I.. I don't know exactly what disorder this would be.

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Thread Topic: I.. I don't know exactly what disorder this would be.

DJay32 Joined: Nov 21, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-21 15:33:44
	Well. I know I'm very dependent. VERY. But, see.. I'm fifteen. And seeing a counselor. I don't know how to say this, but I really want to explain my situation on here. D: So.. so I will. I used to live in Sandy Springs, Georgia, up until three and a half months ago. I grew up as eccentric and outgoing, yet oddly shy. I was popular, but didn't have many real FRIENDS, y'know? People didn't often like talking to me for long amounts of time. Until 9th grade, which I'll get to in a bit. Two years ago, my dad started.... having an affair. He also began his midlife crisis around that point. Whenever he got angry, he would take it out on whoever got in his way. And around the same time, we had moved into a really, really cramped apartment. All five of us (father, mother, three sons; I am the youngest). And it was around Christmastime, so we were all at home. So he'd often take out his anger on us. Plus, once my mum found out about the affair, she started getting into arguments with him often. The word "divorce" was thrown around like a playground insult. I admit, I was a little worried. The year of 2009 was a large train wreck for me. January, on my birthday, my dad slapped me and yelled at me for disagreeing with him. I was kicked out of the apartment twice that month, both times for disagreeing. My dad blamed everything that happened on everyone else, and usually me, as I was just getting to the age where I questioned the hell out of things. When my mum told us sons about the affair, I was the only one who defended my father. 'Cause.. we didn't know the whole story! Only what she told us! It would have been prejudice to judge that fast. It has been a year and a half since I first defended him, and he has never thanked me or anything like that. In fact, in July of 2009, he accused us all of being unsupportive, then he left us. He came back at 1 AM, though; don't worry. August of 2009... mixed month, for sure. I started high school. I had just lost 40 pounds in a matter of weeks. I was thin again! :D And we had moved out of a DIFFERENT apartment, and back into the house in which we used to live. But we needed to sell it, for my dad had lost his job. So we were cleaning it up one day, and everyone was in my room, yelling to each other for whatever reason, when my dad yelled something to me from the other room. I couldn't hear him, so I just yelled "SHUT UP." He then came into my room and punched me in the right side of the face, making me stumble and fall onto the table behind me. We then got into a little scuffle while my brothers just stood and watched. In the end, I apologized to him and finished the house. The next few months were spent with me being frequently kicked out of the house, or on one occasion out of the car in the middle of town, and with threats to beat me up, and always with me apologizing to my father. At the same time, I finally got some friends at school, and.. I don't know. I have the vaguest feeling that something BIG happened ("big" like the incident I just described last paragraph) in winter of '09, but I can't recall. Then, January of 2010. The day before Martin Luther King Jr Day. I didn't want to watch a movie with my parents, so my dad called me a "little piece of s---," and proceeded to beat me up. I was sitting in a chair, and whenever I would try to get up and run, he would kick me in the balls and knock me back down. So I curled into the fetal position while he pounded at me. In the end, he flipped my chair over, and while I fell I reached for something and wound up hitting my mum, who was trying to break up the fight. My brother, who was just standing there, saw me hit my mum and then proceeded to join my father in kicking, hitting, and insulting me as I lay, sprawled, on the ground. In the end, I went up to my room after apologizing to all three of them. I then had severe rug burn on the back of my neck, and bruises all over my body. Yes, I have seen counselors about this. My friend even called the police. My parents denied anything happening, and the police left. Anyway, um... the rest of 2010 was also filled with a lot of me getting kicked out, and with a lot of me getting blamed for everything. Then we had to move to England (where we're from in the first place), 'cause my father was offered a job there. A good job. So I had to leave my first ever true friends. >.