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Madelaine24
Joined: Mar 22, '10
Status: New User |
2010-03-22 15:31:57 |
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last week borderline and histrionic p.d. was diagnosed by a psychologist.. So ok, i knew somehow there´s something wrong with me but didn´t want it to realize. Normal relationships bore me after a while but i try to keep the persons because they care about me.. somehow it fells wrong to have sex with my partner but it feels right to have sex with the guys I admire..I don´t even care when I´m cheating on my partners.. i know it´s wrong and disgusting but i cannot stop consider a guy as interesting I imagine how it would be seducing him.. I play with them.. look at them and flirt with them... but they are some kind of toys for me.. BUT I met two male persons in my life and im relly obsessed with them! I don´t know why.. I would do everything for them to get their attention.. Both are very dominant and I like that.. I want to be their lovedoll and I want them to abuse me. I like little slaps in the face and being strangled.. I just want them to dominate me.. I love to undress myself while one of them watches me via webcam. I really feel like a queen then and so perfect und pretty.. I love it when they tell me "I f*** you and so you are mine" or "you are my pet, i f*** you, I teach you and I care for you". When I meet them I get a mixture of sex, brutality and love. But if I don´t get the attention from one of those two guys i am relly pissed and I feel like they are betraying me.. I hate them for not giving me this attention because I am really dependent on these guys and their attention...If they don´t give it to me and I get the feeling I am not special for them I start drinking and feel like there is nothing left in my life.. This is so horrible.. betraying partners, being caught in these needs and desires I don´t know what to do against it.. it is so overwhelmimg... |
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Cindy
Joined: Mar 22, '10
Status: New User |
2010-03-22 16:19:46 |
| Can I ask you, do you think you were raised by a borderline? Maybe you didn't get what you needed as a child and now have issues with intimacy, therefore, you chose to pick temporary relationships and are unconsciously determined to destroy them. I mean, ther eHAS to be a reason to chose a situation that will hurt you in the end. The drinking is a way to mask the pain, too, I think. Tell me if I am wrong. Tell me why you think you came to this place in your life. I am sorry that you are here, by the way. It must disturb you:( | |
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Cindy
Joined: Mar 22, '10
Status: New User |
2010-03-22 16:20:47 |
| "Here", meaning in this sad place in your heart, not this forum. It read wrong, sorry. | |
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Cindy
Joined: Mar 22, '10
Status: New User |
2010-03-22 16:29:52 |
| By the way, I read your other post that said your MOm was an alcoholic. That explains your not feeling protected...maybe made you put up walls and you don't know how to bring them down in order to have good people around you. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. I want you to know that Jesus loves you. If you have never known Him, He will never let you down, will always guide you through the darkness and will bring goodness into your life and make you feel and know your worth. You are worth loving and you are more than your past actions. | |
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Madelaine24
Joined: Mar 22, '10
Status: New User |
2010-03-22 16:52:23 |
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Thanks a lot for your comment! Honestly I don´t know... my Mum is strange. When her mother died she suffered from depressions and panic attacks then she started drinking as well.. There were always periods when it got really worse.. she was drinking so much she didn´t even realize where she was.. When she was sober (and she was sometimes) then she was the best mum on the planet but when she was drunk she was a totally different person. When I was fourteen I started cuttuig myself because on the one hand I loved her and on the other hand I hated her for her alcohol problem. In school it wasn´t much better I was always considered as strange.. When I got older I started dressing up in a provocative way and got attention but at least I was the b**** of the school even if I was still a virgin... But I liked the attention.. And then it got so hard to bring sex and love together. In my first long relationship (I was first very proud of myself that I loved the guy and sleeping with him was also fine) but I started to become dependent on him.. I started to starve.. and later started the affair with one of the guys.. I was really sad and disgusted by myself that I was a cheater.. I always had some kind of emotional affairs with others but I was proud that they did not got to a physical level.. but I had crossed the border then. Yeah the drinking is a way to mask the pain and helps to escape from reality. I don´t know why I do need these guys and their attention and especially this violent sex..well it´s kind of funny somehow.. both of them look very similarly.. I was often asked by partners if I was sexually abused as a child.. I don´t know.. If it was like that I can´t remember.. |
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Cindy
Joined: Mar 22, '10
Status: New User |
2010-03-22 17:18:28 |
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Well, Jesus loves you. If you ask Him into your heart, He won't change you all at once, but you will feel a peace like never before. All you need to do is pray, Jesus, I accept your free gift of love and I accept that You will change me in time and I ask you to forgive me of my past and future sins and help me be the person I need to be and the person you designed me to be. I never will be perfect but I want to love freely and truly and to be truly loved and cherished. I know you want that for me. I accept you and I KNOW you accept me, Amen... If you pray that prayer, you will be redeemed adn in time, you willl have your path and you will never be alone or forsaken again. |
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Cindy
Joined: Mar 22, '10
Status: New User |
2010-03-22 17:19:56 |
| Have to go to dinner. I hope this helps. YOu deserve so much more than you know. | |
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