A poem I wrote about losing my wife to BPD, Page 4

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Thread Topic: A poem I wrote about losing my wife to BPD

elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-01-02 20:15:03
	hi sean, sorry about making u feel over-dramatic about the trigger thing..well i was upset with myself yesterday, i really was. so your concerns were not over-reacting. n you gave us lots of info regarding the trigger thing, n helped understand more, especially with what erinro was going thru..so thanks n no, u were not over-reacting. chooses a 5'2" gnome over 6'5" martial artist? i can see how insecure she is... the compliment things maybe the other way round for your case..but the problem with her, just the same with me is insecurity. erinro, thanks a lot for sharing that 8 criterias of masochistic personality disorder. wow..the more i enter this forum, the more i understand myself. i have all 8.. for example no 5 :5 rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying himself or herself (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure) --i was with my husband, all the way from when he was in a very difficult time, unemployed,having nothing, i helped him through, buying him motorbike so that it'll be easier for him commute, then car, shared all my earnings in any way that cud make him, supportive towards his idea to migrate to give us a better life, helped with all documentations for it, assisted him financially...just everything i cud to make him successful and happy. but when it came the time for me to acknowledge my hard work, time for me to enjoy my life with him, as he has become successful in this new country,i have no more hard works to do for him, it's was his turn to make me happy, i self-sabotage and refused to go to him. i rejected the opportunity for pleasure he was offering. i was reluctant to acknowlegde enjoyinh myself. how cud i? why would i? this is damn sad. but lucky for me, my husband never forgets all my efforts towards making him successful n happy. apart from the reason he loves me, this is another reason why he can't leave me though i have done so much damage to him.
Anon User Joined: Dec 29, '09 Status: New User	2010-01-02 20:20:23
	Elisa, I know how you can make it up to him; love him and let him love you, forever. :)
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-01-02 20:25:05
	thanks, sean. it's just i wanted to tell u guys how much i am amazed to know the real truth a pet called mental illness that was inside me all this while n coming to this forum has helped me understand why i did all these. it's a sad but true story. thanks, sean, erinro and everyone else who has given so much info in this forum..
Anon User Joined: Dec 29, '09 Status: New User	2010-01-02 20:36:45
	I got an idea, lets all help eachother, cool? hey, if you go on photobucket and search for srbutler75 and go to my profile, there's a few pictures of us. Send us good thoughts, pray for us.
erinro Joined: Nov 13, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-01-02 20:41:51
	Thanks Elisafauzana! It's great to read your posts on here and know that other people are surviving, helps me be strong too. And, yeah, about that disorder, I so completely do a lot of these things! Like number 3 - if I get recognition for something, or if a stressor in my life is eliminated, I have to rush in and do something to convince the person recognizing me that I am not worthy of the recognition. It's mostly unconscious - I do it, and then am like w.t.f. did I just do that for??? IMO maybe you should read the article that I recommended to Sean as well.. It kind of partly reminds me of you. Basically argues that an abused child develops two 'phases' of its personality, one which is completely attached (utterly self-sacrificing) and one which is completely self-protecting. The utterly self-sacrificing one develops because the child wants to remain attached to its caregiver and finds that any self-protective responses meet with extreme disapproval so it learns to internalize its anger and aggression. I don't know about you but I find that I understand how to either be a doormat in order to keep someone happy, OR protect myself but in an overly aggressive way, but I don't understand how to be attached and protect myself at the same time.. Thanks for the encouragement, Sean. =) I certainly don't feel like I'm kicking ass, and it may be too late, but all one can do is try... And yes, let's.. =0) Good idea!
erinro Joined: Nov 13, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-01-02 20:42:39
	I also like the fact that this whole conversation started with a poem.
Anon User Joined: Dec 29, '09 Status: New User	2010-01-02 20:47:03
	You're above ground = Not too late
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-01-02 20:57:50
	i just saw yur pics in photobucket, sean. u guys look gorgeous..so perfect together. i will pray for u, sean. n yeah, the idea's cool. we'll keep in touch n help in other.
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-01-02 20:59:00
	sorry, i meant help each other.
erinro Joined: Nov 13, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-01-02 21:02:21
	OMG she totally looks like Jessica rabbit!
Anon User Joined: Dec 29, '09 Status: Junior User	2010-01-03 18:03:40
	There's something important I should tell you. Over the past few days I've had this fantasy that if she read all this; all I had written, your responses, the information contained here, the insight; that it might bring a ray of light in for her - she might see some things she hadn't seen. It might open up a door for communication. This was naive, and I knew that, but hope is like that. I txtd her and asked her to read it, gave her the link. I didn't hear back and I asked again for her to please read it. She responded tonight - she said that she had read it and that it was one sided and leading. She said to please leave her alone. I didn't feel upset. I felt something like closure. I got to say here all the things I never got to say to her about how I've experienced this whole thing. It had all been kinda packed in me. I got it out, and she read it. So now she knows. The fact that it had little to no impact on her is not suprising - it's disappointing but not suprising. But in a sense it doesn't matter - she knows now what I went through. Also, if after reading my poem, all that I wrote, all that you all have written; she feels nothing, sees nothing, and is only able to defend, then there's no hope for us. If I read something like that that she wrote - even if it pissed me off and I felt it was one sided, it would still hit me at least to a point where my response would be very very different. She's gone to me. I feel now like I may finally be able to let her go. I'll close with a silly little poem I wrote about a week after she left me. Cause You're Gone There's a cat lay'n on the bed Looking overfed There's a couch with room for two And I built that just for you There's a flame burning on the sill But you don't come home still There's a pile of dreams we once had Now they're looking pretty sad 'Cause you're gone Gone to yourself And everybody else Gone to this world Cause now you're your own girl Yes you're gone And the whole room waits The couch, the cat, the cups and plates And me There's a bottle of Cabernet But not nearly enough to drink you away
LethalAmbrosia Joined: Jan 29, '10 Status: New User	2010-01-29 07:07:49
	Awww so sweet to write such poems for b----es like us(with bpd)lol Ok this reminds me NOT to get married,or serious,just to spare people like you of such creative effort.
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