Mollusk had her ninth birthday party yesterday. We had purple balloons, those silly ponies from the petting zoo, and an ice-cream cake. We also had a clown. I know you hate clowns. I guess that was part of the reason I hired him. Hiring something you hated would only make you stay away. Or would it? Knowing you, you’d just hang around and smote me later. Because that is exactly how our marriage worked. All seven years of it. I’d slip up and you’d exact your revenge. It wasn’t until two years into the mess that I did things deliberately. Did you notice them? Chances are you did. You had the woman’s intuition and all of that. That was probably why things grew increasingly worse. But I’m supposed to be past all this now. Or that is what the therapist says. I’ll humor her and let it drop because today isn’t about you. It never was. It is all about Molly. I invited Jack and Elaine to the party. Remember them? Elaine was the slim redhead whom you had a personal vendetta against? She’s still as spry and attractive as ever. Jack too. Fit and all. Mollusk loves them. Calls them Uncle J and Aunt El. Funny how things change without you around to control us all. Samantha came too and brought Jacob. Remember little Jacob? The kid who broke your china cat and threw up in the pool? Yep. That one. He’s a regular at the house now. Maybe Mol will end up marrying him. Have a couple of grandkids for me. Stranger things have happened. Anyway, the party was nice really. Everything went smoothly and without a hitch. I have a knack for holding things together now. I can learn. I told you that I could learn. It just took some time. I thought that Molly had forgotten about you yesterday. That for one day in her life, she could be happy and not have a single care about you and your stupid whereabouts. But I was wrong. Go ahead. Take a few to laugh while I get my nicotine fix. Composed now? You’ve had time. I’m just going to have to realize that not a damn day will go by when the kid doesn’t mention you. Hell, she asks at least twice a day if I’ve heard from you. My lies are getting thin and Molly grows smarter by the day. I can’t play the part of bastard forever. Anyway, back to her asking about you. You want to know what part of it gets me the worst? It comes along with the bedtime routine. Mollusk brushes her teeth and climbs into bed…I pull the purple comforter up to her arms and kiss her forehead. I kiss Clyde’s fuzzy forehead too. Clyde is the teddy bear I bought for her the day *after* you ruined our lives. Too bad you never saw him. She ends up reaching over and taking the frame from the beside table into her arms. She stares at it. At us. The last family photo I’d have the misfortune to own. I’m holding a five-year old Mol and you are just standing there. A bit alone and off-centered from us. You aren’t smiling or even attempting to look remotely happy. But that is fine with me really. I had given up all hope of you changing by then. Molly traces the outline of your face and sighs her little sigh. “Mama looks unhappy, doesn’t she?” I smile slightly and nod.
“She does, Mol. She does. But she is sick. Lots of sick people are unhappy.”
“She’s coming home soon, right Daddy? Mama’s coming home and she’ll be happy?”
“Yes, honey. She’ll come home soon when she’s better. And she’ll give you a huge hug and love you.”
Mollusk gives me this huge smile and I can see tiny tears creep into the corners of her hazel eyes. “I want to hug her too.”
At that point…I want to strangle you and your fucking fit of selfishness. I kiss Mol’s forehead again and tuck the blankets under her chin. I tell her to say her prayers and have sweet dreams. I kiss Clyde once more and tell him the same. I smile at the two of them…turn off the light and retire to the living room. It is then…that I throw myself on the couch and cry. I curse you and everything that comes along with knowing you, with the exception of Molly. How in the hell do I explain to the kid that you are never coming home? That she’s the reason you killed yourself. That you hated her from the first day of the pregnancy and never bothered to care? I can’t do that. And I won’t. Mollusk should never have to pay for your irrationality and illness. Just me. Because I should have been able to stop this. Surely there was a way to save both you and my dear Molly… |
|
