YO MOMMA...

YO MOMMA SO FAT…

…that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
…her belly button's got an echo
…she cant wear an X jacket cause choppers keep landing on her back
…she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide
…when she goes to the movie theatre she sits next to everybody
…when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly
they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway
…a picture of her would fall off the wall!
…and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told
her to move her fat butt out of the way
…at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
…every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil
…her blood type is Ragu
…if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word
for it!
…if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 pound
test!
…if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group
insurance!
…and black she jumped in the ocean and they thought she was
an oil spill
…she broke her leg and gravy dripped out
…she bungee jumped and went straight to hell
…she can't even tie her own shoes
…she can't reach her back pocket
…she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs
…she dries her pants in the driveway
…she eats biscuits like tic tacs
…she fell in love and broke it
…she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and
Oh-my-god-it’s-coming-towards-us!
…she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
…she got to iron her pants on the driveway
…she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
…she has more nooks and crannies than Thomas' English
Muffin
…she has to buy two airline tickets
…she jumped up in the air and got stuck
…she measures 36 by 24 by 36, and the other arm is just as big
…she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Chicago, NY..
…she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
…she sat on a quarter and squished a booger out of George
Washington's nose
…she sat on the corner and the police came & said "break
it up!"
…she shows up on radar
…she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said
H D
…she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out
…she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks
…she uses a mattress for a tampon
…she uses a pillow case as a sock
…she was baptized at Marine World
…she wears a VCR for a beeper
…she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. of
gravy
…she's on both sides of the family
…that she cant tie her own shoes
…that when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
…the animals at the zoo feed her
…the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
…they had to baptize her at Sea World
…they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
…uses blanket as a washcloth
…when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing
up
…when she backs up she beeps
…when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
…when she dances at a concert the whole band skips
…when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to
get up again
…when she gets on the scale it says to be continued
…when she sits around the house she REALLY sits AROUND the
house
…when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo
…when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time,
please"
…when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool Aid .."
…when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
…when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her
ass back in the water
…when the bitch goes to an all You can eat buffet, they
have to install speed bumps
…when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping,
they hit the ground
…you smell like bacon at 90 degrees
…when she travels, she's gotta make two trips
…that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch
marks
…when she gets on a scale it says "to be continued"
…she influences the tides
…her nickname's "DAMN!"
…she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller
…when god said let there be light he made her move
…her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud
…she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in
…she stands in two time zones
…she got baptized at Seaworld
…it takes her two trips to haul ass
…her senior picture was an aerial
…she sat on a rainbow and Skittles popped out
…she has more chins than a Chinese phone book
…she eats Wheat Thicks
…you have to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot to have sex with her
…she got her own area code
…she irons her pants in the driveway
…the highway patrol makes her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
…when she stands in a left-hand lane it gives her the green arrow
…she's on both sides of the family
…even her clothes have stretch marks

YO MOMMA SO NASTY…

…when I called her for phone sex, she gave me an ear infection
…when she tried to take a bath the water jumped out
…she used Sure and it got confused
…she sweats Black Flag
…she brings crabs to the beach
…she made Right Guard turn left
…skunks run from her
…Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
…she has to creep up on bath water
…she made Speed Stick slow down
…her sh*t is glad to escape
…lice consider her a great vacation place
…she makes a pig look clean
…she pours saltwater down her pants to keep the crabs fresh
…the fishery pays her to leave
…she went swimming and turned it into the Dead Sea

YO MOMMA SO UGLY…

…when she goes to a strip joint people pay her to put her clothes on
…people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen
…when she joined an ugly contest, they said “sorry, no professionals”
…she makes blind children cry
…she had to get her baby drunk just so she could breastfeed it
…when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks
…she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork
…her shadow quit
…when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for
curtains
…even Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her
…Rice Krispies won't talk to her
…her pillow cries at night
…her face is closed on weekends
…bitch looks like she was hit by the whole damn ugly tree
…I can fuck her in any position and its still doggy style
…it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym
…she had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her
…her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel
…when she takes her bra off she looks like she has four big toes
…I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application
…I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said “thanks for bringing her
back”
…instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her
neck
…just after she was born, her mama said “what a treasure” and her father
said “yes, let’s go bury it”
…people go as her for Halloween
…she can look up a camel’s butt and scare the hump off of it
…she could be the poster child for abortion/birth
…she could scare the chrome off a bumper
…she could scare the moss off a rock
…she has to trick or treat over the phone
…she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning
…she made an onion cry
…she scares the roaches away
…she threw a boomerang and it wouldn’t even come back
…that Yo father takes her to work just so he doesn’t have to kiss her
goodbye
…the doctor is still smacking her ass
…the government moved Halloween to her birthday
…the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train
…the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown
…they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars
…they filmed “Gorillas in the Mist” in her shower
…they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock
…they put her face on a box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty
…when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes
…she sits in the sand the cat tries to bury her
…when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start
screaming
…when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras
…when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows
…when she was born the doctor smacked everyone
…when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said “twins”
…when she was born, the doctor slapped HER mama
…Yo dad first met her at the pound
…you could stick her face in dough and make monster cookies
…when she was a baby, her parents had to feed her with slingshots
…when Yo mama was born they had to take her out of the trash can cause
the doctor said “throw this shit away”
…when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it

