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Pat_alone
Joined: Sep 27, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-27 08:50:08 |
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Hi, I'm new here. I've been with my bf for just over a year, we are very close, but I definitely depend on him too much. I don't know much about DPD, I haven't been diagnosed, but things that were written here fit pretty well. My bf works abroad for months at a time, without the possibility of email or phoning, but is home in between. Since we got together, he's been away twice, once for two months, the other time one month. Today he left again, this time for 3 months. Things are great between us, so it's nothing like the breakup stories other people have written in these forums. I know this will seem comparatively minor, but still I feel like I can't deal with being alone so long. The closer we get (we've talked about getting married) the harder it is to be alone. Everyday life is so much easier when he's here, and now that he's away again it seems impossible and I feel paralysed. I would have so much to be happy about, but when he's not here my mind just goes crazy. In addition to being scared about being alone, I'm scared about his safety. The place he's going to is quite dangerous, and my darkest fears are that something could happen to him. I have nightmares and start to even feel suicidal when my imagination gets crazy. When he's here I often let him decide about things I should decide on myself. I miss calling him and asking him for advice. He's my security blanket and much more. I am not independent enough – I cry even when we're only apart for one week. How I think of myself, and how happy I am is influenced too much by what he says and does (and where he is). And I take too much confidence from him, instead of myself, which makes it a sort of fake confidence. How do you deal with being alone? Do you distract yourself? Or try to actively deal with it? He's all I can think about, and I don't think it's healthy. I need to work on my independence, and confidence. I want to be able to go to work, or to sleep, without thinking 'at least this will bring me 9 hours closer to him'. I want to be able to wake up in the morning without being overwhelmed, and scared of every little thing just because he's not here. And I want to see the value of my own life. I know there's no recipe or guideline to follow to make it all better. I will have to learn to be strong. But I would still like to hear how other people deal with being alone! Thanks for reading. |
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Unanswered Thread: What to do?! posted by Jeanine 1 hour ago |
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Egh
Joined: Sep 27, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-27 16:40:00 |
| I have a similar problem. I have this friend who I got really close to in a short amount of time (just two weeks). He knows all my secrets and I love him as a friend. But we live in two different countries. We video chat all the time, but for the next two weeks, we won’t be able to because he has run out of internet. I too have been freaking out. Something I noticed that has helped me is listening to his voice. He left me a voice mail and when I miss him, I just listen to it. Maybe you can call his answering machine to help you cope? I’m not sure if this will help you, but I hope it will. | |
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2much42long
Joined: Sep 27, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-27 17:19:59 |
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Hi Pat, I am new here too,so guess what?Your not alone!! I have this feeling You were living in fear long befor you met this person? I thought I was the pro at living in fear!! I've been so low I couldnt understand why I was afraid of every thing! I have been afraid to open certain mail because of what I did'nt want to know would be in there for sure(bad news)I've been soo down I wont get out of bed because I might have to live if I do!How sad! I am almost 3 years into a breakup that is still tearing my heart in two,But thats my story,Ill just share a little, hope it helps! This person was so not in any way,shape or form my type 13 years older than me bald and trying to get laid! Ill skip the middle but this guy forced his way so far in my heart I did'nt even know was possible, I fell hard he put me so high on a pedestal it was embarassing! I did what your doing because it was til death do we part,I believed that. I did nothing but cry(still do sometimes)I've had to learn how to do things for myself that I had no clu how to do,and things that had to be dealt with or else and I was in the most severe depression I have ever known!My Dear Sister your fear did'nt begin when you met him you were already waiting to be rescued from yourself? Yes there are recipes and guidelines to get well but he is not on any of the pages! He will only keep you sick! And you wont even know it! Are you telling the whole story? Are you really being honest with yourself? because in the end thats all that matters! Im not a holy roller or pro by no means! I have just made up my mind to use my experiences to try to help others so I can get well! And why do you call being alone only when hes gone? Have you ever felt lonely when he was there? How long have you been together? a year? What was going on befor that? sounds like hes been gone more than around. I guess what Im really curious about is what about life befor him and life after? Are you being true to yourself? Is this a repeated behavior? Why are you so lonely? Im gonna end with a question that was asked to me one time, What is your payoff in all this? I probably didnt answer your questions, nobody could answer mine! Ive been made to see things for what they are and all these questions will help if you go way deep down to that scarry place where the truth is! God Bless And your not alone! |
