What do you think I have?

PaulKersey Joined: Oct 26, '10 Status: New User	2010-10-26 21:50:30
	I'm destructive, disturbed, I have no morals, no compassion for other people. I'm cold and hateful, and have no desire to adhere to the concept of respect or ethics or anything. I cannot invest in another person emotionally, on any level, and I have no sex drive in the slightest. I guess I'm moderately attractive, but who am I to say? I'm alienated, distant and detached. I don't care about anything at all: politics, religion, friends, family. I'm quite baffled that I'm quite popular, really, because I enjoy telling people I don't care for them in the slightest, especially if they've in the past told me they care for me, because I know it will hurt them and I know they'll think that on some level they will be able to change me and make me care for them or they think I'm just saying that to put on a 'strong front' and that they can crack it. They're wrong. It won't be cracked because it doesn't exist. It isn't a strong front, it's just me. A defining characteristic of mine is my use of aliases. Even more so, my complete adaption into a different character: film character, celebrity, whatever. I change my physical appearance in order to correspond with theirs, then I change my 'personality' in order to act like them too. People know this about me, because I don't hide it, it's fairly obvious. It's a good way to wear a mask around others and let them know I'm wearing a mask without showing them what's underneath. I'm impulsive, many people say this about me. I just do things on a whim, not really caring. My friends describe me as funny, and quirky, and loud, and talkative and all that. I don't particularly like socializing or anything, but I realize I have the ability to do it fairly well and so I do it.. well... again, for the charade. I lie a lot, but only to certain people. I mean I lie all the time to everyone, the most minor and inaffecting lies that really change nothing, but to others I downright lie to them about absolutely everything, mainly because it entertains me. I don't do anything for anyone else, unless it's for personal gain .That's the only reason I do anything. I don't care about anything: friends, family, religion, politics, my future... unless it directly affects me in the present. I guess I am almost completely nihilistic, I'm just so indifferent. I am baffled by the normalities of life. Everything everyone does seems so boring and dull and stupid to me. I see people smiling and telling jokes, and I see people having conversations (which I see as nothing more than a social structure, a game of verbal tennis that no one notices but me) and doing everything that humans do and it confuses me. Almost as if I am an alien, looking at the culture of all humans and thinking "what the hell?!" but I know I have to participate in it, so I try my best to find things that entertain me. I've found my solace in films, strangely, emotional films, and socializing because socializing amuses me completely. This confusion I get from humans I manage to laugh at, and I always laugh at little things people do, which often confuses people I'm with as they wonder why I'm laughing. I have a problem with authority. Not that I particularly care, but I'm very egocentric and I see myself as better than everyone else and for me to be pushed around is hard to handle, and this uncontrollable anger sweeps through my body and I lose all control of my actions. I've got into some sticky situations with the police due to this. I have no morals whatsoever. Basically, to put it lightly, if I could get away with it, I would murder people. But I can't get away with it, so I just go on not murdering! My dog is dying, and my natural reaction to this was, "Hey, maybe I can stab his dead body so I know what it feels like to stab a body! It will already be dead so people won't think I'm crazy!" and I decided to suggest I do this to my Mother because I knew she'd freak out. She did. It was humerous. I have no identifiable emotions, no attatchments to anyone or anything. Sometimes, though, I feel an irrational fear, but it's rare, and only comes usually when I'm having an episode. See, I have these episodes of extreme intensity, which I call a takeover. Basically, I feel as if I am living with something else inside of me, which gives a constant running monologue on every situation, which I appease by doing certain things (such as manipulating people, harmless manipulation, manipulation which gives me results that I will find humerous) but sometimes it comes out anyway. That's when I have an episode. It's like it completely takes over me, and leaves the real me where it used to be. It's hard to cope with, sometimes in the episode I feel an overwhelming urge to kill myself, others it's to kill other people, but I always always fight it because I have to. I also had an emotional attatchment to a girl once, I could perhaps say I loved her, but I'm not so sure, I don't think I'm capable of love. I'm capable of emotions, because I cared for her a lot, but nothing as deep as love. Which sort of proves I'm not a sociopath, doesn't it? So I'm lost. What the hell could I be suffering with?
fantasy Joined: Jul 28, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-10-26 22:40:38
	It would sound antisocial / psychopathic if it weren't that you actually do have some emotions, however little. Try talking to a professional?
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-10-26 23:16:35
	fantasy! good to see you again. how are you?
CosmoAwesmo Joined: Jun 20, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-10-26 23:36:28
	I'm not sure if it's worth mentioning in this instance, but I have heard of variance (albeit very little) in levels of flatness from antisocial to antisocial. In other words, some are even more heartless than others. These degrees seem to vary from extremely heartless to mostly heartless, but able to connect w/ a few certain people or ideas. However, you still said you'd die for this girl -- readily. That's enough reason on its own to rule out this disorder. Guiltless, shameless people just do not do that. It's numero uno at all times.
Hip Joined: Aug 10, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-10-27 02:18:20
	Schizoid-antisocial. I laughed a little at your post because that describes me almost perfectly 3-4 years ago and I couldve written that whole post myself. Since then i've improved massively and developed a degree of emotional capacity and attachment.
PaulKersey Joined: Oct 26, '10 Status: New User	2010-10-27 08:20:12
	Schizoid-antisocial? I'm looking around the internet, but can't find much about it. Could you tell me a little more about it?
Obsidian Joined: Jan 22, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-10-27 08:40:15
	If I have to guess I would go with Compensatory Narcissism.
PaulKersey Joined: Oct 26, '10 Status: New User	2010-10-27 09:10:50
	Hmm, I'm not so sure it's that. I don't give a rat's ass about anyone else's opinions on me, as long as I don't let on about the real me I'm fine. And I have no goals, no desire for any sort of stardom or any of that jazz, as long as I can earn enough money to live I don't care how I get it!
Obsidian Joined: Jan 22, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-10-27 17:42:07
	"I don't give a rat's ass about anyone else's opinions on me" In that case, funny thread name. :P
CosmoAwesmo Joined: Jun 20, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-10-27 17:56:27
	w
fantasy Joined: Jul 28, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-10-27 22:39:49
	ELIZAFAUNA!!! I missed you!
Obsidian Joined: Jan 22, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-10-27 22:42:16
	Yea, you better hurry up and talk to her, she will be here for one or two days tops, then she will disappear for a month or two. :P
fantasy Joined: Jul 28, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-10-27 22:43:35
	what?? why?? :(
Obsidian Joined: Jan 22, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-10-27 22:47:17
	How should I know? Ask her. :P
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-10-27 23:33:56
	hi obsidian.hi fantasy. yeah..i dissapear due to densed schedule. sometimes i do peek without posting. i guess a bunch of other senior users does that too. stalkers.hehe.. how is everthing? everythin's ok here,except living in mountains and rain forests here makes the weather pretty bad that it just won't stop raining with risk of flood. but can't complaint much. everything else is just good. latest shocking sensational news in canada is the ex-col russell williams news.another psycopath on the list. sick mind with incomprehensible act. so what's latest sensation in sweden and US?
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