Thread Topic: Dealing with Narcissists at Work or in the Family
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fantasy
Joined: Jul 28, '09
Status: New User |
2009-07-30 10:52:37 |
| I guess they can't help it any more then depressed people can. I try to understand them, but I've had some hurtful experience dealing with them, that is why my tone was so angry. But I admire your strength in pursuing your goals despite his "de"support. I hope I'll find that kind of strength in myself one day. | |
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Unanswered Thread: So which razor/blade posted by Hip 15 hours ago |
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inmichigan2
Joined: Jul 27, '09
Status: New User |
2009-07-31 06:44:24 |
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fantasy, once you see the pattern -- that they are disappointed in you no matter what you do -- it gets easier to say, "Since they'll judge me and put me down whatever I do, I'll sit down and think about what *I* really want in life. And then I'll pursue my own goals." You cannot control them, but you can control yourself. It's just really, really hard when someone is there trying to pull the rug out from under you. I understand how hard it is to let go of the thought, "If I just do what they are saying they want me to do, they'll be happy with me." But do you notice that happiness and approval lasts only a very brief time? They are unhappy people who cannot be satisfied. One thing I tell myself nearly ever day is, "I will not let a mentally ill person define who I am." |
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sosad
Joined: Aug 21, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-21 04:43:39 |
| The lucky people who got out of the relationships with narcissitic partners!!! Who could be proud and boast that this disorder is OK - my advice is for the people with this disorder to get help. My child lives with a person with this disorder and has tried to take their own life, however they still remain living together. Why can't my child see what is happening!!! They have lost their babies to me and my child nearly lost their life. When will I wake up from this nightmare - how can I get my child away and set my child free!!!!! | |
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SmilingPrincess
Joined: Aug 19, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-21 09:46:07 |
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I was recently diagnosed with a Borderline Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm not aggressive and hostile as with other people with this disorder. So not all people who are Narcissistic are tyrants. But I do hurt people in other ways and I know how to act certain ways in front of certain people to get the attention and admiration I want. I use sarcastic remarks, flippant jokes, and negative body language to hurt peoples feelings. Sometimes I pretend I'm giving meaningful advice to a particular person, acting like I'm caring, but I know I'm cutting that person up with all of my "caring". If I don't like someone I don't make it a secret. I can be rude by walking out the room when they walk in or rolling my eyes as they talk, making it clear they are boring me. When I don't like someone it could be for reasons that is so ridiculous. I have a way of manipulating people to make them feel they are the ones losing their mines and I'm just fine and didn't do anything wrong even if I know I was the one doing the damage. I also tend to live in the mirror and rely way too much on my appearance. It's like when I walk in the room, I have to be noticed and the center of attention. If some people don't compliment me the way I want, I tend to shut down on them and find it waste of my time engaging in conversation. I could go on and on, but the bottomline is I at one point realized that I had a problem. Trying to feed my ego and my self-esteem was consuming me. I wasn't enjoying life unless it was about me being admired. I felt evil and cold, almost like a sociopath, although believe me I'm no sociopath, but the part of me hurting others mentally and emotionally without a conscience bothered me. I wanted to have normal feelings and genuine feelings. In moments of clarity, I would feel regret and confusion over why I act the way I do. I really got desperate for help when I finally met a man I actually experienced love with for the first time. I said to myself "this is what love feels like. Wow." I didn't know I was capable I feeling that for a man outside my grandpa, who I love dearly. I actually found myself caring and doing things for this man because I cared, but I still did things to hurt him and made him feel like he wasn't good enough for me. Every time I have an insecure thought I shut down on him and he feels like he always did something wrong. Instead of admitting that its me not him, I let him feel that and not show emotions to comfort him. It's crazy. But right now I'm in therapy and before I continue hurting him I need to get my act together. I also can't live life the way I've been living. Thanks for letting me share. |
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Jayt
Joined: Aug 30, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-19 04:23:06 |
