I'm afraid to be alone

kyrie411 Joined: Sep 23, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-23 12:04:25
	I'm w/my man for almost 3yrs and I feel like its been a lie, i'm use to it to a point that everything i do he have to be there, but when he was to go out or away for afew days, my life just feel incomplete, im so jealous b/c he cheated in the past & there's time i want him to leave but then the idea of it just makes me feel so depressed. I always feel like he cheats when he'd been ok and i have 2new born babies i feel trapped and i no longer happy i cry for no reason, i think of him cheating and it gets me so angry that it gets physical making him want to leave then wen he's leaving i feel bad for accusing him and idk what to do any more. sometimes i feel hatred towards him & sometimes i feel in love.
kyrie411 Joined: Sep 23, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-23 12:15:24
	can any one help me. i feel like im goin crazy, i dont have friends watsoeva, i feel afraid of friendship b/c im a fraid to get hurt, i love my kids but i feel like they wud b much better w/o me. i do everything i gotta do for them. but if get upset i jus want to go away and never come bac, i wanna die at times so badly, i cut myself b4, i rather be dead then feel alone. im out of shape and i look at myself b4 in pics i was so confident now i feel so fat disgusting ugly i go out and see other females and the way they look i always ask my husband if he desire someone skinnier then me and if im too ugly. i feel so down, depressed, and i no longer enjoy anything. i cud sit all day and sleep and stay up all nite. my life have no meaning watsoeva beside my kids.
deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-09-23 14:42:57
	Kyrie411: are the baby blues making it any worse? I'd recommend a therapist right away as with the physical abuse and the importance of your baby well as yourself and your husband I think think it would be good to be proactive. Are you nursing your baby, because their are several antidepressants that could hep you. Antidepressants require patience though because It is hard to tell which ones will help with a given person. I like l-Trypophan in my practice because of the relativly high success rate and also because it is natural. Also, to do the seriousness of the situation a good psychiatric hospital is worth considering. Eventually learning really good relaxation techniques would be good. I mean really good ones not run off the mill...as eventually you can actually learn to shift your mood, or even your pulse rate if you want to get fancy. Is their anyone helping you with the baby? Nothing like a break and some sleep to help your mood. Also sounds like you need company (other grownups or to get out a bit. If it heps remember they aren't babies forever :)
kyrie411 Joined: Sep 23, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-23 16:36:12
	I have two babies, my mom helps me with my 18moths old daughter, and yea im nursing my son. i have an appointment so see a professional next week. I am afraid of the psychiatric hospital. I wouldn't dare to tell a psychiatrist what i'done to myself. And yes the postpartum depression is affecting me so much more. I want a social life, but where i live is just older people. And I want to go out but my self_esteem is so low that when i decide to go out i end up feeling worse.i need someone i could speak to. No husband doesnt help at all, cause he has his temper as well, and he doesnt understand me. he just sit there and calls me names, like psycho etc. and hurts me so much so it just makes me feel more down.
deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-09-23 18:09:51
	Kyrie411: I don't know how old your youngest baby is but can you get out with a stroller/double stroller and walk fast or jog behind it? If you go far enough the natural endorphin high will help your mood for several hours plus you may feel good about excersising. Remember your beautiful and worthwhile :) Everyone gains weight after having a baby :) Sorry about your husband cheating :( Will he go to couples therapy with you? ...although I think you need your own therapist as well. Have you considered going back to work at some point? Staying home is great, but it sounds like you could use some adults in your life and maybe it would help your self esteem. Just a possible thought. Also if things can't be worked out with your husband is their a relative you would feel comfortable living with?
kyrie411 Joined: Sep 23, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-24 09:24:32
	My son is 7wks old. The stroller I do have one. But If you was to live I do, i think u wouldnt even look at the window cause is so dead over here. I moved from a big city to this small town. And my mother is around, but honestly im better off leaving away from them, they are too dramatic, i dont feel comfortable living her and my siblings. Yeah the most part is that with me feeling this way and all, he tells me that he feel like im cheating on him b/c of how id been acting so cold and distant. Little does he knows that I'm just so depressed & I don't know how to tell him b/c he always tend to make it seem like it just my hormones. I sit down and realize that I got married too young + kids. I miss being independent and imiss my old life but idk how to go back to it, i feel like iim trapped w/my kids. they need me is not their fault, but no1 thinks of me specially my husband that should b my friend .. he just f---s w/my head making me feel more angry at the fact that im 22 yrs old living a 30yrs old life. Every time i talk about going back to work, he wouldmake a big deal sayin i have to stay home w/the kids. He makes me feel like a bad mother b/c i want to go back to having a social life. Meanwhile he would go to visit his mom to another state and i stay home.
