Learning to live for myself

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Thread Topic: Learning to live for myself

Ozzar009 Joined: Dec 21, '09 Status: New User	2009-12-21 19:06:15
	Hi. I'm Liam. Because me family and me mates are very concerned i felt i should take a personality disorder test to further confirm what they've all been seeing in me. And i guess, as it is, they're right; i have a dependent personality disorder. So there, i said it. My uncle and me mates, whom i regard as brothers, know the deeper darker parts of how i grew up being that i felt i could trust them with that info. As one of me mates has his masters in psychology and psychiatry, he's just 3 years too young to obtain his license to practice, he and the other and me uncle feel that the 'incident' that happened when i was three and on till i was eleven played a paramount part in my psychological development and that if i talk about it and the other things i feel, it should at least help. So here goes: At the age of three, on a snowy winter's day, i was... for lack of a betta' description, made, by my 'cousin', a sexual play thing for him to practice on. At the time he was nearly six and i had just turned three a month before. Though he was so young, it was still very clear he knew what he was doing; and that became even more clear when i was eight and he told me that he used me to practice on. Long story short, in addition to all this, i moved away at 11, away from my real friends, to a whole other part of the country where people were more... square. The need for acceptance allowed for someone else to later 'use' me again for about two years. No one eva' knew. When i was twelve i realized i was genuinely attracted to other guys, which scared the hell outta me. This added to the difficulty of my home life, living with a single mum who expected a lot outta me as a person; she wanted me to be someone i wasn't and never could be. I am a rather alternative person and she is very conservative. Everything i did was wrong, or incorrect, or something that was just not done. She always, and still does, come at everything i do or don't do in anger rather than concern. Being multiracial doesn't help either especially when i have the appearance of a Pacific Islander or native of India, when actually i'm two-thirds Irish and Scottish, part Native American and Black, in a society where nearly every black person dislikes me because i'm 'not black enough', 'can't measure up', or because i claim meself as mixed instead of Black because of the whole One-Drop rule. I often spent my time alone because i felt as though everyone was always angry with me over something and that i was a burden. In college when i finally made friends whom i now regard as brothers and them the same to me, I felt happy just to be around them. I give them their space and privacy, of course; just knowing that they're around and that they care is enough. I like one of me mates suffer from Psychotic Major Depression. Even though i take my meds once a week, mainly because they make me too tired, i often felt as though my time in their lives was ending and that one day soon they wouldn't need me anymore. They would tell me, and still do, that it's not true, they don't wanna get rid of me. But like me aunt and uncle they want me to be happy for me and not because it's what they want for me. Because of the economy and circumstances beyond our control, i stay with my relatives right now though i still keep in touch with me brothers. While looking for work, i'm trying to take time to understand meself, my nature, and to find it within meself to want something because it's what I want and not with or at least not just with the thought: "if i'm established, i can help the guys better their lives so it's not so hard on them." and more so with the thought: "because this makes me happy". But then again, helping my brothers in their lives, their endeavours, does make me happy. I'm happy because someone else is happy. But when there's no one left, I feel as though there's no reason for me to keep going; which is what i'm trying to fix.
TheDarkPassenger Joined: Dec 22, '09 Status: New User	2009-12-22 18:29:03
	Well you need to start things that matter to you, things not people. Find some hobbies or interests, go to the gym get a routine going. Try making some art, go to some social classes that are available in your area. Be carefull with these personality tests, if you really look at the questions and what they will set off their a little sketchy. Personally i think that some answers come down to the individual and may not have anything to do with the end result of the test, however the test will say something in return when in reality there my be no issue there. I dont know you very well or what you have going for you in your life but first and foremost you must learn to accept yourself, give yourself credit, be proud of your achievements, set new goals and move forward in life. Try writing your thoughts and feelings down and then dont read them for a while but try to be consistent, i dont mean like a journal. Then after 4 or 6 weeks go back an read 2 weeks worth of entries, how do you feel, do you feel like youve changed, what dont you like? To me it sounds like youve had a pretty traumatic experience and i personally cant imagine what that would be like, maybe you should see some counseling. Again i really cant offer any other advice in that department other than maybe to see a professional.
Ozzar009 Joined: Dec 21, '09 Status: New User	2009-12-22 18:46:32
	i appreciate your advice; really i do. Thanks for reading. I know what you mean about these tests. A lot about meself is actually the opposite of what people are normally. In reference to Dependent Personality Disorder, what's typical is that the person feels a need to be taken care of. I'm the opposite. Instead i feel like i need to take care of the people i love because... it gives me purpose; it gives me a reason to be there. I feel like if i'm not needed or wanted, i don't have a place. Me brothers remind me often i always have a place; in their home, their lives; but again, they want me to have something for meself. I'm workin' on it. I do work out, as much as i should; i have a metabolism problem, but that's a whole otha' kettle o' fish altogetha'; i right to vent me frustrations. I'm an amateur photographer but me camera's dead so i haven't been able to post anythin' for a while. Maybe i don't do this enough, but i try and think to meself and say that i deserve to be happy; but i can't. I don't know how. I can't feel pride either; in anything. It's not an emotion i'm able to experience. I have a lotta love for me culture and me mates, but..... no pride. I can identify it in people, i know it when i see it; i just can't feel it for meself. I try to think about me, but then i feel like that's being selfish; and i don't wanna be selfish. gawd, i'm really f---ed up, aren't I?
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