16 year old with problems

morbidxserenity Joined: Apr 21, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-21 00:39:45
	Hi everyone. =] My name is Bri and I am sixteen years old. I've been to five different high-schools and I am only a sophomore. I go to a new school thinking I will be okay, freak out because I have no one to depend on, and leave the school. I am currently in home school and I only have two friends who I hardly ever see. My dad and I think the same way.. we over analyze everything to the point where it makes us sick. My dad is the sort of person that wants to do everything himself because he does not trust anyone else. I am the opposite, and I am dependent on people to make decisions for me and to do things for me, because I do not trust myself to do things right. I am so nervous with things, because I am afraid of failure. I have yet to get a job, but I am dreading it. I have only been kissed once, and I have never had a boyfriend or any other relationships. I was friends with this guy who would call me daily multiple times and text me constantly. I depended on him, and one day he was sick of me and just stopped talking to me. I did not eat or leave my room for weeks. I became bulimic in 7th grade after my friends introduced me to eating disorders. I still have trouble with it, but I know the only reason I started it was for attention. It was a good excuse to switch schools, and a good explanation for my depressive upsets. Whenever I go into class, just for an hour, I clench my teeth and just look down at my paper. I am so afraid of people, it is insane. I am just so afraid that they will judge me. I am always thinking that people are thinking negatively of me. Some people that get to know me say that they thought I was self-centered and a b**ch because I am always so to myself. I exercise for hours everyday, and while exercising I have these imaginary day dreams of where I am loved and I love myself. Sometimes, they boost my mood and I almost believe they are real. I want to do great things in my life, but I do not feel adequate. People tell me that I am really smart, or beautiful, or whatever but I do not believe them. No one has said a negative thing about me since elementary school, but I have enough negative things to say about myself. I hate everything about me. I wish I had confidence in myself, but I do not. Also, with some people who provoke me to be angry I will never show I am angry. Although, with this one person, I am always angry with her and saying horrible things to her. She believes she has Borderline personality disorder, so maybe it has something to do with that? I also feel the need to lie. I do not do it on purpose, but I automatically lie about stupid little things. It is usually when someone asks me a question that I find stupid. Sometimes, after I tell a lie, I believe it to be the truth. I would rather be alone than with the company of others, in fear that I might say something wrong, but I also need that one person there to set me in the right direction and "okay" my every action. Also, I can not handle criticism. I flip out and take it personally. If someone says I do something wrong, I take it as them calling me a failure. Another thing is that as of lately I am having a really hard time concentrating. I will try to do my work but I will eventually get hooked on something else. Sometimes, if I focus hard enough, I will get lost in the work and I will do it without even really focusing on it. I go into lala land basically, but I am doing the work correctly. Also, if I say something mean to someone, it makes me feel numb. I do it to numb my feelings, and I try and believe that the other person was un-effected, even if they were. Whenever I am PMSing, I get extremely suicidal. Also, I get PMS like symptoms even when I am not PMSing. My mood fluctuates a lot. I have a hard time explaining myself to people. I know what I am thinking in my head, but once I try to voice it, I sound retarded. I can not put my thoughts into words. Anyone in a similar situation?
ulquiorra Joined: Aug 4, '09 Status: New User	2010-04-21 08:46:11
	i know very well what you meen with the daydreams. and i just gone true a phase where i didnt have anyone to depend on all i thought about was what is she doing now. and all ppl say was LIES and i was deprest when i went to work everyday "practical work" it was soo hard. but my situation is alitle difrent. well the thing i did when i started feeling like dependent. was that i wrote list of things i wantet in life and how to get them. but i gueess what you want most is someone to depend on. you could try to get someone to try to exercise with you. or like ask what there going to do in the weekend. and if its somthimes you sudenly like one week you can ask if you can join and you rly like it etc. i know about overanalzing things. well you can read my storie its not like yours tho. hope i was some help.
morbidxserenity Joined: Apr 21, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-21 12:53:17
	I went through the same phase. I also made a list like that! It seems to help a lot and keep me motivated to work on my goals. Thank you for the suggestions. :) They were helpful. I could not find your story -- where is it?
ulquiorra Joined: Aug 4, '09 Status: New User	2010-04-21 14:01:12
	it should be on the dependent forum you should also be abel to cick on my user name ulquiorra. headline is. am i extremly dependent? its alot to read tho. and im glad to see that you liked what i had to say :)
Freckleforce01 Joined: Apr 22, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-22 19:26:31
	You have no idea how much i relate to you. I am constantly thinking that people are looking at me and saying things about me behind my back that are hurtful. I'm very over weight, which adds to my problems. I dream up of these worlds where i'm popular, funny, and beautiful and I feel like it in a way, gives me something to hold on to. I can't even look people in the eye because I'm so afraid that they will see into me and know my fears. But the worst part of everything is that I sometimes feel like the pain isn't worth it anymore and that I wouldn't be missed if I was gone. When I have those thoughts I feel selfish. We should talk, I think we could help each other. Plus, were both 16.
