I've been looking for a place like this..

TheEnd Joined: Nov 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-18 23:04:59
	If you take the time to read this, thank you for helping me. -No real names in this- In high school right now, I have to take a health class. We just finished the "Metal/Emotional Health" unit, and it really made me think.. Recently, my relationship ended with my girlfriend of 4 months. It seems that the people I'm interested in always have some sort of insecurity/thought process dealing with depression. The last two relationships I've had, (this one, and one from 9th grade) have been with girls who would cut/smoke/drink/etc. My most recent breakup has hit me the hardest. I don't have many close, (best)friends that I can talk with about everything. Actually, I have two. My ex and another friend I have had since 8th grade. I think that I am pushing them farther away everyday. Me and my ex agreed that we should stay (best)friends, because of how much we trust each other and how we can really relate to each other. My ex did performances as an actor for the halftime shows during football games. She had one of the lead roles, and the other lead role was with a guy named Dean. They were friends, and grew closer with the practices. The thing is, he only wanted to hookup with her. When me and my ex started dating, he became extremely mean to her, since he couldn't get what he wanted. She was always depressed about this. Now that we've broken up, they've started talking again. She told me the first thing he said was, "Now that your done with that guy, this is the perfect time for a hookup." She snapped at that point. She doesn't care about anything now. She doesn't feel that she's worth being treated nicely/having friends and so she agreed to doing that with him. He offered to get her high so she would do more. Before this point in my life, I never felt as much hatred as I do now. I hate him, and others who have tried doing similar things to her. We were talking about all of this today, and I was incredibly angry. She told me not to worry about it and that if I do anything to him, she will not remain friends with me anymore. Now the problem I have is that I'm not trying to push my two friends away. It's almost like I don't want to "share" people, and so when they go off and have fun with others, I get overprotective and mean. Yesterday, I did a little cutting. Not much, but enough for it to be noticeable. I'm so afraid of being alone. Without her or my other friend, I'll have no one. It's extremely scary. I want someone to love and be loved by. That's all that keeps me going. I _want_ to be happy. But without anyone, I can't. What's wrong with me? If you've read to this point, thank you for reading my pathetic story. There's more, but if you do take the time to get here, we could email/chat and go from there. I need someone. Thank you.
purplerain Joined: Jun 3, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-11-18 23:12:43
	Hello your in high scchool, drama happens. My daUGHTER WAS SEEING A LOSER BUT she finally found someone that made her happy, your young stick it out I'm on my third marriage so I know what it is like trying to meet the right person they are out there and they will love you , don't rush things!
TheEnd Joined: Nov 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-18 23:19:01
	I know, but that's easier said than done..
psychoanAlice Joined: Oct 19, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-11-19 09:48:53
	google pema chodron 6 types of loneliness.
TheEnd Joined: Nov 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-19 21:45:27
	I just did... out of what I think I recognized in my life is: Doubt Jealousy Laziness Loneliness meh.
purplerain Joined: Jun 3, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-11-19 21:50:37
	it will get better and change your name to the beginning look for that rainbow you will find your pot of gold, it is out there with your name on it!
TheEnd Joined: Nov 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-19 21:56:28
	I want it to get better.. It's all so difficult. I've been thinking more and more about drugs/cutting. I have two cuts on my arm right now.. They aren't too bad though.
purplerain Joined: Jun 3, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-11-19 22:01:23
	Well if you believe in Jesus pray and read your bible, believe me I know how hard life can be and get but he died on the cross for our sins and he loves you I don't even know you and I love u too for we are all God's creation and brothers and sisters in the Lords eyes. Read a book, listen to some music you like, play farmville, get your parents to seek counseling for you can you talk to your mom?
purplerain Joined: Jun 3, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-11-19 22:06:31
	Well don't cut yourself and make scars, your too special of a person to do that, that right person will come along just give it time. I've got to get off here but i will be on later and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts keep your chin up, you deserve the best in life
TheEnd Joined: Nov 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-19 22:10:33
	:/ sadly my experiences with religion have done nothing but made me feel worse.. is that weird? I've never really been into religion throughout my life.. And yeah, I've been listening to/playing A LOT of music :D I love it. As for my parents.. well I'm sort of afraid to mention anything about it with them because I had mentioned cutting before (as something people do, not myself personally) and my mom would be all like "What's with that?! Doesn't make any sense to me." and she goes off from there..
TheEnd Joined: Nov 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-19 22:11:45
	And thank you for all of the support. It's nice to know someone cares. :)
MissedConnection Joined: Nov 20, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-20 02:03:20
	I'm sorry you feel like you're "out of control", atleast that's what I feel like you are feeling. Controlling the pain by cutting because of the pain you feel from the rejection. It's hard to let go of someone and it's harder when you see someone you care about make poor choices. If you can, try using all that "energy and care" you have for this girl towards yourself. You can't control what your two friends do but you can control what you do with your life. You can't make someone love you back but how wonderful to know that you, yourself, are such a loving person.
TheEnd Joined: Nov 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-20 09:51:21
	I know. And that's the thing, I _want_ to control it, and I want to be able to help her.. or at least keep her as a friend. Before this year, I wouldn't share ANYTHING about myself that was slightly personal with anyone. With her, I felt safe from judgement and I opened up.. I didn't realize how good it felt to talk about everything with someone after not having done so for 15 years.
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