< Life in England is not that good. I can't go to school, for all the nearby schools are full. I'm still too young to even work part-time. So I spend the days at home. The flat we moved into is even more cramped than the one mentioned earlier, though luckily there are only four of us now (older brother's in university), and as you can guess, it's very cold. I haven't been sleeping or eating well lately. I've even started having nightmares. I haven't had a hug in almost four months. D: My thoughts are starting to get meshed, and my self-esteem is rather.. troubled. I'm also very hungry. You see, we're short on money, and.. I mean, last time my dad went shopping, he got three weeks' worth of shopping for the price of under one week's. Needless to say, he didn't ACTUALLY get three weeks'. This was two weeks ago, and we're almost completely out.. A month ago, I was kicked out of this flat for buying a block of cheese at the store. This time, my dad didn't let me back in. So I was stuck outside at 7:30 at night in my barefeet and a t-shirt for almost an hour. I ended up wandering into an hotel to warm up. They couldn't accommodate a minor on his own, so they called the cops for me. The police gave me a lift, and gave my dad a scolding. He now HATES me. ._. He says I called the cops, myself, even though I didn't. I've been seeing a counselor here for the past two weeks. It's been helping, but.. I still feel so incredibly isolated. And helpless. And TIRED. I really can't sleep at night. My mind keeps drifting to the past, and the inevitable future, and then I end up crying myself to sleep, and I don't want that. I don't hate my dad, though. I love him. I need him. He's.. he's my dad! Though sometimes, he seems like he's not. Sometimes it's painful to think that that man is my own father. ..so.. um.. I really don't know why I'm putting this in this exact board. I suppose this just seemed like a nice place to put this. I.. I don't know! I'm sorry. D: Chances are, this is absolutely the WRONG place to put this, and I just effed up again. >_< Sorry.
MusicBlissful Joined: Nov 20, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-21 15:56:02
	Such a dense amount of irony in the fact that this is the absolutely perfect place to put this. Firstly, I apologize for you getting such a terrible father; fathers should ALWAYS be loving, supporting, and nurturing (important to keep this in mind). I want to make this clear before continuing; I don't want to attack you, your family, or your dad. But, from what I see, you exhibit a codependent relationship with him; the more horribly he treats you the more dependent you BOTH become of each other. It is very difficult for me to explain this to someone who is as dependent as you say you are, just as difficult as it would be for you to see this from my point of view. But this family isn't healthy for you. I understand you probably can't leave (and in all honesty, the alternative, orphanage, is NOT a better option, especially for someone dependent), but I'm curious: do you WANT to leave? I would just like to point something out to you: you apologized twice in your last paragraph for the simple fact that you may or may not have put this post in the wrong spot. Sound familiar? It's not that apologizing is BAD, but merely what it represents: fear of being wrong, timidity, etc. This is the result of your dad conditioning you this way. I wish I could help you so much more than spewing all this gibberish out at you, and if it is any condolence, I'd give you a hug if I could. -hug-
DJay32 Joined: Nov 21, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-21 16:12:56
	Not one bit of that was gibberish. I'm interested in hearing more of your answers, if that's alright. Do I WANT to leave? That's quite the question. Honestly... I DO want to leave, but really, I just want to leave my dad. I still need a guardian, or someone who knows what's best for me. And really, I couldn't leave, despite my wanting to. If I did, something would be investigated, and somewhere along the line, my dad would be deemed an unfit parent. My mum isn't a fit parent, either (she's epileptic), so my brother would be out on the streets (he's twenty-two). Not to mention how much my family would surely hate me for that. >.< I'd be the one who messed up our whole family, whether or not I was the sole reason behind that. To be COMPLETELY honest, I think my dad messed our family up, though to list EXACTLY why would take literally pages and pages. He's.. done a lot. To me, my brothers, and most of all to my mother. But I DO still love him. Since my mum's epileptic, he's the only person who's actually working. And he works hard. He must have to put up with a lot of stress; he's the manager of...... tech support at BMC, I think. A lot of people depend on him. He even works for longer hours than he was supposed to. So he's busy! I don't blame him for getting incredibly stressed. Though I can't quite say I don't blame him for what he's done. ..and yeah. I know. I apologize a lot. People find that annoying. >.< I can't help it! It's almost a verbal tic at this point. Thank you ever so incredibly much for the offer, by the way. hug :D I was always a constant hugger, so this move has kind of.. torn me up. Especially since it gets so cold. ._. I feel like mentioning something else. All my life, I've looked up to my brother (the one who's in university). He's literally had ten girlfriends in.. two years. So I couldn't wait until I got to 10th grade, which was the year that he got his first. And I really wanted someone to love. Hell, before I moved, I had started forming good friendships with various girls at my school. So! Two weeks before 10th grade started, I moved! I really, really can't tell you how many times I've cried since getting here. I just want some love! Love, as in.. parent-to-child, or friend-to-friend. Romance is okay, too. And I was finally getting a lot of friends. .__. People who defended me. People who supported me. Then I freaking moved. And my mum says my dad lost his job in America because his bosses found out he had been using his corporate card to pay for things for his "sweetheart." ..so.. argh. I don't know. I ramble a lot.