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Living as opposed to Leaving My Narcissist I have been with a narcissist for 35yrs. He has never been physically violent, only verbally. His rages are amazing. Till recently I thought I was causing his rages and blamed myself. Not anymore after reading the symptoms of this disorder. But I am able to deal with him differently and it works. You have to say to yourself he has a mental problem which he cant see and we cant fix, so to make life easier on myself I have become firmer with him. Given him ultimatums, eg I wont put up with his behaviour. It works - they dont like to be confronted. I feel like I am living with a child - but looking back over the years thats what its been like only I did not know it. |
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freeatlast
Joined: Oct 17, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-17 14:15:39 |
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Jayt: I see myself in your post. After being married 30 plus years, my husband had an intense two year affair with a co-worker about three years ago. After wondering and agonizing why and how he could do this to me, I discovered through individual counseling, that he has NPD and it has been a part of his life since childhood--I just didn't know until all the literature on the subject said these people were 90% very likely to have affairs. I know now why he did what he did. It doesn't make the affair more bearable(he ended it a while ago)nor does it excuse his behavior, but at least I know I'm not the cause. Just like other posters, he cried,begged, and prayed for me not to leave him, and due to out long history and family ties, it's easier to stay than to leave. I know now how to deal with him, and although he is remorseful for the pain he has caused, I know better than to let my guard down again , and I'm getting pretty good at doing my own thing when I feel like it without worrying if it is something i should get his approval on, or trying to do things to please him. It's mind-boggling how all those years of letting him "suggest" how I should do things or approach this or that was really his way of emotionally abusing me and controlling me while pretending to be doing it for my best interest. You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. |
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ConfusedGirl23
Joined: Oct 31, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-31 08:53:08 |
| Inmichigan2, my husband and I have been married 1 1/2 year now. When I first met him he was the most charming man I had ever met. He could do no wrong he seemed too good to be true. Few months after we got engaged I noticed some odd behavior. When I questioned him he could make it seem I'm losing it. He never told me anything about his "friends". I found out about them after we were married. He is still friends with his ex girlfriend, which he still supports financially and her kids. None are his kids. I notice they have a co-depend relationship as well. He has this other "friend" who he wanted to be with but she didn't want him. After he was engaged to me she wanted him. When we are around this woman he acts like he has no feelings for me. He tells her she's pretty and smart etc. He puts me down sarcastically. When I complain about it he says I'm jealous and psycho. He says he is doing it to make her feel better about herself because she is lonely. If I complain about his relationship with his ex girlfriend he tells me if I'm not happy I should leave. He doesn't think he lied to me or hid anything from me. But he never told me anything about these women. Now he makes it seem like they are better than me etc. He always puts me down no matter what I do. When he is mad at me he makes up stories about me to his friends and family. I knew he had a mental disorder. I has read something about narcissistics in college so I kind of realized he might be one. I started doing research on this disordered and every single thing I found related to my husband. I don't know what to do. My situation seems similar to yours. My husband had a phone family plan with his ex and her kids until very recently. After a year of complaining he finally changed it. But I feel like these women will never be gone from his life because he is too attached to them in a weird twisted way. I am so confused as what to do. | |
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Hip
Joined: Aug 10, '09
Status: Senior User |
2009-10-31 09:50:37 |
| Leave the weirdo while you still can. | |
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psychohealthy
Joined: Nov 8, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-08 19:13:14 |
