| Your eyes were tinted crimson that day. That day… I could see it, feel it, breathe it. I knew as your hand touched my face, that it would never be the same. The conclusions were racing through my mind. Things that I couldn’t explain. Things that I didn’t want to explain, to define, to realize. I knew that horrific day that something was not right in your smile. Something was not right in your laugh… I ignored it. You talked about how much your mother was being a bitch to you… that she didn’t understand you; that no one did. I thought nothing of it – you’ve talked this way every single day I’ve known you. Today seemed to push it. Today was different, disgusting. I could feel it, rushing through my veins. Your hurt and your pain pushed into my soul. I wish I had enough willpower to keep going, to keep moving, to keep succeeding like you did. You never gave up until this day, you know that? I know it was hard, and I’m not trying to say what you did to yourself was right, but what your peers and kin did to you was not right either. I remember you pulled your shirt up to wipe the sweat off your brow as we were playing soccer. The bruises and red flesh defied me. It looked like someone had whipped you with a belt – but I say nothing. I said nothing. Nothing. I will never forget that day, that tragedy. The blood stains… the death. I wish you wouldn’t have ended it. You were my best friend, and still are, and always will be. Keep that in your heart, as I will keep it in mine. Maybe it was my fault, maybe it was yours for being seduced. Maybe it was the people that pushed you so far… so far that you just didn’t want to take it anymore. Maybe it was your dad that left you when you young, and doesn’t keep in touch now, nor pays child support. Maybe it was your mom whom had the drinking problem. Maybe we will never know exactly what went on in your head that day. I will always keep you close; a whisper away. When I can barely breathe, when I don’t think I’m going to make it, you will be inside of me. So deeply inside of me; pushing me, pushing me far. Pushing me hard, telling me to keep going. I love you, and I always will. You were always there for me, and I was always there for you. I just wish you could have opened up to me more. I just wish I could have been there to hug you when you cried. I’m sorry I wasn’t there, when you lay in bed on those cold December nights thinking about how shitty your life is, with salty tears left on your rosy cheeks. I wish I could have made all your pain go away. I wish I could have taken all your pain and ended my life instead. No matter how much you want to argue with me, you will always and forever be the one whom I adore and look up to the most. I lay in the hospital – crying. Do you remember when I held your hand… whispering, “Stay with me” in your ear? Were you there, when I laid my head on your chest and begged you not to go? I remember the morning after they told me you passed. I lay in bed, cold. My cheeks were still red from crying the night before. I sat up, and brushed the hair from my face. I look up at the ceiling… “Stay with me,” I whispered. I felt your hot breath on my neck. I could feel your cold fingertips running across my chapped lips. I took a deep breath. I smelt your musky old cologne. It was a familiar smell, one that I enjoyed and you knew it. A tear rolled down my cheek as you wiped it away. I could feel your cheek against mine, your lips brushing against my ear. “I will always stay,” you whispered back. |
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