YO MOMMA SO STUPID…

…I put a Scratch-N’-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned
…she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
…she got locked in a Safeway and starved to death
…she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
…she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your
house
…she sat on TV & watched the couch
…she thought St Ides was a Catholic church
…she took a spoon to the Super Bowl
…she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif
…that under "Education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked on Phonics."
…she cooked her own complimentary breakfast
…she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got
mugged
…she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet
…she thinks socialism means partying
…she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
…when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F
and sometimes Wednesday too."
…when she read on her job application to not write below
the dotted line she put "O.K."
…at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she
put Sagittarius
…she got a part time job painting skittles
…instead of taking 4 bus she took the 2 bus twice
…it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes
…on her job application where it says emergency contact
she put 911
…she asked for a price check at the 99 cent store
…she asked me what kind of jeans I wore, I said Guess and
she said "Ah Levis?"
…she jumped out the window and went up
…she said "what's that letter after x" and i said Y she
said "cause I wanna know"
…she stands up on an empty bus
…she studied for blood test & failed
…she thought BOYZ2MEN was a daycare center
…she thought hamburger helper came with another person
…she thought meow mix was a record for cats
…she thought she needed a token to get on soul train
…she thought the board of education was a piece of
wood
…she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because
she couldn't read
…stupid that she go hit by a parked car
…that she sold the car for gas money
…that she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut
…that she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu
…when she saw "under 17 not admitted" sign, she went
home and got 16 friends
…when Yo dad said it was chilly outside, she ran
outside with a spoon
…I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing
rod
…I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't
seen her since
…she asked You "What is the number for 911"
…she bought a videocamera to record cable TV shows at
home
…she thinks Taco Bell is where You pay Yo telephone
bill
…that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing
away all the W's
…when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22
twice instead
…I asked her to do tricks for me and she wagged her tail
…she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind
…she asked me what yield meant, I said “Slow down” and she said “what…
does… yield… mean?”
…she broke her neck at a flashing red light
…she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call
…she put on her glasses to watch 20/20
…she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behind it
…she thought Grape Nuts was an STD
…she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on the other side
…she got stabbed in a shoot-out
…she took a knife to a drive-by shooting
…she failed a survey
…she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go
…I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she asked if I had anything
written by Bart
…she gave birth to you
…she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building, but she got lost on
the way down
…she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window
…she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit
…she told me to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”
…she thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale
…when the computer said “Press any key to continue”, she couldn’t find the
‘Any’ key
…she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
…when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said “cherry or
grape?”
…she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be a branch manager
…when I told her to squeal like a pig, she said “Moo”
…I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she was doing, and she said
she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it
…her latest invention was a glass hammer
…she saw a billboard that said “Dodge Trucks” and she started ducking
through traffic
…she died from boiling water in the toaster
…when she locked her keys in the car, it took her all day to get Yo family
out
…she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down
…when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin and threw it back
…she took you to the drive-in to see “closed for the season”
…when she pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald’s, she drove through the
window
…she was on the corner with a sign that said “Will eat for food”
…she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home
…she got locked in furniture World and slept on the floor
…she got shoved in an oven and froze to death
…she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer
…she brought a cup to the movie "Juice."
…she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death
…when your dad fucked her she said "Doesn't it go in my mouth?"
…she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network
…she tried to put M&M's in order
…she peals M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies
…she uses Old Spice for cooking
…she threw a rock at the ground and missed
…her breasts are square because she forgot to take the Kleenex out of the
box
…she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had
…she thought St. Ides was a Catholic church
…she thought St. Ides was an island in the Caribbean
…she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo
…the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth
…she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed
…she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
…I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what
she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail
…she was on the corner giving out potato chips yelling "Free Lays!"
…she tried to throw a bird off a cliff
…she tried to drown a fish
…she thought menopause was a button on the VCR
…when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries, she
said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone.
…her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first
…her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front
…if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose
…if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power a flea-mobile
around the inside of a Froot Loop
…when they said they were playing craps she went and got toilet paper
…when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, she said "Ok, but
what's the teams?"
…she tried to melt squeeze Parkay
…when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned
around and went home
…she thought a quarterback was a refund
…I said give me a quarterback and she gave me Dan Marino
…she was locked in a grocery store and starved to death
…if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd get change
…she ran outside with a purse because she heard there was change in the
weather
…they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade
…she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two
guesses
…she wouldn't know up from down if she had three guesses
…when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones
…she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest
…she thought the internet was something you catch fish with
…she tried to mail a letter with food stamps
…she thought she could get food stamps at the post office
…she tried to drown herself in a carpool
…she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court
…when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger
and a Coke."
…she went to Burger King and thought she was a queen
…she cooked her own complimentary breakfast
…she had Dan Quayle check her spelling
…when asked what a pronoun was, she said a noun that gets paid
…she tripped over a cordless phone
…she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone
…she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people
…you can tell when she's used the computer because there's White Out all
over the screen
…she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio
…you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears
…when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey, they spelled MACY's
wrong."
…when she pulls up to a flashing red light it sounds like this... Vroom,
Screech, Vroom, Screech
…it takes her an hour to cook minute rice
…if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
…she took lessons for a player piano
…the bitch snuck on the bus and paid to get off
…she studied for a blood test and failed
…she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the "11"
button in "9-1-1"
…she thought hamburger helper came with another person
…she tried to insult you and started with "Yo mama's..."
…she thought meow mix was a record for cats
…she invented a solar powered flashlight
…when I asked her about X-Men she said "Sure, there's Harry my first baby
daddy, Willy the guy I see on Thursdays..."
…she thought the board of education was a piece of wood
…she got hit by a parked car
…she thinks Wu-Tang is an orange flavored drink
…she sold the car for gas money
…she ran out of gas leaving Texaco
…her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors
…her idea of safe sex is double checking the parking brake
…she sold the house to pay the mortgage
…she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project
…she thought asphalt was a skin disease
…she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority
…she married Yo daddy
…she called the 7-11 to see when they closed
…she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd help his unemployment
…when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
…she got fired from a blow-job
…she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of a clean glass
…she put a peephole in a glass door
…when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved
…she used a vibrator for an egg beater
…she wiped her ass before she took a shit
…she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor
…she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear
…she tried to steal a free sample
…I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for
it
…she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album
…she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot
…she got shot running the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial
…she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company
…she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."
…she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out
…she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum
…she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink
…she thought Thiland was a men's clothing store
…she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble
…she ordered her sushi well done
…she tried to wake up a sleeping bag
…she fell up the stairs
…she went on Double Dare and when they asked her name she said "I think
I'll take the physical challenge."

