Thread Topic: Someone listen, please....
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Firaphrin
Joined: Nov 6, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-06 15:53:42 |
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So I have been taking this test occasionally throughout the last 2 years, with some slight fluctuations in the answers, but basically always the same result. I realize that an internet quiz is not a guarantee that I actually have Dependant Personality disorder, but I think that I do exhibit many of the symptoms and believe that it would be of some help to post here and get an outsider's opinion on this sticky situation. (paragraphs nicely spaced for easy reading!) I have just come to terms with the fact that I am gay. I am, in general, a very repressed person and would not--still, to some extent, will not--allow myself to admit it. several weeks ago I realized that I had fallen for my best friend, a lovely gal who we shall here call 'K' for the sake of simplicity. But when K told me that she liked me back things changed. I have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend before. I have never had a real crush before. In fact, I have never had a real friend before. I do not connect well to people and tend to fake a face for social purposes, never telling my friends my troubles, for fear of "bothering" them. I have absolutely terrible self esteem and believe that no-one could possibly ever really want to stick around me when I'm not this face, because the real me has become so child-like and screwed up after many years of zero contact with people. I do not trust anyone with my heart, even my lovely K, though I truly long to. I'm just too damn scared of getting hurt. So now I'm gay, and I have realized the extent to which I have deprived myself of social relations. I am suddenly absolutely terrified. I realize that I must change the way I am, the way I have been for so many years. this will ge messy and I'd rather keep my friends out of it but I now realize that for me to consider them true friends, I cannot do that honestly. And it will get messy. So now I'm so afraid. I've been afraid for weeks, anxious to the point of vomiting every morning in a trash can at school. My doctor has perscribed an anti-anxiety medication to me, but it won't kick in for about a month, and I know a little blue pill isn't just gonna go and solve this problem. What am I afraid of? I think I'm afraid that my friends--K, especially--aren't going to want to wait through this s---storm of a life. That I'm not good enough inside for anyone and they won't have the patience for a childish simpleton such as myself. All the clever things have left my head and I don't know how to talk to K anymore. I am so confused and I feel so ill, I can't even see my feelings anymore. I don't want to do anything to chase her away. But we don't even talk about it. I don't know what our relationship is anymore. We talk about silly things but I never know how to bring up important things. I care a lot about her, I know, and that will not change; but I'm still having a hard time believing that she cares for me still. She's a sweet girl and has never done anything which could possibly be percieved as negative towards me, but I'm so afraid. I don't want her to leave, even though I don't even know if she's really there.I read into every action much too deeply and realize that I'm getting paranoid. I wish I could just calm down and talk to her and hold her hand but I'm so afraid that she'll push me away. argh, argh, argh. Background info: I am 15 years old and do have mood swings where I feel intensely depressed. However I am usually able to see that I am in just a state of mind and I ame able to allow it to pass. I am not suicidal and I do not engage in any activities which severely harm my person, other than occasionally punching myself in the head and frequently reprimanding myself for small actions which I consider to be "stupid". This is another facet of my personality I want to change, for self-hate can get QUITE annoying at times, to me and to the people around me. So I leave you with this. any comments, even just sympathies, will be highly appreciated. Thank you. |
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Unanswered Thread: Nuclear Apocalypse posted by Gumba Gumba 13 hours ago |
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Synapse
Joined: Oct 24, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-11-06 16:05:32 |
| Erm, you have no testosterone. | |
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Delirius
Joined: Nov 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-06 16:12:28 |
| I dont see where your going with that Synapse? | |
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Firaphrin
Joined: Nov 6, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-06 16:15:44 |
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wtf does testosterone have to do with anything? sigh. I didn't come here to get poked at, so reading without bias would be nice. no offense intended. holy crap my post got long. sorry guys. just skim it. |
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Delirius
Joined: Nov 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-06 16:20:34 |
| Dont worry about it and as for Synapse... thats just how he is | |
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darkemofreak
Joined: Dec 5, '09
Status: New User |
2009-12-05 04:52:45 |
| Seeing as the person is of the homosexual persuasion and the person they intend to have a relationship with is female, I'm going to assume that Firaphin is a female, Synapse. Therefore, your comment is unneeded and confusing. | |
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Jeanine
Joined: Nov 2, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-12-05 12:09:57 |
| R u sure ur gay? I dnt think u r. U dnt want to be gay, ass f..ct. U got a girl interested in you. If ur intouch with ur femaleside, take adv of it and b romantic, caring, loving. Bt dev ur male side. | |
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shades of gray
Joined: Oct 23, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-12-05 15:06:59 |
| Your a girl obviously? X | |
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shades of gray
Joined: Oct 23, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-12-05 15:32:40 |
