Ill and losing my relateshonship with my daughter

deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-07 14:11:42
	Hi, I have fibromyalgia and have tried to raise my daughter on my own but unfortunately now something else is wrong with me and went into Kidney failure this spring. I finally had to let friends from church raise my teenage daughter but I miss her terribly and am trying to hang on to hope both for my health and my relationship with my daughter. My daughter was frightened to leave me (I wasn't well enough to even make it down the stairs for water and wasn't expected to pull out of kidney failure, unfortunately she over heard part of a will discussion) but was also frightened of staying with me. Her grades were dropping and she was started hanging out with the wrong crowd..a lot of them were on drugs. So I sent her somewhere that could take better care of her and watch her closer. She decided she wanted to go as well. I felt it would be good to try to plan visits when I felt the best and do positive activities with her. Even if it is just laying down and watching a movie with her. Soon after she left she didn't want to visit anymore. When she does come she tends to be rude and insults even my neighbor who sometimes cooks a meal for the group of us..My neighbors are great people and have been like grandparents to my daughter for years. My daughter puts a lot of pressure on the new family about not visiting me once a week, and she pressures them about seeing her friends who are on drugs. She asked to move back in with me and told me she was worried about me, but she changed her mind as soon as the dad where she was staying with gave in to let her spend more time hanging with questionable friends. I know she is a teenager and her friends are what is important right now...but I feel so hurt and helpless that she won't take even a couple of phone calls a week from me. I keep the phone calls short and positive even when I'm really sick and try to let her just talk about whatever she wants. I feel frightened I will never have a decent relationship with her again. She has been gone for six months. Our relationship got somewhat better but then I had to "be the bad guy" after she pressured the family into hanging out with the wrong kids again. She can be hard to live with when she doesn't get her way and is really good at turning even adults against each other. She is the only kid I know that accused her kindergarten teacher of sexual assault the first day of kindergarten and almost started a state investigation! It is so hard being the "bad guy" with her I would be so much happier and calmer if I had a relationship with her but would never forgive myself if she ended up on drugs because I miss her so much. The final blow has been when even the church family dad she stays with say I haven't been a good mother and she is not my priority. Not sure how he came to that conclusion..obviously I sent her to them because I couldn't get out of bed and cook several meals a day. They say she hasn't accused me of anything. They said they want another adult monitoring our visits so we wouldn't fight, but my neighbors and friends talked to them and backed me up that she is the one that screams at me I just try to take her i pod away or some other privalage. The church dad also thinks I am to strict with her and need to approach her differently..but I don't get that either. Sometimes he has not let me see her even at their house and acts like he is protecting her. He was very angry when I called the police when she ran away from me once. I live in a small town and the police know the drill... return the teen to the parents and act very official about it so the teens realize not going to work to run away especially as they might run somewhere dangerous. Thanks for listening and would welcome any thoughts or advice :) p.s. for anyone listening to my sad situation who has dependency disorder and stays with abusive mates as I have done because it is so scary to be alone please be warned that when you have a child in the picture no amount of therapy will fix the damage to the kid...I stopped seeing abusive men when my daughter was 10 but It was already too late. All the damage really "comes out" when they are teens. Also, my situation would have been much easier if I had a child with a man who was stable.
1_schizo_grl Joined: Mar 15, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-09-07 14:17:44
	Try to have someone get your daughter to a therapist. She may be exhibiting anti-social behavior. You also need someone to help you, as well. A mother cannot do everything. Take care of yourself, as well. Good luck. :)
deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-07 15:28:05
	Thanks 1 schizo grl. I will try...she tends to stonewall therapists and they just release her from therapy after a while. Perhaps she will talk to the therapist if the therapist has influence over the decisions in her life? Only idea I've got anyway. Sorry my first post was so long everyone.