MusicBlissful Joined: Nov 20, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-21 18:43:50
	Your love for your family is beautiful; it's obvious you care for your brother tremendously. So I can see why you don't want to do anything that would jeopardize them. The situation is indeed very tense and fragile. I have no doubt that your dad is the culprit for messing up your family... my dad was no where near as bad as yours, but he still changed me. He has Paranoid personality disorder, and wasn't fun to live with, but I managed. I guess I was lucky in that he and my mom were split up, so at 18 I was able to live with only my mom. For me it was the easiest thing in the world to leave my dad behind; just my personality type I suppose. So it's really hard for me to understand how you can still love him haha. But to each his own. As for moving, that's really tough. I mean, I moved once and it was only across town and it wasn't easy. I can't imagine changing countries... let alone multiple times! I sympathize. Losing friends isn't easy, especially in your situation. All I can say on that front is hang in there. Do you find it easy to make friends usually? On the girlfriend front, don't sweat it too much. Give yourself time in your new school. You may have to put yourself out of your element when trying to meet new people; give yourself a chance, and give other people a chance. Would you consider yourself shy? Rambling is good. Sometimes just ranting helps wonders :)
DJay32 Joined: Nov 21, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-22 16:04:05
	Oh, the situation's a little bit worse than I mentioned. u_u; See, I can't go to school here. All the schools are full. Like.. really. I even got the authorities to help out, but they couldn't get me in anywhere. So. I've spent almost four months here, with the only things I could do during the day are look for any possible way to make friends. I've been to a youth club. Didn't work. Oh, I'm rather outgoing. Yet I can get very shy at times. But I really want friends.. hence why I went on here, and.. told my story. I'm 100% sure that I'm good at making friends, though. I'm often told that I'm a very likable person, and well over half of my friends are girls. o_o But, see, my philosophy is that everyone has enough crap to deal with already. Why should I make it worse? Instead, why don't I try to make people happy? ^^ Though I can't say the same about when I'm around my dad. I mean, I WANT to make him happy. So much. D: But he never seems happy.. or proud of me. Moving IS tough. All in all, I've moved at least five times in the past two years. Luckily, the first four times, I didn't have to change schools. But.. yeah. Now, the question as to WHY I still love my father.. really, I just.. love him. Unconditional love. He's my father. No matter what happens, I'll end up just like him, and in too many ways, I AM just like him. Plus, he's the only support we've got. And I'm sure he loves me. If he didn't, I would be out on the street.
