i'm in denial but i know there is something wrong with me

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Thread Topic: i'm in denial but i know there is something wrong with me

stephie Joined: Oct 15, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-19 08:37:50
	I've suffered from emotional problems since a very young age i am now 26 and still suffering. I think im getting there slowly though. I go to theropy but for me it seems to stir a lot up. My emotions are all over the place. I hear voices and see people too. i have got use to this but it is stii something i have to live with. Does anyone else we BPD suffer from this as i don't know anyone else who has. I can't control my emotions why? is it just apart of me or will it ever just dissapear. Eah day is a struugle but i just see it as my moods. It's hard to explain. My mam controls me at times but then she can be soooo loving. I thinkeverything is my fault. I don't deserve anything. I'm still new to this whole site. but it is kind of helping me to. To see how many sufferes there are. Any advice? thank you.xxxx
Fatality Joined: Jul 14, '09 Status: Senior User	2009-10-19 08:51:36
	Perhaps, out of this entire site, you and this you have described is the one thing i relate too most. I hear a voice in my head too, all day every day, but i only remember experiencing this the past three months. Like you i've had a history of problems (since ~6, now 16). I have no answers to any of your questions, i haven't seeked any help from anyone about it, but i write this just to tell you theres at least two of us :)
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-19 08:54:58
	i think i know what is causing u these feelings...it's your mum. my mum, like yours, sounds to be good at manipulating, making unfair arrangement to make me live with her. i know she damn hell controls me but she make me guilty each time i try to break away, showering me with all her sooooo loving stuff.as bpd, i am confused all time n can't decide what i want, leaving me having difficulty in handling her and the emotions she causes. i am 33 now, and have finally completely break away from her and i feel a lot fine now. don't wait too long like me.
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-19 09:29:09
	n the hearing voice thing..it's not a symptom of borderline personality disorder(BPD) but i think it's a symptom of dissociative identity disorder (DID). it's called auditory hallucinations of personalities inside the mind.
nicotine_fiend Joined: Oct 2, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-19 18:20:01
	stephie, this also describes me to a tee and i am about the same age as you (about to be 26). except i don't know if this is the same for you, but i am just starting to break down and crack and it has been a long time coming. and i think because i've had a lot of emotions bottled up inside of me for so long, i'm going from never showing real emotion to showing every single emotion in the spectrum. ok and the voices, because i am a very solitary person for the most part. i like to think of myself as an iceberg. you can only see like a very small percentage of me on the surface, and the rest of the time i live inside my head. its hard to explain. i usually drive and get lost in my head and go into like a catatonic state. its a miracle i haven't gotten into a car accident because i am always on autopilot. but one thing i am proud of myself for is my impeccable driving skills in copilot mode. hah, joke. and so anyways, getting back to the point, i see people and hear people sometimes, but its in my mind. like, i will have conversations with people but i know when i'm driving i'm not actually seeing these people on the road. the rest of the time i just have conversations with myself but the conversations are so vivid and its like hours later and i've driven to god only knows where and i look at the clock and its a few hours later. anyways, like i said, i'm starting to break down now and my parents, as loving and by my side as they are, they are so consumed with their own lives to notice that mine is falling apart. although, they have suggested a councilor. i used to cut when i was a teenager but i stopped when i was 19 or 20 and was good until about a month ago, but in this past month i have realized that i really need to start seeing a councilor to help me with whatever it is i suffer from.
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-19 18:58:21
	nicotine friend, i consider myself as iceberg too. people can't understand me as i never show who i am. then when things push me too hard, i change from never show real emotion to showing every single emotion, making everybody, especially my husband, confused, and he would ask, y u never tell me all this before? y u never discuss anything with me? n the driving thing too happens to me. God knows how many times i'll be driving n driving, thinking something,then get lost or loose concerntration where i am supposed to go, what am i supposed to do..i find it difficult for me to focus n tend to forget things beyond normal forgetfulness.
stephie Joined: Oct 15, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-23 09:09:52
	thanks guys for all your support, I can relate again to all of you. i'm always forgetting things. I know what you mean about my mam though she has a hold on me cos i'm helping pay the rent. I'm quite good at hiding my true emotions. Went to my CPN today and she thinks i also have bipolar. I never feel level. I think anyone who has these issues shold seek help cos we just want to lead normal lives.i hope you are all ok. big hug.xx
fantasy Joined: Jul 28, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-23 12:45:49
	Agree with what people said, except hearing voices in your head or seeing things that aren't there are usually considered major symptoms of schizophrenia, you might want to look into that. But I know how hard it can be getting through day by day and how terrible it feels inside and I havent found a solution yet but never give up!
