didn't sit to well with me, or my self esteem. He casually draped his hand around my shoulders and I felt a shudder go through my body, a guy had never touched me like that.
"Listen Rachel, I like you a lot." He said suddenly watching the other guys playing basketball on the court less than 25 feet away. I didn't know what to say.
"Oh.. wow." I said softly, finally.
"I know I am taking a huge chance, but is there any chance that you would let me be yourboyfriend?" My breathe caught in my throat at the the thought of HIM feeling honored going out with ME.
"Yes, definately." I said smiling up at him. He smiled back and the kissed me gently on the lips. It was simple, sweet, and unlike anything I had ever experianced. Amazing. Like a dream.
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(one week later)
His tounge was in my mouth as I sat on the window ledge my legs wrapped around him. His hands brushed my back, my breasts through my shirt. The recreational hall was quiet, all the other kids listened to J, he said he wanted to be alone with me and the place cleared out faster than as if it were invaded by killer bees.
"You are so beautiful." He whispered brushing the hair away from my face gently.
"And you are perfect." I smiled tightening my arms around his neck. No one had ever made me felel special, or loved liek this.
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(2 days later)
"Damn, it is hot out here." he said laying back in the shade on the grass. I nodded my head in agreement. A bee landed on his face and he slapped it away, I flinched as it came towards me and his eye scaught my movement, "Scared of that?" he asked.
"Yeah, I hate bees." I confirmed.
"Can we listen to somethign else?" he asked Marisa who was kissing Eddie as we sat under the trees. She turned to him,
"No, I like Hanson." She turned to me, "Rachels likes it too."
"Yup." I stuck my tounge out at him playfully. he looked at me for a minute,
"Can I talk to you privatley?" I looked at him with confusion, I had never seen him so serious.
"Yeah sure." We went into the recreational hall and went inside the cool air hitting me with a rush, "What wrong?" I asked.
"Why the hell did you turn on me like that?" He asked loudly, too loudly. I backed up slightly,
"I--" he grabbed my arms roughly and pulle dme closer to him,
"Don't you ever walk away from me like that." My eyes filled with tears and his hands squeezed my upper arms soi hard I thought they would break.
"Ok.. ok." I said terrified of the look in his eyes. Then his whole demeanor changed, he dropped his hands and pulled me close,
"Oh my God, i am so sorry. I'm so sorry." He started to cry, "Please, don't be mad at me, i didn't mean it, I swear." And stupidly I kissed him a few minutes later, believeing that he loved me. But when we went outside he put DMX into the CD player without an argument.
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His hands slid up my shirt, past the bra and squessing me painfully tight, his mouth pulled on mine roughly, his teeth biting my lip causing me to wince in pain. i didnt know when his kisses turned from sweet and gentle to torture but they had. I just firgured this was how it was with everyone.
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"I wanna touch you." he whispered in my ear one night as the sun sank below the horizon.
"So touch me." i laughed grabbing his hand. he led me into the wiehgt room and lay me down on the floor. He slid my pants down and I froze, "No J, i don't wanna do this." I said struggling to get up. But he held one hand on my belly tightly. I started to cry and he pulled my underwear down and started touching me with his free hand. He went down on me and I closed my eyes the tears sliping out from under my lids and pretending I was sitting in my living room with my mom.
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I sat at home in my room crying. I felt so dirty. i went into the bathroom and turned the water all the way on hot and stood under the boiling water, shivering.
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The next day my doorbell rang and Marissa stood there, "Where have you been?" She asked her forehead creased with worry.
"Oh, i think I'm getting sick." I lied.
"No.. i thinkits just because J went away.." She winked knowingly.
"He left?" i asked relief flodding my body.
"Yeah, to the city, Eddies heres tho, we are bored. Come one outside."
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Marissa had gone inside and Ediie and I lay staring at the stars. I didn't wanna go home, then i would have to think.
"You can see the big dipper." he pointed out.
"Where?" i asked. he slid closer picking up my hand and pointing to it.
"See?" But he wasn't looking up, he was looking at me. My breathe caught in my throat, his lips moved closer and he kissed me softly.
"Oh no." I pulled back, "Please, don't." I stood up, "I have to go home."
"Rachel, please, don't tell J. Please, you don't understand, please don't." I sae the utter terror on his face,
"No. I promise you i won't."
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I woke up in the middle of the night and gaspe din horor. Someone was sitting on the end of my bed.
"Hey." It was J.
"How di dyou get in here?" I asked, happy it was not a mass murderer.
"Your window is not 10 storied up." He laughed, "Listen sweetie. I am so sorry. I am really, really sorry. I have to tell you something, Eddie is really my cousin." I had figured something like that, Eddies skin was a slight as mine. "I am living with his parents because my mom left my dad and I and my dad was put in prison. I found out he died yesterday. I'm sorry I did that to you. I feel so awful, I know there is no way you can ever forgive but please, please say you don't hate me." I tear slid down his cheek in the moonlight and I nodded,
"It's ok. I understand." But I shouldn't have.
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"Oh stop being a baby." he said sliding a bullet into the chamber and spinning it. He pointed it to my head, "It's called Russian Roulette. If you had good luck then you'll be fine, if not... ByeBye Babygirl."
"No, I don't wanna." I protested trying to get out of his arm holding me tightly.
"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...*click*" My heart was pounding, I was sure I had died. But nothing happened, "see, you're fine." He kissed the top of my head, "I wouldnt ever let anyting hurt you."
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We were alone in the wieght room and he was kisiing me, I leaned up aginst the wall as his hands travelled over my body.I could feel his hardness on me and I felt sick. I wanted to go outside, listen to my music. I could see my hanson CD's stackied livingly on the window sill. Having a boyfriend was not like it said it was in those songs. He caught my gaxe and stiffened. Following my eyes he saw I was tsraing at the CD cover. He moved and snapped open the CD case, taking the CD out he shattered it. And the next one.
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(next day)
"No, I don't want too." i said as his hands went down my pants. tars filled my eyes, this was a nightmare. ::Wake up:: I begged myself.
"You're right, it's your turn anyway." And then he just pulled it out. I had never seen one, "Touch it." he commanded.
"I-- can't" I gasped terror gripping me.
"Now!" he yelled. "Or else it's gonne be inside of you." My hands shaking I touched it gingerly. He places his hands over me, showing me what he wanted done. When a tear hit his hand he flipped out.Shoving me against the wall, my head hitting it painfully he started screaming at me, "Who the fick do you think you are? Princess Diana? You're such a fucking bitch you should fell LUCKY I'm with you, i could have anyone. You hear me? ANYONE." He wretched my pants down quickly and I started to scream, "Oh shut up, no one can hear you, i told all the littler kids to stay outside, and no, dont say you are a little kid. I'm gonna make you a woman." he threw me down onto the ground and pressed himself on top of me.
I couldnt stop crying, my screams were miffled by my sobs. he ripped my underwear off me and I strugged to get away, i got halfway up before he grabbed my shirt pulling me back down, splitting the seam down the side. I stupidly was upsetat him fr ruining my favourite shirt. He hit me across the face his hand painfully striking me in the eye.
I begged him not to go this, fighting back, scratching him, pressing on his chest to get him away from me. I bit his hand i did everything I could to slow him down. As i gasped for air we heard the front door to the recreational hall being shaken. In the moment that he glanced toward the closed door I kneed him in the groin with all the strengh i could muster.
"FUCK!" he screamed. his hold on mr loosened in his pain and I scarmbled up pulling poen the door. Once outside the main door I realized I was half dressed. Pulling my black pants tighter around me I ran, I ran as fast as I could. |
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