YO MOMMA SO SHORT…

…You could see her feet on her driver's license
…she has to cuff her underwear
…she can play handball on the curb
…she poses for trophies

YO MOMA SO SKINNY…

…her nipples touch
…I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma
…if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use
her to mop the floor
…she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant
…she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad
…the side of the Greyhound bus has a puppy

YO MOMMA SO TALL…

…if she did a back-flip she'd kick Jesus in the mouth
…she did a push-up and burned her back on the sun
…when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
…she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth

YO MOMMA SO HAIRY…

…Bigfoot took a picture of her
…if she could fly she'd look like a magic carpet.
…she looks like Bigfoot in a tank top
…when she goes to the circus the bearded lady protests against non-union
workers
…when she went to Remington and said "Shave this!" the salesman died
laughing
…her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock
…Jane Goodall follows her around
…she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on
…when I took her to a pet store they locked her in a cage
…she has afros on her nipples
…you almost died of rug burn at birth
…people run up to her and say "Chewie, can I get your autograph?"
…she's a stunt double for Chewbacca in Star Wars
…her breasts look like coconuts
…she shaves with a weedwacker
…she has dreadlocks on her back
…she got a trim and lost 10 pounds
…if I shaved her legs, I could supply wigs for the entire Hair Club for Men
…she spread her legs and said, "We're going to Bush Gardens."
…her chest hair is so long, its growing all the way down to her dick
…she shaved her ass and she disappeared

YO MOMMA SO BLACK…

…when she eats a tootsie roll, she's gotta wear white gloves to keep from
chewing her fingers off
…when the police shot at her the bullets came back for flashlights
…when she goes swimming it looks like an oil spill
…if she had a red light she'd be a beeper
…she was riding a motorcycle and got a ticket for tinted windows
…when she smiles at night she looks like floating Chiclets
…when she spits, ink comes out her mouth
…if her eye's were red she'd be a beeper
…her nickname is evening
…she makes asphalt look gray
…Yo family's so black, when they hold hands, it looks like a stretch limo
…every time she gets in a car the oil light comes on
…if she sat in a Jacuzzi the water would turn into coffee
…she bleeds smoke
…she could show up naked to a funeral
…when she puts on yellow lipstick, she looks like a cheese burger
…she drinks water and pees coffee
…her ass looks like two tires
…she can leave fingerprints on charcoal
…she went to night school and was marked absent
…she makes night look like day
…she looks like a picture of outer-space with no stars
…when she goes outside street lights turn on
…she got her tattoo done in chalk
…that lightening bugs follow her in the daytime
…when she puts lotion on her legs it looks like she has on patent leather
pants