morbidxserenity Joined: Apr 21, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-22 19:30:36
	I feel the same way. My email is whenxstarsxfall -at- hotmail -dot- com If you ever need to talk. =)
Freckleforce01 Joined: Apr 22, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-22 19:32:33
	Just sent something to the email.
morbidxserenity Joined: Apr 21, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-22 19:34:36
	I just sent something back. :D
SnowBeloved Joined: May 31, '10 Status: New User	2010-05-31 22:32:27
	I'm somewhat the same. But I've used Art, Music and of course love as a source of dependence. I lie everyday, even to my parents. It's the only way I survive. I've attempted sucide 3 times, and I'm usually suicidal/ depressed especially in Winter. I'm 16 as well. XD
InWonderland Joined: Jun 4, '10 Status: New User	2010-06-04 19:11:18
	Wow. Everything you write is related to me. I'm also 16, and I always let my sister make decisions for me because I don't trust myself. I'm a loner, and I don't really talk much because when I try to say stuff, it doesn't really make sense. What I say is opposite of what I think. I'm always in my la-la land, cause that's the only place where I feel safe. It's insane. It's depressing.
morbidxserenity Joined: Apr 21, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-06-10 02:55:08
	Snowbeloved- That's actually a positive thing to depend on, because you know that arts and music wont abandon you, like people do. As for the lying, so do I.. although I usually only lie about the small insignificant things. They just come out automatically, and they give me a rush of adrenaline. Please keep living.. Do you have seasonal depression? Maybe you need to be put on medication, if you are not already. Feel free to email me if you're ever feeling down.
morbidxserenity Joined: Apr 21, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-06-10 02:56:02
	-I've been thinking of suicidal a lot lately, and it would be nice to talk to someone about it. =] InWonderland- Yay for loners. :P I usually stay quiet in fear of saying something stupid, too. I feel as if my brain is not connected to my mouth, and sometimes I just blurt things out, while in my brain I'm thinking, "That's not right..." It takes me a while to organize my thoughts, and even then they still come out wrong. I agree with the whole "I only feel safe in lala land".. that me EXACTLY.
noah Joined: Jun 11, '10 Status: New User	2010-06-11 09:18:47
	i havent been diagnosed yet but, i can really relate to a lot of the feelings being said on here. somtimes im afraid to make friends or meet new people because they might not like me. when im out around others, i get "panicky" and before i know it, im freaking out inside, trying to hide the fact that im " not all there". ive been with my boyfriend for a year and it hasnt been easy communicating with him. what kills me is that he's such a good person to me, and i feel like ill never be good enough for him, and maybe he should just leave me so it will spare me the pain later. im afraid because my first boyfriend left me and he was quite abusive at times. my previous relationship is still affecting me after 3 years. im afraid my boyfriend is going to leave me too, and for some reason, i feel like i deserve it. others tell me im beautiful but when i look in the mirror, all i see is a demon, waiting for it's next move to pull me down further untill i finally die. it scares the hell outta me. i always feel as if death is" sneaking up on me" and it causes really paranoid feelings and anxiety. when im in a social situation, i tend to stay far away, ESPECIALLY if its negative. im always scared ill see someone from my past, like my ex and his new girlfriend and his baby. i cant even walk on the same side of the street as someone else without crossing. does anyone else feel this way???
morbidxserenity Joined: Apr 21, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-06-12 00:32:52
	Noah- I have not been diagnosed yet, either. I actually never had an actual boyfriend for the same reason.. If someone gets too close, I attempt to push them away in fear of rejection later on. It sounds like your boyfriend really likes you, though. If you have been together for a year, he must like you enough to stick around. :P Try not to compare him to your last boyfriend or anything like that, just look forward and try to make the most of things. If he leaves you, don't make it out to be your fault. That was my BIGGEST mistake.. all that means is that the two of you weren't meant to be. :) I'm very anxious and paranoid when it comes to people, so I know how that feels. I don't like exercising in public because I'm afraid people watch me, haha.
Misunderstood J Joined: Oct 24, '10 Status: New User	2010-10-24 14:15:14
	i can relate to everything that you're saying. I tend to feel unappreciated some times, i don't express my feelings because i think no one cares, I think that my whole life is a mistake, I wish i was dead, however haven't tried to comitt suicide. I look in the mirrow and see nothing near beautiful, therefore i'm often in my lala land where i can be whoever i want. The opposite of the world. ...
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