MusicBlissful Joined: Nov 20, '10 Status: New User	2010-12-05 22:43:06
	First off, I apologize for being incredibly late on my response. After Thanksgiving school flooded in. So you're not in school? Isn't there laws that require you to be? Lots of friends is always good. How many of those friends are close? (As in, you'll share anything and everything with them) I think -these- are the friends you shouldn't feel scared to share you problems with; I understand and agree with your philosophy: People generally have their own problems to worry about, and won't give you the attention or help you deserve. Sometimes that attention and help is just listening to you. I think it's great you want to make people happy. Benevolence is a rare thing in this world anymore. But I think it's just as important to take time for yourself. This point I can not, can NOT stress enough; make yourself happy. If you go on neglecting you own needs... well it could do harm. Speaking of doing harm; I am sorry to say I can't understand your love for you father. But! That's my problem, not yours. I'm sure you SHOULD love him; he IS the only father you have. I would like to say more, but I just can't be objective on this concept, as it is the way I am. I hope my late post didn't deter you. It shan't be as long next time ^^
DJay32 Joined: Nov 21, '10 Status: New User	2010-12-10 18:05:24
	Oh! Well. I suppose I sort of.. lost track of this place. Good to see you replied. :D Well. If there are laws requiring me to register to a school, I don't know about them. Like I said, the authorities, themselves, even tried to get me into a school. This was two months ago, and they have yet to get back to me. Friends... close friends.. well.... one problem of mine is that I didn't know what a "close friend" was until very recently. I've always trusted just about everyone, because no one has ever really done anything to abuse my trust. In fact, I STILL trust just about anyone; that's why I'm sharing this very personal story rather openly, and without much second thought. ..to answer your question! The ratio of "friends" to "close friends" of mine is about 300:10. Unfortunately, my close friends aren't online very often, except for one who isn't talkative and has grown rather distant lately. D: Though I have told my close friends about the situation, or as much as I could in the short amounts of time I have to talk to them, and they often.. ah, they make me feel so loved. It's just a shame that they're rarely on. I had may as well mention another little.. odd quirk of mine. Partly in thanks to my growing up learning to fear my father, and how every boy out there reminds me of my father, and because my mum has remained married to my dad for twenty-four years and still remains strong.. well, thanks to all that (as well as other little things), I have developed a sort of.. belief in female supremacy. As such, I find it much easier to trust women, and circumstantially, 85% of my closest friends are girls. So I suppose I lied a bit earlier (or simply forgot), in that I DO.. not trust people. Guys, in general. Now. Personality quirks aside, how about I fill you in on what's happened since I last spoke on here? For a few weeks, I have been borderline starving. My dad stopped ordering our shopping online, and started going to the store weekly. Then all of a sudden, he bought the groceries in bulk, and expected us to go three weeks without shopping again. What more, he apparently spent less money on that bulk of shopping than he would for ONE week's of normal shopping. So.. so yeah! I went hungry. And it looks like I was the ONLY one, as if I ever brought up my hunger, I would just get yelled at. "We HAVE/HAD food, you just never eat it!" But we didn't. ._. Whatever food we had, it was either snacks intended for dad, or to be saved for our dinners later on. And even then, they started feeding me their leftovers at a certain point. Then, two weeks ago, my dad said he was going out to go shopping again, and I was able to get some answers off of him. Like, the REAL reason he buys in bulk now is because he doesn't feel like going every week ("Then why not go back to shopping online," I was too afraid to ask). During that conversation, he ALSO openly blamed me for isolating myself. ..I'm sorry, but not even I love my dad so much that I'll agree with him on everything. -.