Alone and Depressed

Thread Topic: Alone and Depressed

soTired Joined: Nov 13, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-13 10:43:10
	I'm 37 and have lived my life battling depression. I grew up with abuse in my home, physical and mental. As a result, I've lived life as a withdrawn and damaged person. I don't expect to ever have a normal relationship with a woman since I grew up needing love and acceptance from a woman I grew to hate. From now untill the day I die I will always view women in this manner, wanting love and affection but yet finding myself despising them once I've won their affection or their sex. I live every day in depression with the only help coming from medication right now. I've sought help and therapy, however despite my knowledge of my own problems and understand some of the methods for mental health there is no improvement. I still wake up everyday struggling with sadness and lonliness. I don't ask for anyone's sympathy. I don't need anyone's help persay. I keep a journal and usually write in it when I'm feeling really depressed. Writing about it helps, but sadly if you read it you'd think I was a broken record. I don't care if I find a women to love or not. Honestly, I'm happier as a bachelor because of the freedoms and independance. The problem is I cannot rid myself of the need for companionship and love. These are human traits that I pray to God everyday to remove. I hate feeling this way and it really makes it hard for me to truly live. I sit here feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing, absolutely nothing. I'm tired as well. It's like I consistently have no energy what-so-ever. Do I think about my own demise? Of course, who doesn't. Would I actually kill myself, no. However, I constantly think of how I wish I hadn't been born. How could I have been born to someone who treated me like an inconvenience. How could a mother resort to beating and, how do you say, putting her own son down, de-moralizing every time she felt angry or upset about something. To ask your own child "why do you make my life so difficult?" is just as abusive as beating him about the head with a tin can. Yes, she did them both. I didn't grow up in a third world country, I didn't have to fear for my life on a daily basis. I didn't die or receive crippling wounds from growing up in a country full of strife. But I feel as though I regret every day I live that some poor child in one of those countries should have lived instead. You can only imagine how very few people would truly miss me. No one depends on me or needs me in a vital way. How much effect have I really had during the course of my time on this earth and what could I possibly ever do to make any sort of difference. I'm tired, tired of trying and tired of hurting. I've begged God for help. I'm not a religious man, but I ask for help every day, literally. I know I'm not the first person to ever feel this way. I don't expect a handout here. Again, I know I should feel lucky to be alive but I don't. I keep thinking if I could go to theater and die doing something for someone else, at least I'd have a worthwhile death.
california Joined: Aug 2, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-11-13 10:58:38
	"I keep thinking if I could go to theater and die doing something for someone else, at least I'd have a worthwhile death." With your death your life would have meaning?
nbliz Joined: Oct 24, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-11-13 15:03:39
	Its true you will never find a women. beacuse you hate them and yes hate them beacuse they hate you ,just like u mom, she hated you too beacuse she is just a women too.
fantasy Joined: Jul 28, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-11-16 00:51:15
	Don't regret your life, it wasn't a bundle of rainbows but at least you are here and you are here for a reason. It's never too late to change things or get help. I know you had a terrible experience with your mom but women are not all bad, don't shut them out, at least give some of us a chance. And if it makes you feel any better, I would really be sad if you were gone, after all I have read, I can relate and feel your loneliness, more than you think. Keep faith in life and don't lose hope. xx
8Lions Joined: Oct 7, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-11-25 16:20:28
	soTired, you seem like a really loving person underneath your anger. i'm a woman who's been abused by men, and i know it can be extremely difficult to separate distrust and anger toward abusive men from how i feel about every other man i meet. obviously i have no idea what it's like in your shoes, but i will never have a "normal" relationship either, because i will never be able to trust someone. nbliz - women don't hate men just because they're women. some women do hate men because they went through the same sort of thing soTired went through, except with dad instead of mom. not because they're "just women."
CosmoAwesmo Joined: Jun 20, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-11-25 16:52:01
	The meds don't entirely work themselves. You need to maintain a proper disposition. You need to try to be positive and motivate yourself. Get a psychotherapist to help w/ that. Try exercise.
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