Shia Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-09 06:57:57
	hmm, personally, i would probably give her a few examples of whats waiting for her down the road she's going, but i don't think its a good idea to follow tactics i would use unless u re pretty cold, evil and manipulative ^^ while those methods do work, they only work when you are experienced in influencing ppl's mind. i think i d better not go any deeper into this because chances are anything i could say 'll only make it worse xp about therapists... they're probably a bad idea, you do have a very few good ones but.. 90% of all therapists are not up to dealing with people who are aware of what they re trying to do, and not exactly willing to let them succeed. I can usually tell the difference betweencapable and non-capable fairly quick, but i can't pick one for you xp also, friends who may be questionable to you aren't nesscesarily 'bad' friends, i ve known quite a few guys i respect and could make a girl happy that you would describe as 'questionable'.. you might want to try & get to know them before you judge them, that would be extremely difficult probably since your daughter d be against it, and they wouldn't trust you. also, letting her succeed at turning adults against eachother or get away easily with manipulating a situation, she 'll turn out a pretty evil b---- who knows she can get the advantage by toying with ppl's emotions. (so, she'd be pretty much like me, wich isn't nesscesarily negative for her, but most certainly for her victims xp. Also, if she doesn't realize herself for what she's become she's likely going to make herself real unhappy ^^) P.S. don't do anything rash upon what i just wrote, bad idea.
Shia Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-09 07:01:05
	"also, friends who may be questionable to you aren't nesscesarily 'bad' friends, i ve known quite a few guys i respect and could make a girl happy that you would describe as 'questionable'.." "respect" as in : i recognise their worth for what it is, not exactly like i m going to say they 're all that good either. But they re definitely Not worthless people (some are tho)
ireland Joined: May 1, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-09-09 14:43:34
	I would let her come home to you and leave the church and religion out of it. Did you say you are dying from your illness/disability? If you have faith,keep it but dont pressure your daughter with it,all she has is the reality. x
deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-09 18:58:55
	Thanks Shia and Ireland, Ireland: the family from church is the only ones who are offering to take my daughter in that are reasonably competent... ya I don't believe in thumping people in the head with the bible either. As for me passing away was a good possibility this January-February. I was in the beginning of kidney failure with other organs following...but I'm happy to report a holistic Dr. was recommended to me and I'm doing better. Still fairly ruff going but if I get better I'm going to be one grateful human being. I'm actually pretty happy to just be here :) Shia....thanks for your thoughts. Yes I worry about the manipulating. Last time she made a false accusation was about 4 years ago (she's 15 now), I kept her home for two weeks (luckily school was out) and told her I expected the truth and got her to write it on paper as well as tell the truth to the other person that heard it. Finally, she recanted and told me the truth but it took awhile. I also made her write apology letter. The man she accused could have lost his security clearance and his job. I think she manipulates people when she feels highly stressed or threatened. Even back in kindergarten the teacher told me a lot of the kids were pretty stressed the first week. Weird I never thought kindergarten was stressful. Probably easy for her to manipulate too because she watched her Dad do it. Ya, I also wondered about a therapist being able to handle her...I figure better pick one carefully. As far as hanging out with questionable kids...what really worried me is most of them had a history of drug abuse and were a few years older then her. Today I found out she wants to join the Rugby team so hopefully that will be more productive and healthy way to get out her aggression. She played before and they have a great coach. She also is in a School Without Walls program this year and hopefully will do better. She is gifted but gets bored and distracted as well as lacking motivation. Somehow too authority freaks her out. I think that is part of why they recommended her. I hoping she might respond to a fairly stable environment. I've been pretty sick most her life. She manipulates the family where she is at but given the fact that they are new to her and never raised a teen they could be doing much worse...respect for my position as a mom aside. That's kind of why she wanted to come home. They were setting limits. Every once in a while she pulls something major and I have to get in the middle it pisses she family she is staying with off. ...partially because the dad doesn't respect me for whatever reason but partially because he and his wife are working very hard to take care of her and when I occasionally get in the middle they have a lot of heat to deal with from my daughter...and she applies the heat so well. Not sure they are completely aware of that consciously. Kind of hard for anyone to admit they have been duped by a kid. Eventually, though the dad puts a lot of pressure back on my daughter to get her to have reasonably responsible decent behavior...if it wasn't so stressful it would be kind of funny to watch. He is a PHD that is used to getting his ideas across. He works at one of the national laboratories. A lot of the PHD's will argue with each other, insult each others ideas (not even sure they realize they are insulting each other so bad?) until they get support and funding for their ideas. Kind of like an intellectual foot ball fight. Perhaps in some ways my daughter has met her match lol...especially sense their are several adults working on her. Would be even better if she could be completely blocked from dividing them but I guess I can't have everything. Shia if you have any other ideas on handling her let me know :) Sounds like you are pretty familiar with her behavior.