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Smiling Princess, thank you for your candid post. It was VERY helpful to me. What I want to say to you, personally (to give you incentive to become a better person but also truthfully) is: If I saw the narcissistic princess at a party I would not BOTHER to get to know you. But the smart and I'm guessing pretty person who posted with such honesty - I'd be HER friend in a New York minute! My DH is Narcissitic, pessimistic. It has taken me a LONG time to figure this out. I knew there was something going on with him (a sort of mask to protect his vulnerable self). It may be easier for me to be empathetic toward MY narcissist because 1. he doesn't cheat on me 2. his flaw is likely the result of an early childhood trauma (plane crashed in his neighborhood killing a young friend) My DH will lash out at me from the blue and it takes me off guard - is ALWAYS critical of ME. The best response is to pretend NOTHING JUST HAPPENED...he will then run off (but not away). He did this yesterday when he suddenly called me lazy and went on about how I don't do "a damn thing around here" (which is FAR from true). I gave him a minute and then confronted him with "Just because you say I'm lazy does not mean it's true. I know I'm not lazy. If you think I am, maybe it's because you don't really KNOW what I do. You don't know what I do because it simply does not interest you." I am ducky and after 17 years it slides off because I am strong and know who I am. He is otherwise an okay dude. We COULD have a much better relationship but only when he decides that I do have needs (I cannot bother him with that now), interests (I cannot in his eyes be important), and value (to him though he cannot see it). This is HIS loss more than mine. I derive personal satisfaction from our fantastic kids and my work. I DO support him when he needs to talk even though he will not do that for me. I have friends who WILL. |
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kimmy
Joined: Nov 15, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-22 19:44:36 |
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I lived with and was abused by a narcissistic husband for years. I finally got out. The last time he assaulted me which was the 3 rd time he had since i kicked him out he went to the police and convinced them I was the abuser! I had bruises and our kids were a mess even though they never saw him hit me that time they heard me screaming and have witnessed it in the past. I was put as the offender which I had overturned. I now have a permanent protection order but his current partner and his family believe everything he says and that I lied he never laid a finger on me and that I'm nuts. I have also according to them turned our teenage children against him with my lies thats why they wont see him. She as well as his family believe whatever he says but so did my parents until the kids and my neighbors told them things. My own parents believed him because he was such a friendly nice guy that wouldn't hurt a fly. Unfortunately I have a very big reminder of the abuse too.... our eldest daughter is very much like her father she no longer lives with me and some of the stories that she tells are more far out than her fathers. I am tired of being told things and having to correct people. Whenever i do hear from her it is to be abused and i have felt she is at the point of hitting me but only think she stops because other people are present. What do I do about this lying and make her accountable for it. I have no son that I adopted out and has now found me! I have never had triplets so she can't be one! and her fathers is not a french chef I was with her father for 20 years and I was faithful he was the one that wasn't! and she has never had a boyfriend that was killed especially after shes had an argument with him. Shes told these stories so effectively she has been believed! What do I do I'm at my wits end wondering what else shes going to come up with or I'm going to hear about. |
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johnny
Joined: Nov 22, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-22 23:22:08 |
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This is a reply to inmichigan2 instead of expressing your rage on this forum why don't you just leave him? maybe you can get some money off him to finish off school maybe you can get a job while you are in school would you rather be emotionally tortured than having to work real hard and have a healthy mentality? O WAIT I FORGOT YOU ARE A WOMAN I can not understand why women complain about all these s--- and do nothing about it. i mean i feel you. You might still be living in a male dominate world, but you can still make something out of yourself. Sure, you are old, but it is never too late . I doubt women will ever be actually respected in this world completely. It is human nature, YOU DON'T f--- WITH THE MOTHER NATURE. YOU CAN EVOLVE, BUT YOU CAN'T f--- WITH THE MOTHER NATURE. Don't get me wrong i have nothing against women, i just think some of them should stop b----ing and start working. There are a s--- load of successful women out there that i look up to. EVEN THOUGH SOME OF THEM STILL GET EMOTIONALLY f---ED. I am totally missing the point here. good luck |
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pinkputter
Joined: Dec 2, '09
Status: New User |
2009-12-02 12:19:07 |