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Right well, everything you've just said is exstreamly wierd, I'm 15, a biesexual, have fallen for my best friend who I haven't had the guts to tell (background, she went out with my other best friend, got engaged, split up 6 times even thoe she was dumped 6 times she still loved her. Eventually after 6 months of bein together she dumped my other best friend and decided to be stright) hmmm :/ just my luck. Well she obv won't ever like me, after all that I decided to give her my undivided attention and treat her really well. This backfired cus my head was f---ed up and I gott increasing more paranoyd. She was friends with someone eles an as they got closer a got worse, messin her about, telling her that I wanted to be really close and she said the same but I then said we can't if your friends with other people like that. I got so jelouse and paranoyd and untill I took a few steps back I didn't relise that. Iv since apologised and she's said it's fine. But I can't exsplane how or why I did it, I don't even want to know my own thourghts never mind tell them to anyone eles. Like you i'm so scared people won't accsept me Im not constantly happy. Iv never been good at making friends an I'm even worse at keepin them, I let someone in once and they hurt me repeatdly, tellin people my deepest feelings. So iv shut everyone out, desenstised myself from my onse very very caring self. I'm still caring I supose I just don't let myself care. I can't leave things, I dig myself into a hole and make myself paranoyd. I have really depressing mood swings where I tell myself I'm worthless and crap. Iv got to the point where I cut. Scared. Both inside an out. Iv missed alot out of this as it'd take forever to type and although I have patience, typing this envolves thinking with is something I shouldn't do as I get my self worked up, I think about things soooooooooooo very deeply, mainly people, exsamning there every move. Everything they do I read into it, making it into something it's not, grrrrr I hate who I am! I have to change, I skrew people over and I hate who I am, I usto be so nice, so kind so helpfully argh. I'm so sorry, i'm not helping. I just want you to know your not alone with any of this an it's all gunna be ok. Also being gay isn't bad, people should fall in love with people not genders. Keep me updated on what goes on ok? Sorry for goin on and btw what country are you from? Xxx |
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Firaphrin
Joined: Nov 6, '09
Status: New User |
2010-01-22 20:40:10 |
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Firstoff, people, please proofread. I find it quite challenging to read your strange, internet shorthand. And also. I used the word 'gay' here for the sake of simplicity. I AM female, but I do not like the term lesbian. I now have decided that I am not gay, or bi, or whatever, but simply a person who may or may not be interested in other people. Thank you. To shades of grey: You are in the position I was in before I came out of this mess of a situation. I can see you are not awake yet. You will wake up, if you truly want to, and that means confronting your fear and trying to understand yourself. Before people like us are even close to being capable of being intimate with other people, we must know ourselves, and be comfortable. Don't like yourself? neither do I. I have dreadfullyu violent mood swings and bruises on my fists, I have scars on my arms. What fules my will to live? What I do. If you do something, if you have any talent or any pleasure, pursue it to its upmost extent. For now, screw people. You need them later, but now you need to come out of the rut you are in. DO NOT CUT. No matter your reasons, and mine was good, you WILL regret it later. If you must, feed off of anger. Awaken the fire within you and let it rage for a while. As long as you don't hurt anyone, the fire is healthy, and will eventually fade to normal levels. Not that I believe either of is particularly normal. You don't let yourself care by use of force, or is it habit? For me it is habit and that is hard to break. I am good at making facsimilie friends. Hollow faces are easy to please, and they are easy to keep at bay and keep secrets from. These are good starters. After you are used to them you will begin to see them for what they really are. If you like it? Stay. If you don't? go away. That is one last advantage to being heartless. Paranoia and jealousy. My drugs of choice. Torturous memories of her near to me. I tell myself to hate and live on. it works. it is a lie but it works. Update on what happened to me: We "broke Up". she wrote angry poetry at me and hurt my feelings very deeply, but it's the kind of anger she expressed that was like a child's. It was illogical, and she knew that, but she could not help it. We are at bay now, apart but still friends. I will not deny I have feelings for her. But I cannot let her know. I do not forgive what she did to me. But I will not hold it against her. People can change, I am living proof of that. My eyes are open. It is now your turn. There is so much to see of yourself. I won't tell you to love yourself or anything, but I will tell you that you are likely better than a lot of the people you know. Superiority can keep you alive. Feel it. Don't feel guilty, this is a command so it isn't your fault. If she's your "true love" it will work. If not, then you aren't losing anything. Yes, I am a believer in true love. How else could I justify falling in love with another girl? There is more to physical attraction than the desire to procreate. Gay people are living proof of that. So go forth. Be a person. Don't give a s--- to what people think of you. |
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Hip
Joined: Aug 10, '09
Status: Senior User |
2010-01-22 20:55:45 |
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"So go forth. Be a person. Don't give a s--- to what people think of you." You really shouldve taken your own advice. If you couldnt just reveal you were attracted to her, could you not move gradually and let her figure out the obvious for herself? You werent spending enough time with her, too busy "fantasizing" in your little room, confused. |
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Firaphrin
Joined: Nov 6, '09
Status: New User |
2010-01-27 20:23:43 |
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That's a problem, indeed, hip. I am good at giving advice AFTER the fact, but I cannot act on it. God I hate that, just saying CAN't, makes me feel helpless. Maybe I can, but it's more difficult than you think. Maybe it isn't that I'm weak, but that I have a different level of tolerance and thinking, and the level of what happens just tends to exceed that. Or maybe I'm just lying again. I'm going to go punch something. Goodbye. |
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Hip
Joined: Aug 10, '09
Status: Senior User |
2010-01-28 14:07:54 |
| I can identify with that, its easier to talk about it than to accomplish, but that is why I said gradual. Spend time with her and dont worry about making the "right" move, she will figure it out eventually. | |
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shades of gray
Joined: Oct 23, '09
Status: Junior User |
2010-02-10 12:00:35 |
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Update: so I finally told her I loved her bout a month ago, she was very nice about it but didn't say anything back. Shed flirt an use me when she needed a tender moment with someone, although we never kissed we had this feeling of great intemacy, she had huge trus an commitment issues an I tried to erasure her an I was always there. I then asked her if someone who was already in love should pull away so they don't get hurt or gamble an fall even more so. She said walk away. I can't, she's the one. I know it. Aha people x |
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Firaphrin
Joined: Nov 6, '09
Status: New User |
2010-02-15 11:46:25 |
| If she was the one, shades-of-grey, she would love you, too, and you'd know it. If she's the one, it'll work out. If not? I hope you learn in time and avoid pain. God knows I haven't. >____> | |
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Unanswered Thread: Gumba da big dada posted by Gumba Gumba 14 hours ago |
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