| A dream… a tormenting dark dream. I have dreamt of my own death a thousand times but this was different. I hung motionless on a black cross my skin was pale white and icy to the touch I looked upon my dead self as I witnessed my own death again. Emotions flooded my mind pain tore at my soul, yet no tears did I weep except in my dead eyes. From one a black tear fell as dark as blood and no celestial penance was seen in it, from the other a golden tear feel one of light pure and noble. A bitter display of my struggle that I wage inside myself I fight to escape the blight that I once called my refuge these dark emotions still rest inside me, but now I look to God instead of my darkness. Plagued… Confused… Betrayed… Hurt… Dead… was I as my naked torn body rest barren on the black cross but in my dead eyes two truths were told. One is good the other is dark… both I have felt calling and both if run from. What I have face… is dark what I shall face is even darker. I have let evil flow through my veins and now I seek redemption… yet I can not even face my past. Now I sit here and contemplate my choice and here I shall sit contemplating my choice… Since my birth I have struggled in my own soul to establish my identity. I have lost my soul and regained it now I can not find it, yet I am purer then I have ever been. I still have a burning inside me what it is I do not know. Its haunts me, it hurts me, it confuses me, it guides me, it protects me, it has lost me. They say a dream is a gateway to your true thoughts and to your soul… but I say a dream is you looking at your own reality the one we hide from our own troubles are here… but lost to conciseness. I trust God but my life grows worse and shorter with ever passing day… I look upon my dead self and it spoke with no words… "A destiny is like a dream masked in confusion but plan and seen." I understand some of this but not all… I could have passed away in my sleep I know this I felt myself slipping I was embodying my dead self but my quest is still not finished… I must have my redemption. I must love. I must die. I must live. I must be alive. I must finish… I have never been more troubled by a dream but I have had this one several times over and more is finished every time, and less is remembered with time. I seemingly awoke with a… she seemed like an angle, her eyes were pure and endless, her body was uncanny it beauty unsurpassed by all that I have seen. Tears were in her eyes as blood was upon my hands. I remember my dream and I remembered my past… the tears were for me. I have had to face my past and I regret it. But the past has passed and I have learned from my mistakes and I have learned… what love is. Most of what was said I shall keep… but upon the last you shall know. More then my past loosing my love hurt the most but I have regained that; I gave to my first love… and lost it, that is what haunts me and hurts me the most… the angle offered no advise just questions… questions that have helped me find my answer but arose more questions. She asked why I did not die… I told her the same I am telling you it was not my time God had not chosen that time. She returned a smile that warmed my heart I felt a joy after looking upon this that I had not felt since I was with my first love and held her in my arms. She asked me if I was still hurting over my first love and I replied in a riddle: When the body takes a certain pain for a time it forgets what it is to hurt but the memory of the pain sometimes hurts worse. Then she gave me a kiss and told me to see… To see? To see. To see! I awoke with tears and remembered all of the angle… it was a dream, but a lesson too. A lesson of faith and trust. God is here and God loves me and you. Trust and have faith in him. Find you destiny and find happiness. And learn to see. To see the truth. The rage I once had is still here but buried, replaced with love. If a blind man can see without eyes, why can’t we see with our eyes? We look to hard for an answer and sometimes look for answer without a question. |
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