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Firaphrin
Joined: Nov 6, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-06 15:53:42 |
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So I have been taking this test occasionally throughout the last 2 years, with some slight fluctuations in the answers, but basically always the same result. I realize that an internet quiz is not a guarantee that I actually have Dependant Personality disorder, but I think that I do exhibit many of the symptoms and believe that it would be of some help to post here and get an outsider's opinion on this sticky situation. (paragraphs nicely spaced for easy reading!) I have just come to terms with the fact that I am gay. I am, in general, a very repressed person and would not--still, to some extent, will not--allow myself to admit it. several weeks ago I realized that I had fallen for my best friend, a lovely gal who we shall here call 'K' for the sake of simplicity. But when K told me that she liked me back things changed. I have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend before. I have never had a real crush before. In fact, I have never had a real friend before. I do not connect well to people and tend to fake a face for social purposes, never telling my friends my troubles, for fear of "bothering" them. I have absolutely terrible self esteem and believe that no-one could possibly ever really want to stick around me when I'm not this face, because the real me has become so child-like and screwed up after many years of zero contact with people. I do not trust anyone with my heart, even my lovely K, though I truly long to. I'm just too damn scared of getting hurt. So now I'm gay, and I have realized the extent to which I have deprived myself of social relations. I am suddenly absolutely terrified. I realize that I must change the way I am, the way I have been for so many years. this will ge messy and I'd rather keep my friends out of it but I now realize that for me to consider them true friends, I cannot do that honestly. And it will get messy. So now I'm so afraid. I've been afraid for weeks, anxious to the point of vomiting every morning in a trash can at school. My doctor has perscribed an anti-anxiety medication to me, but it won't kick in for about a month, and I know a little blue pill isn't just gonna go and solve this problem. What am I afraid of? I think I'm afraid that my friends--K, especially--aren't going to want to wait through this s---storm of a life. That I'm not good enough inside for anyone and they won't have the patience for a childish simpleton such as myself. All the clever things have left my head and I don't know how to talk to K anymore. I am so confused and I feel so ill, I can't even see my feelings anymore. I don't want to do anything to chase her away. But we don't even talk about it. I don't know what our relationship is anymore. We talk about silly things but I never know how to bring up important things. I care a lot about her, I know, and that will not change; but I'm still having a hard time believing that she cares for me still. She's a sweet girl and has never done anything which could possibly be percieved as negative towards me, but I'm so afraid. I don't want her to leave, even though I don't even know if she's really there.I read into every action much too deeply and realize that I'm getting paranoid. I wish I could just calm down and talk to her and hold her hand but I'm so afraid that she'll push me away. argh, argh, argh. Background info: I am 15 years old and do have mood swings where I feel intensely depressed. However I am usually able to see that I am in just a state of mind and I ame able to allow it to pass. I am not suicidal and I do not engage in any activities which severely harm my person, other than occasionally punching myself in the head and frequently reprimanding myself for small actions which I consider to be "stupid". This is another facet of my personality I want to change, for self-hate can get QUITE annoying at times, to me and to the people around me. So I leave you with this. any comments, even just sympathies, will be highly appreciated. Thank you. |
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Unanswered Thread: What to do?! posted by Jeanine 4 hours ago |
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Synapse
Joined: Oct 24, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-11-06 16:05:32 |
| Erm, you have no testosterone. | |
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Delirius
Joined: Nov 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-06 16:12:28 |
| I dont see where your going with that Synapse? | |
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Firaphrin
Joined: Nov 6, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-06 16:15:44 |
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wtf does testosterone have to do with anything? sigh. I didn't come here to get poked at, so reading without bias would be nice. no offense intended. holy crap my post got long. sorry guys. just skim it. |
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Delirius
Joined: Nov 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-06 16:20:34 |
| Dont worry about it and as for Synapse... thats just how he is | |