- We only came to England because he lost his job, and he only lost his job because he had been using his corporate card to buy presents for the woman he was cheating with. Even while we were here, my dad said I didn't have to go to school for a while, then changed his mind and sent us to register up the day that school started, when they were full. I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to say HE is a big reason I'm so isolated. ANYWAY. That day, he got a small amount of shopping, and said it was to last us all of December. As mum and I were unpacking the food, I brought up (one last time) my hunger, and she yelled at me again. This time, I yelled back. I yelled, and yelled, and yelled some more. I wasn't yelling at my mum, nor was I even particularly mad. I was just.. sick and tired. Of everything. And I hadn't yelled in so long. So I just YELLED. Even when our neighbors were coming out to see what all the fuss was, I just kept yelling. Then I abruptly stopped, and... the next thing I remember is my dad saying a passing remark to me, and then I broke down and cried. I just sat on the sofa and cried for a full fifteen minutes, and nobody even noticed. Or cared. I think it was the crying on the sofa that made me realize just how alone I am, and how alone I will be for a VERY long time. Since that incident, I've.. changed. I'm quieter, to an extent. I'm colder. I don't talk to my parents much anymore. I didn't even talk to anyone but my VERY closest of friends, and even then, I didn't talk to them that much. I started subconsciously changing my sleeping patterns so I sleep at night and stay awake in the day, thus making me even lonelier. Most significant of all, I'm getting used to the loneliness and the abuse. This lasted for two weeks, until.. something happened. One day, I think two weeks ago, it was evening. The internet went down. It stayed down for a whole hour. I know this 'cause I timed it, as I literally had nothing else to do.. besides cry, of course. Actually, it may have been longer than an hour. Just.. after an hour passed, I went into the living room. This is where my memory gets VERY blurred and fragmented. I know I hadn't even said anything to my dad, and he said "Get out. When you come back, you're in big trouble." Then I remember being sort of rushed outside. Then I stood on a street corner for ten minutes, then I remember being inside, then in my room, in bed, lights off. Here's where things get worrying. The next day, I found my notebook had been scribbled all over. I found that I had written on every page, "I want to die." But, I swear, I don't remember writing any of this. >.< What's worse is that, halfway through the book, I had apparently drawn myself (wearing a tuxedo coat and trilby) shooting myself in the face. Seeing my notebook like that sort of.. "woke me up," if you will. I realized that being alone REALLY isn't going to end well, so since then, I've been talking more, going outside more, and even asking my counselor about what would happen if I contacted the police. ..okay! How about something I have yet to tell ANYONE? 'Cause.. 'cause this has been, unfortunately, a very lonely night for me; no one will talk to me. D: So, you're the first to hear this, potentially. My mum has found out that, FOR ONE THING, my dad's Gmail account has been accessed from a completely unknown computer. We're not entirely sure what this means, but it REALLY doesn't normally happen. FOR ANOTHER THING, dad has been sort of.. stealing money out of the joint bank account (the only account my mum has access to), and claiming he needed it for a train ticket. That's odd, because we have a perfectly working car, and dad's the only one who's actually allowed to drive it. Now, both of these can easily be explained away by coincidence, but dad has also been acting.. generally MEANER lately. Like he's taking out his anger on us. The last time he did that, he was cheating. Okay, I suppose I'll wrap this up with one last response to a point of yours. I'm a strange person to please; aside from the basic human needs, to keep myself happy, I need company. Of course, I can perfectly well act as my own company from time to time, but that doesn't happen unless I'm already happy. I have loads of theories on how to cheer myself up, but the one surefire way is to know that I'm not hated, and/or to know I just made someone happy (and not at the expense of anyone else). Unfortunately, that's damn near impossible in this current situation, so I focus on either finding an online friend with whom to talk, or listening to music/watching a film/playing some Rock Band. Of course, having mentioned the "basic human needs," I regretfully admit, and this is because of my having been abused (psychologically, I've been abused and neglected all throughout my life, actually o_o; I'll talk about that another time), but I need a little bit more reassurance than the average person might. I need
DJay32 Joined: Nov 21, '10 Status: New User	2010-12-13 18:27:22
	Aaand what do you know, more violence. >_< We were cleaning up my room-- mum and I-- rather quietly. Not talking to each other. Then, next thing I know, mum's grabbing me, slamming my head into the wall again and again, slapping me, and then strangling me. >___< I later overheard her talking to my brother, saying how she was about to kill me. Adam responded with "That would have been too good for him." .__. What do I keep doing to piss people off?! D: I need to know so I can stop doing it! ..so I've got to get out of here. I have got to. Mum was trying to KILL me. I don't think it's wise to put off calling the cops for much longer.
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