Fatality Joined: Jul 14, '09 Status: Senior User	2009-10-23 13:09:59
	If the voice manifests itself as a whole personality, where the you-you is "unconscious" and you have memory problems during this period, it's DID. If the voice is just in your head talking from time to mine, like mine, its more schizophrenic. Though it is possible to have it and have neither DID or schizophrenia. I think. I'm not entirely sure on anything i have just said.
stephie Joined: Oct 15, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-24 02:54:52
	thats ok. apparently my CPN thinks that you can hear voices when you get really depressed so maybe thats what causes them to come and go. there is help out there its just getting the right kind and i'm starting to realise that slowly now. But i have no trust in my psychatrist. He just sees things as black and white. im feeling ok today just very tired. hope you are all a little better.xx
AussieGal Joined: Oct 24, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-24 05:55:45
	I had a look at this site because I was bored and did a personality test. I feel really sad that there are people out there that feel this way. I often feel there is something wrong, sometimes suicidal thoughts ease the pain of the day. But there is also a part inside me that knows that is not the answer and that I need to be stronger and look at the good in everyone and be grateful for everything that I have. There are so many people out there that have less and are content in their lives. Reading these comments, I understand it may help others to know that there are others that feel the same way, but at the same time, it bothers me to think you may get caught further in the spiral of it. I wish you all the very best. Dont cut... dont think suicidal thoughts anymore. Take a deep breath and smile. It takes 21 days to form a habit. make the habit a good one.... and if it really is that bad guys, seek help. seek some real help. we're only here once.... make it worth while. Dont be on your death bed one day and wish that you had done things different. The only one that can control your life is YOU. I wish you love and happiness. Life is a gift. Enjoy it. x
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2009-10-24 06:37:31
	that was a good piece of advise, aussiegal. it is so true that we are here once only..must make it worth..we are aware of it..but these negative feelings just hit our head n we have to struggle hard to overcome it...and it happens almost everyday..despite knowing which is good n which is bad...it just pops out.. n these feelings are real... well, since i know i have this disorder n that i am not alone into this through this forum, i rather feel stronger n clearer. I do not feel i am caught further in the spiral.. never... i just find myself addicted to this forum because it makes me feel good, learn more about this bpd, share feelings with real people with these real feelings as me and be there for each other to listen n to advise. all of us desire to be happy. one of the rule to be happy is by counting the blessings. acknowledge them or lose them. see the sunshine and not the shadow. all of us are struggling everyday to be happy, to overcome these negative feelings. but something is just bothering us. some issues need to resolved before we can fully recover. but identifying n fixing the issue is not that easy. till then, we will be caught in this complexity. and this forum here is helping us to get out of it, slowly.
stephie Joined: Oct 15, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-24 06:58:06
	good avice elisa and aussiegal. I try eachday to overcome this but it sooo difficult. I feel so guiltyabout why i cant be happy. It's hard. I wish i could change but at times something in your brain just explodes and it is hard to escape these immense feelings. it's hard to explain if you have never been there, i guess. It's an emotional deffiency. I feel mor strong since speaking to u guys and getting some good advice thank you.xx
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2009-10-24 07:46:59
	exactly, it's an emotional deficiency. Linehan (incase u've never read about this, just to share..) that bpds has tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress, on less provocation and take longer coming down. in addition, they were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves n their environments were continually devalued n invalidated. these factors combine to create adults who are uncertain of the truth of own feelings. so here we are trying to figure out what we are n what we want, why this happens to me?, why can't i decide?, why did i react the way i reacted? why did i do the things i did?..and the questions goes on... then inable to find solutions and answers, we go into self-harming or doing all the impulsive acts as a immidiate relief or immidiate rescue... until we find the underlying issue n fix (which is kinda dificult) it or a rescuer comes to rescue us...we are caught in this complexity...
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2009-10-24 08:02:09
	just to add... finding the underlying cause n fixing it or the rescuer comes rescue us does not completely takes us out of the feelings.. there will still be some, inevitable feelings..but feels lot better than those times before that... also reading a lot about this bpd and good motivational books like "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle and "The 10 Rules of Happiness" by Mridula Agarwal n of course, reading posts in this forum helps a lot...
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