ireland Joined: May 1, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-09-24 09:46:33
	Kyrie411-You cry because you are unhappy with your man/husband/father of your child/the one you love.Let yourself cry and wail at the top of your voice if you have to and can do this.Bearing in mind what the neighbours may think of it,lol.x You will be in a diferent place if you choose to do it on your own with the children,any new experience is hard and I dont know of any book that helps you to prepare for being an independant parent.x
deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-09-24 10:21:34
	kyrie411: sounds like your husband want's all the benefits of being married and very few of the responsibilities. A man needs to be faithful to a women and treat her well emotionally if he expects to be intament with her. Any guy should know this. He should not be able to tell you to stay at home. Sure, to some degree couples make this desision together, but with this situation is saying to me you could use a break from him and the kids and reclaim your self esteem. If he is not physically abusive I'd consider ignoring him and making your own decisions in this matter. The more I hear the more I wonder if your going to be able to have a healthy relationship with this guy. I hope so as some of the details are sketchy. I hope he is not trying to isolate you to a degree and get his way. Regardless if you are seroiusly sucidal and/or depressed, if it would help to work or get out then you need to take care of yourself. If you are stable you will be a better mother. My favorite thing do do when my daughter was very young was to work part time or go to school part time. It gave me some grownup time, but I still had a lot of time with my daughter. Good babysitting can be hard to swing. Maybe a class in the evening, when someone is off work and can help. Maybe a grandma (not necessarily your mother) in the neighborhood that would be up to watching the babies for a few hours? Perhaps just a good family caregiver and then you can go back to work.
kyrie411 Joined: Sep 23, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-24 22:33:24
	I miss school alot, the thought of going back makes me happy. He encourages me to go back to school, because he knows how much it means to me. I feel like they not the problem I have a problem. I dont know how to start fixing my issues. I'm jealous. He tries to make me happy, he doesnt like arguing. I fight over anything b/c im fed up w/ everything. And even though he changed and proves me wrong, once the trust is gone... is gone. Its hard to rely in that person again. I want to be happy, but happiness w/ him just seems impossible, because I'm always going to feel like he's cheating. My self steem is rly bad because the person he did me wrong w/ is extremely ugly compare to me. And i feel like any1 out there is good enough for him in t hat matter cause she's nothing compare to me physically emotionally etc... it affected me to apoint of no return. and now me having kids feel like i can't walk away from this relationship at all b/c my kids need their father. He is so good to them, specially my daughter who's crazy w/him. I miss having someone bring me roses for no reason. To tell me i'm beautiful, to tell me they care and they love. Not just with words... w/actions. I miss feeling wanted, i feel the only time he shows me that type of affection is when he wants to get intimate w/me. And even at that is not good at all cause he always finish b/4 i do. my life is a disaster.
deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-09-24 22:45:21
	kyrie441: It must be hard to be with a man that cheated on you much less have children with him :( As far as the bed room issue and the roses issue getting really excited and happy when he brings you roses or touches you in the right way (as in be obvious moan loudly "wow I love that may help. But idk it's not a easy subject to broach with a guy...but I'd stick to positive reinforcement lol. My favorite oh wow it turns me on when you bring me roses - total aphrodisiac. Must be hard to feel romantic when you don't trust him though :(
deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-09-24 22:47:25
	kyrie411: what do want to study in school?
kyrie411 Joined: Sep 23, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-24 22:54:07
	Im on my 3rd yr mejoring biology w/ a minor in criminal psychology. Do you have another way of talking, messenger etc..?
kyrie411 Joined: Sep 23, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-24 22:56:15
	Yes it is difficult to be sexual w/a man that cheated. Specially when you want to feel good about it, and you think about what happened
deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-09-24 23:06:54
	kyrie411: ya messenger or face book. what works for you?
kyrie411 Joined: Sep 23, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-24 23:09:03
	messenqer
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