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Pat_alone
Joined: Sep 27, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-28 03:58:12 |
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Egh, I know what you mean, even two weeks can seem like too long. I think I'd be crying no matter how long we're apart. I try to calm myself down by imagining what it would be like to be apart for a year or so, and then try to be thankful that it's only 3 months. It's a weak approach, I know, but it helps in the short term. I might actually call his answering machine, I've thought about that too. But on the other hand it doesn't solve any problems either, and it might make things even worse when I hear his voice so close but know that he's so far away. It might help in the short term though (again), so I might try it. 2much42long, thanks for your questions. Sometimes more questions instead of answers can help more than answers themselves. You are right about me being scared before I met him. I don't think I've ever lived without fear, and I get depressed very easily. It's something I've always been fighting against, because I want to be strong. In every relationship I had (and messed up) I was too dependent, and let the other person "rescue" me. I am very aware of this, and I'm trying to stop it from happening again (but obviously I failed). I am not sure how much of this is so deep in my personality that I can only influence it a bit, instead of changing it completely. I know what you mean about him not being on those guidelines to get well; he is not the solution to my problems. I have always tried to be honest with myself, and I know it's not right to get so low when the partner is away. I do think though that depending on somebody is part of a relationship, and I know that he depends on me too, in a good way. I don't want to shut him out of my life completely by trying to be the strongest person ever - I think I need something in between; an ability to be happy by myself, but still needing him in a way. Does this make sense? I'll try to answer some more of your questions... I don't think he is keeping me sick, I think I am doing that myself. I know I can be stronger, I just have to learn more. I still think he is the right one - I don't know if I am blinded by love, but I've never been as happy before in a relationship. And I've hardly ever felt lonely when he was here. I've felt misunderstood when we had disagreements, but not lonely. (And I think having disagreements every now and again is ok because it means I actually do have opinions and wishes of my own). We've been together for about 16 months, of which he was away for about 4months in total (until now). Before I met him, I was in a relationship that got messed up partly because I got too attached, and partly because the guy then couldn't choose between his ex and me. So yes, it is an absolutely repeated behaviour, I've always been attached to people. I know the pattern well enough - I start to like a person, single them out, forget about everybody else, and get hurt when they leave. That has gone from parents to teachers to best friends to partners. It's bad, but I think I got slightly better over the years, and even though I wouldn't consider myself independent, I have never been as close to it as now. I am aware of what is happening, and try to change it, but it's etched deep in my personality. I think it's also tightly linked to me being very sensitive, not just about myself, but also about other people's feelings. I am proud that I can read people quite well, and that I get an idea of how they feel even though they might not tell me directly. I wouldn't want to give up this sensitivity, and I think it's too strongly linked to being overly dependent to be able to separate the two. And to answer your last question --I'll risk sounding stupid -- I think my payoff in all this is being able to spend time with him when he's back. Despite the pain now I believe it's worth waiting. I may be disappointed later, I am aware of that, but it feels like the right thing to do. I just need to teach myself how to do it. I do believe we can share the rest of our lives together, if I can manage to be a complete person on my own. I hope this doesn't sound too confusing. Sorry this post got so long. |
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Pat_alone
Joined: Sep 27, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-18 03:17:27 |
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It has been three weeks now, and I feel like time isn't moving at all. Still so much longer to go! It's so hard to concentrate on work, and stuff I need to get done, and even things I normally like to do I don't have the energy to even start. Any tips how to make things easier? I know I need to concentrate on something if I want time to go by quicker. But how? |
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Unanswered Thread: VRIELLIS PLEASE READ posted by Synapse 14 days ago |
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