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I have somewhat of a background in Psy and after reading posts, I feel the need to tell those who have it that, yes it is a disorder. Because disorders are anything that affects relationships and day-to-day activities in your life, narcism is one of such disorders. A reason some one who has narcism does not think 1. that they have a disorder or 2. that it is a problem is because they put HIGH importance on how they appear to others. Self esteem and confidence are important to each person, but a little known understanding about people with narcism is that, in reality, your self esteem is not as high as you would like to think it is. In fact, the disorder is a self-esteem difficiency, which is why relationships are damaged. The narcisstic person overlooks their own difficiency and projects it onto others' who may have no problem with their self-esteem on a regular basis like the person struggling with narcism does, but the person with narcism will do what it takes to preserve their ego, and unfortunately the only way they know to do this lacks empathy for themselves and anyone they are around. if you do have narcism, please seek help. the fact that it is a disorder is nothing to run away from. because if you have it, chances are, right now it is affecting your day-to-day life, whether you realize it or not. getting help, like any disorder, will only give you a better quality of life. don't mistake confidence for ego-centricism or anti-social behavior |
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pinkputter
Joined: Dec 2, '09
Status: New User |
2009-12-02 12:26:33 |
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SmilingPrincess, thank you for sharing. You are some one who can get the most from therapy because you understand that when something like a disorder consumes you, it is not a way of life. Your life can be so much better and narcism doesn't need to consume you...keep getting the help and I know that you will be a stronger, more genuine person from it. Best of luck to you in the future. |
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sammy500c
Joined: Dec 9, '09
Status: New User |
2009-12-09 21:09:34 |
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I recently got divorce about a year ago. My ex-husband and I are 15 yrs. apart. We were married for 10. Dated 4 before we were married so have known each other 14 yrs. My daughter (from a previous marriage) just left home for college this fall. My father is dyeing of bone cancer and is in the last stages. My ex-husband and I have been trying to work things out but can't seem to get along here lately. For instance: we were arguing over me not wanting to talk about my dad. He wanted to know at 11:30pm on night about my dad and I was so tired I asked him if we could talk about it in the morning. (I had taken my father for a dr.'s appt. driving 4 hours that day.) He responded, "I should talk about it anytime he wants me to... Not when I want to." Is this normal? |
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lplivefree
Joined: Dec 31, '09
Status: New User |
2009-12-31 06:09:57 |
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I met my narcissistic husband in 2002. He came on strong. Professed his love almost immediately. Within 1 month he asked that we see each other exclusively then manipulated his way into my apartment within 4 months. He is alcoholic and became verbally/physically abusive/threatening shortly after moving in. During the short dating time he asked a lot of questions about me and my past to which I answered and he to this day has twisted to throw back in my face in an attempt to upset/depress me. We bought a house with his father's money. It was put in my name with father n law having a lien. His ex-livein contacted his father to invite herself to a family function in Nov. 2007 since her sister was married to my brother n law and she never married, both parents deceased I felt sorry for her and said okay. From our first meeting LH had the nerve to treat me like I was the other women. She acts as though I am invisible as she flirts with my Narc. The following June someone these to idiots knew 20 years prior died and they went to a wake that I did not attend. My narc slept with someone that night. By the end of 2008 my Narc quit working and drew unemployment until his retirement kicked in. He started running to LH's house while I was at work and I started tracking his cell phone. I talked to him about my feelings on this 3 times, he would promise never to see her again. The fourth time, I moved out. He did the classic narc phoney tears, professed love for me and wanted to work it out. I went back and forth for 7 months and he just quit using the cell and leaving it at home when he would go see her. Two months after I left I found his used condom in the bathroom and he said it was a one night stand with a women he didn't know. That was a lie as her name has changed because he can't remember the name he gave me initially. I don't know who it was. I know in my gut he has been with another woman atleast 5 times in the last 12 months. I left again and the low life is now trying to screw me out of my share of our money and home. I've changed my phone number and will be going to get the remainder of my belongings this weekend. Also I cannot understand why this woman would have anything to do with him. When they broke up it was because he beat her so bad he put her into the hospital and according to her family, it made her crazy??? All I can say is I tried and when you see postings saying if they are a narcissist to run and no contact....THEY ARE SO RIGHT BECAUSE NOTHING IS REAL AND NEVER WILL BE....I WILL BE ME AGAIN BECAUSE I WAS TOO STRONG TO BE BROKEN BY THIS LOSER NAMED ROBERT DIPUCCIO |
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Unanswered Thread: shyness is ruining my life posted by paul1984 22 hours ago |
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