"Love" Life, 18 mos.

Dainagon Joined: Dec 3, '10 Status: New User	2010-12-03 13:49:25
	A year and a half ago, I met a boy I was absolutely crazy about. We played games together, took long walks, stayed up all night talking and ate breakfast together in the morning. It took a while before he admitted that he had any feelings for me at all, but once he did, it was...amazing. For about a month. Our university went on break, and we were in different states for the summer, but we spent hours talking every day. Other people were really surprised--not that he was in a relationship with me, but that he would be in a relationship with anyone. They told me that he was a jerk, but I just didn't see it. He was nothing but kind and loving around me. He told me that he had never loved anyone else, not his family, no one. And that he had only ever liked one other girl, but when she had wanted to be more than friends, he had decided it wasn't worth it. He had never held hands with another girl, much less anything else. I should make myself clear--it didn't have anything to do with whether he was good enough for girls to like him. He dual enrolled at an Ivy League school in high school; he's on one of our travelling athletic teams. I could continue, but basically...he's amazing at everything he does. He came to stay with me for a few days, after which everything changed. He loved cuddling, and kissing. But he was strange about sexual things. He didn't want me to do things to please him. He was okay with the opposite, though, and I was really frustrated. I felt completely rejected. I wanted to be close to him, and for some reason I felt like he didn't want that with me. Basically, I was stupid. So it went further than that, and the last night he was there, we almost had sex. He wouldn't speak to me that evening. He slept on the couch, and I doubt he even hugged me goodbye. He said that he didn't know whether he could love me anymore. I ignored this for a couple of weeks, and he eventually decided that he was being stupid. But it wasn't over: he spent much of the next semester going back and forth on the subject--he spent a few weeks refusing to touch me, because he wanted to make sure that he liked me for non-physical reasons. As the semester went on, we talked less and less, and I got more and more sad, and as I got more sad, he got more willing to hurt me. We fought a lot. He told me that it couldn't work, and I was heartbroken, but I tried to ignore it, and we didn't speak for a while. The next semester, I was really sad one evening, and I called him. He told me that I could come over (evening = 3 AM), and stayed up with me for a few more hours talking about what was bothering me, and giving me advice. We held each other, and went to sleep. The next several months continued in much the same vein, except that we started doing sexual things as well. We started doing...mostly sexual things. In particular, we had sex, which we had never done when we were together. He liked me less and less as the semester went on, and he told me that at the end, he didn't care about me, or respect me, or even really like being around me. And that he didn't even think I was pretty anymore. And that yes, we had had sex since he decided that. The last happened shortly after I got out of the hospital (psych ward; suicide risk--unsurprisingly, the new situation wasn't really making me less sad). We didn't talk for the rest of the summer. His roommate and I had been good friends, and I visited him after Ex-Boyfriend had gone home for the summer. We ought alcohol and got sort of drunk--this wasn't unusual for us. What was unusual was that at some point he started touching me. He started feeling me up, and put his hand down my pants--all the while, I was telling him to stop, and he was telling me I didn't mean it. He did end up stopping, but I had to hurt him quite a bit. I didn't realise at the time that Friend had screwed up a lot. I wasn't in the best state of mind, and he was someone who would talk to me--we were really good friends, otherwise. We ended up having sex later, because I decided--sex with E-B made me feel loved even though he thoughts I was disgusting; maybe sex with F would make me feel better too. It was, unsurprisingly, terrible. (During high school, a long-term boyfriend told me that he could only trust me if I would have sex with him, so I have hangups about the whole business anyway.) By the beginning of this year, I had started feeling well enough to realise that F had screwed up a lot, and I stopped talking to him at all. But I was really angry, both at E-B, and at someone who had been my best friend freshman year. They had both supposedly cared a lot about me, had loved me, but now they liked this guy more than me. I felt so betrayed. I told E-B about it--our first conversation for about four months. He said maybe he should talk to F about it--that F couldn't act like that to girls (F was dumb about girls, in general). This was a huge thing for him. He would usually avoid such things as much as possible--it involved people knowing too much about him, I guess. I mentioned vaguely, in the interest of complete disclosure (and concern that he would ever talk to F about it) that "other stuff" had happened later. E-B's first response was to ask whether we had had sex. I asked him why it mattered. He was quiet for about ten minutes (we were chatting online), before saying that it was just because he wanted to know the situation in full. I avoided the question; he asked again later; I avoided it again. So we started talking again. He's grading one of my classes, we we'd discuss that some. Then at some point, he told me that he didn't really want to talk to me anymore. So I didn't press the issue, and we didn't. A month or two later, Other Friend wanted to talk to E-B about the...what?...sexual assault? It seems like a weird term. Anyway, I wanted to know how that conversation would go, meaning that E-B and I started talking again. Again, we got along really well. We played cards, talked, (It was still implicitly understood that we still would not be friendly to each other around other people.) All of my close friends are really frustrated with my being sad so often, and that week in particular, I felt really lonely. I called him one night (around 3 AM, again) and asked him whether I could come over; he said I could. We talked for a while, and we cuddled and kissed for at least an hour before we went to sleep. When things started turning sexual, I stopped him, telling him I didn't want him to be sad. He was happy about that, and we went to sleep with. My willpower is not all that great, however, and other things happened in the night. The first time, I stopped him and asked him--"Are you thinking about me or someone else? ...Do you find me attractive?" His response to the first was a somewhat incredulous "who else would I be thinking of?" and, to the second, "I'm not sure." He asked me to sleep on the couch then, so I left the room, and took out a razor blade, and started cutting myself. Deep--probably-should-have-stitches deep. And then I called a friend. And I still didn't feel okay. So I came back and asked him to let me stay. He grumbled about it, but let me (I was rather surprised). Again, things happened (my fault this time), but at some point he just...stopped. Stopped and held me. We went to sleep again, and I woke up to him holding me. We woke up at 4 PM, actually. Before I left, I asked him whether he was upset. He said he didn't know. I asked him whether I would ever come back. Again, he didn't know. But he wouldn't hug me before I left. Our contact since then has been limited to discussion of the return of some of my clothing. Other than that, silence. When we were together, this usually meant that he wanted time to think about something. No, I don't know what's going on. Maybe he just doesn't want t
Liaen Joined: Nov 20, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-12-04 06:51:26
	With the original guy, did you ask him why he didn't want to do certain things?
Dainagon Joined: Dec 3, '10 Status: New User	2010-12-04 17:27:23
	He said that he didn't want to do them unless he loved the person he was with so much that he knew he would be thinking about how he loved her, rather than about it feeling good.
elena17 Joined: Nov 23, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-12-04 18:43:09
	The first clue should have been when he said he didn't love anyone before, even his family. If he doesn't love mommy, he won't love you. Period.
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