Shia Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-09 19:28:43
	"Sounds like you are pretty familiar with her behavior. " you could say that.. her social circumstance is very different from any i ve ever been in (i grew up alone & in a ghetto), but the way she behaves and use of the 'divide and conquer' technique on everyone she sees as a 'threat' to her independence is exactly what i would do.. (and yes, anyone who would try to impose any form of restriction on me will be perceived as such a threat right away - i do it consciously Now, but i did it long before i realized doing it) what to do about it tho, is the question, noone ever did bother to try to change me in any way (logically - since i was my own parent) one teacher suspected me of being manipulative / weird at a certain time in highschool, i was around 16 back then. As soon as he found out i was actually living by myself i turned totally hostile on him tho. (you don't want to know what i did, but its bad enough for even me to feel uncomfortable with it xp) i only brought up the issue with that teacher to give a little warning tho - if she truly is similar to me, Don't drive her into a corner, when cornered, things can get real ugly..) the difference is probably that i mainly turned criminals against eachother to make them forget about me, she turns the people that raise her against eachother to get her way xp
Shia Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-09 19:33:35
	one more thing is : don't act like you know her, even if you think you do. 1. you probably don't, you wouldn't believe how many things i kept secret even from myself, let alone others.. 2. there's only 1 thng that would piss me off more than someone pretending to know me, and thats someone that Actually knows me xp she isn't me though, keep that in mind as well :-) merely providing you with some information on the issues where she might seem similar.
Shia Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-09 19:54:32
	all i really said were things Not to do though ^^ xp lol, its pretty interesting so i ll take some time to ponder how to handle some1 similar to myself lol with the adult version of me it 'd probably be hopeless from the start, but if she isn't yet conscious about it all herself, i suppose there should be a way to 'help her' (or make her normal - whatever you wish to call it really) i personally wouldn't want to turn out any other way than i did xp
deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: New User	2010-09-09 20:34:49
	Shia thanks again for your thoughts... makes sense about what you say about the threat thing...maybe the common thread is both of your environments were threatening, unpredictable with no one competent raise you in sight. I was incompetent due to health and abusive men obviously being stronger than me...things were pretty good for her until another man besides her Dad was in the picture at age 7 because before that her dad only directed crap at me. She was beloved by both of us...but her dad did strange crap like telling my daughter to keep and eye on me and reporting back to him. She also watched him scream at me a lot and play not to bright manipulative games..he was more transparent. She however was a good little kid and behaved pretty good. I was in a lot better health and took her all kinds of cool places and cooked her pancakes all the time...we had a lot of fun together and I didn't have to worry much about her...she knew how to handle herself with people and places. You could tell she was taking everything in and pondering it. Socially in some ways I think she could out think everyone around her including her Dad even by a very young age. Kindergarten was really the only event that stood out as a problem with her behavior. But after a week in kindergarten she was fine. The next guy I lived with comes in the picture and destroys her world. He pulls nasty crap like refusing to feed the kids at all (several meals in a row) or giving the ones he's happy with extra food. He was also a idiot because my daughter being the oldest girl tried to help with the younger two boys (his kids)and she was good at managing them too..but he went after her insanely for helping manage the out of control boys. The boys would turn against her too basically tattling but being from the ghetto you probably know that when a older child sneaks you food when your very hungry the last thing you do is rat out the hand that fed you but the little boys didn't get that maybe because they were the favorites. At about 8 years of age she gave up and started hiding in her bedroom and not coming out. I got her a cat to help her and she started coming out again. The a--hole man I was threatened to kill the cat several times and then killed it. After the jerk face was in her life my daughter finally told me saying "I love you to anyone is a weakness" or "I'm sorry" also weak. She stopped showing much true affection at all except to pets or kids. She does a lot of what you describe...she doesn't want to tell me anything about her self even what music she likes or what kind of birthday party or gift she wants...I kind of get that's her way of controlling things while also keeping people out and not attaching or something but I don't claim to completely get it. As a matter of fact the tone of what you describe in right on the nose. Thanks again for your post:)
deblwk Joined: Sep 7, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-09-13 14:50:08
	I saw my daughter yesterday and she was nice. We had a meal and she talked to me relatively nicely. She wanted to leave early for a Rugby meeting but with a little encouragement she decided to come see me tonight and watch a movie :) I should call the newspaper or something. He He He
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