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zavorga
Joined: Oct 25, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-25 14:41:30 |
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I am writing here because I'm looking for people who I can relate to me, and maybe can help me I don't know. I haven't been to a doctor or spoken to anyone about things that have been going on with me for years and years now... it's just getting to a point where I sometimes disturb myself, or am feeling so distressed with reality that I don't think I can deal with it anymore. I know I should go to a doctor, but I have such a hard time speaking to other anyway, especially about things so personal that the thought just freaks me out.. but I know I need help because suicide has been a reoccuring thought of mine... I can't stop making up storylines in my head of me being hurt.. walking down the street fantasising being abducted by a serial killer or an evil person/non-human creature so that I can make friends with them and find their soft side, and they will not want to hurt me but fall in love with me and protect me. I'm sorry if this is going to turn out long... I want others to share worlds, dimensions, and perspectives with. but I just totally fail socially and am unable to speak properly to strangers in person. Online is so much better. I don't know what I would be diagnosed as if I do pluck up some courage to seek help, but after speaking with people online with different illnesses, I seem to most relate to those who are Avoidant or Schizotypal. I have always had beliefs that others have found strange, and have lived in 'fantasy' worlds since I was a child, but they never went away as I grew older.. I indulged in them more and more and I have begun to hate reality, I don't like to get up in the morning because I want to keep dreaming, I yearn for another reality which I believe is hidden and coincides with the waking eye reality that the majority of us are plugged into.. I hope that one day it will reveal itself to me.. I'm pushed towards the knowledge that it might not be true as others say it's not, but how do they know I'm not right? I still hope, and always will, I just hope that I am right and I can't keep my thoughts away. I have lost the ability to interact with humans and I no longer feel like I am one, I feel like I am constantly evolving. I yearn to have relationships with people where we don't have to speak, where we can go and lie under the stars, who I can completely connect with and share the same worlds and dimensions with.. I just can't speak to people properly, nothing comes out right, I always feel so awkward and I am constantly analysing what other people are doing, their reactions to me, and then at the same time I am analysing myself... do I look interested? Does this person care what I am saying? I get all these things right but because I am so focused on these things I lose any ability to say anything... I'm often refered to by people as 'shy and ditzy'.. which I don't mean to be... and if I know the person well I end up babbling and they have no idea what I'm talking about most of the time and it just makes me feel even worse about myself.. I just try to stay away from other people's static interference now but it makes me sad... I am constantly searching for hours and hours everyday online for people like me who live in 'that other dimension' on top of this one.... I watched the film Heavenly Creatures and I cried so much because I want a friendship like that so bad.. it's such a beautiful film. Since my dad died, I've always held the belief that I was never old enough for him to tell me that he knew of another world... it sounds absolutely ridiculous but I've always felt that I had some connection with the sea once his ashes were scattered there, that I may one day learn to control the tides and the waves... I love nothing more than being in the sea and have feel that if I am a descendant of elemental spirits then I would be water. I have never been in love but I find the idea of love so beautiful... I have had relationships but they just aren't what I want them to be.. my ex's always turn round and say I want something perfect and perfect does exist... but if there is such a thing as infinity then surely anything and everything is possible? What I want isn't 'perfect'... I am attracted to people with flaws, unfortunately a lot of the people I am attracted to, good and bad, are all fictional... but they all have flaws... I don't know why I am even going on about all this crap... I'm just trying to give you some information, albeit a mere scratch on the surface of me. Real life is just become so distressing to me... I have lost all my friends, I am going more and more into my other worlds, and am becoming unable to function in this one. I'm just so scared and just wish if there are other worlds and dimensions that they would just reveal themself and the magical creatures to me now because I need something to keep me here other than hope. How on earth could I ever just book an appointment with my GP and just come out with all that? |
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Unanswered Thread: What to do?! posted by Jeanine 4 hours ago |
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Synapse
Joined: Oct 24, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-25 17:23:12 |
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I'll talk to you synapsethereturn at hotmail dot co dot uk |
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GOIU
Joined: Nov 4, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-04 02:30:09 |
| Will you talk to me also..my email is parsons 52 @ live. com | |
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Delirius
Joined: Nov 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-04 06:31:37 |
| Sounds a lot like me, I'm having a lot of trouble right nw telling my parents | |
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suzie
Joined: Nov 10, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-10 07:16:19 |
| life is pointless but we have to live it.it is like chasing the wind.We spend all our lives working with little or no time for pleasure, then we die and leave it all to someone else.you spend your life being honest with a good reputation,yet the same fate awaits us all, good or bad -DEATH.life is so unfair.the day you die is better than the day you were born, just as the end of anything is always better than its beginning.animals and humans came from dust and both will go back to it. | |
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Delirius
Joined: Nov 3, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-11-10 09:15:49 |
| We dont have to live suicide is always an option, at least its always forefront in my mind | |
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erinro
Joined: Nov 13, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-13 21:44:14 |
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This is a really beautiful post... I find it hard to believe that people see you as "ditzy", you seem really imaginative and creative and smart. I am also going through some similar troubles - just scored high or very high on three of the personality disorder scales (s---!) - but anyway.. It sounds like you are struggling with social anxiety. I am too and it sucks big time. And I totally think you are right to be on your guard when it comes to doctors. But they can also help. One of the big treatments for social anxiety is group therapy, which has a long waiting list but I have been through it and it was so helpful to be able to meet with other people in person who were going through the same thing - to know that you aren't alone and all that. There were two shrinks doing the group but it wasn't weird or intimidating. The other thing that helps me is meditating. Mindfulness tapes especially by Jon Kabat-Zinn! Anyway - a long post. I wish you the best of luck.. You can get over this. If you want, feel free to email me, [no emails]. |
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erinro
Joined: Nov 13, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-13 21:44:49 |
| email is eryn underscore at hotmail dot com | |
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JohnSmith
Joined: Oct 14, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-14 20:30:08 |
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Suicide is an option, an ESCAPE hatch from life if it sucks. Just make sure you know what you are doing first: !Have I taken care of everything? You may want to make a last contribution to the community. 2:Select a preferred method, so that you succeed. Nothing is worse than trying to kill yourself and waking up in a hospital, especially if you tried to choke yourself. And then you have to deal with the doctors, then the shrinks, and everyone else before you can try again. 3: Don't try a suicide note. You may say something stupid, and it won't help you if you fail. Just kill yourself. 4: When in doubt, C4. |
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Hip
Joined: Aug 10, '09
Status: Senior User |
2009-11-14 20:38:08 |
| lol, this place is starting to sound like totse now. How I miss it you have no idea :/ | |
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erinro
Joined: Nov 13, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-16 15:19:40 |
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She isnt asking for advice about how to commit suicide, JohnSmith. --- If you don't trust your GP is there someone else you can talk to? Or another GP that you can go to? You could always go to your GP and just say yr depressed and get a prescription for antidepressants. Might help... |
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