| And then there was me; never alone but always lonely, and never lonely but always alone, I contradict everything I say with what I do and everything I do with what I say when I tell myself it'll all be ok; I can't believe my own voice for it has a choice to lie to me or be my only truth and this is my vice, along with all my addictions the afflictions are all self-induced, I am an emotional masochist with no will to exist but no will to die, either. Torn apart and ripped in two at any give time for you, I plead with myself to put the past away but it'll always stay anyway, and no matter what I do the cycle keeps repeating from numbness to extreme and back again, in circles and never content always restless and unhappy. Nothing can satisfy me, but small things make me so happy and big things don't affect me cuz I'm numb, and when I do feel I feel dumb cuz there's no reason and if there is, it's always stupid because I'm a stupid girl. Infatuation junkie, I try to live on hope but it will always beat me down with the same crown I wear when I'm in it. Krama's a bitch isn't it? Usually I'm the one that says don't call me, I'll call you and please don't get attached because I don't like you that much, I'm just using you for sex. So then when I do like someone, it turns around on me and they say those things to me (except the sex part; they never outright say that sort of thing), and I am left numb again, empty and confused because all I wanted was someone to be close to. Hold me while I sleep and treat me like I matter, maybe give me a massage every now and then and I can be at your beckon call; maybe I just jump in way too fast and freak people out because when I like someone I know right away, it doesn't just build up it has to be there. I love the butterflies in my stomach when I see the one I like, but sooner or later, depending on how long they lead me on, I have to forget and I go back to being numb because I hardly ever really like anyone, and it's just easier that way for me to cope. It's not about the sex; people can get that anywhere, and I have a B.O.B. But there are hardly any people I seem to feel connected to because I'm so fucking different, and many say they understand but they don't really and that pisses me off. I don't share a lot unless I'm comfortable with someone, in which case I share a little at a time, but I'm more comfortable with strangers than with people I know because there's a good chance I'll never see them again. So tell me why I'm such a fucking whore and so starved for affection when all the people I don't want want me even more, and all I can say is, "It was just sex. Get the fuck away from me." You're not special, neither am I, so why the hell do you like me? I'm so fucking mean to you, anyway, and you're too dumb for me. But then as soon as one comes along that I actually really like who knows what I'm talking about without a three hour explanation, he says to me, "You're really cool, but I don't want to be with you and please don't get attached. I wouldn't be any good for you." And I think to myself, bullshit. You just want some stupid skinny stripper with a perfect body. |
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