I need help, I can't quit. I don't know if I even want to...

Periculum Joined: Oct 13, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-13 06:27:11
	I've never attempted to go to the internet for assistance. But I am out of attempts. I need somewhere to vent, where people are like me. So far, I think this might work. To tell a bit about myself, I am a writer so naturally I will be in touch with my emotions. I'm also a skilled artist, so I should be able to express those emotions. I am intelligent, but often I feel stupid for not being able to solve myself yet I can figure any puzzle. I'm notorious in my family for being the suicidal one, which others find hard to see why because I have "so much potential" and would be a valuable asset to society. I am not young, but not old. Still despite my age I do things a young teen would do experimenting, while I do it to forget. The most typical of things, harm myself by any means such as scratching myself to ribbons, cutting myself deep enough and wide enough to leave nerve endings shot(hence why parts of skin have lost since of touch on my body), drink so I don't remember half my day. Excessively use medication, mine or others to fall asleep or replace anything I can't do because I do not have the means or people have started to notice my latest damage. Bruises because I'm used to baring them on my body from a past relationship I live in fear of seeing again but still I take a hammer to my own hand just to remember. Most would say cope with my problems and unleash them through hobbies. But when I stare at a blank piece of paper or empty canvas. There is no inspiration. I lack the ability to channel it through. Others tell me to only dig deeper into myself, but my whole life feels like I've been piling over the actual problem for years. I have things people would love, a good mind,a giving heart, decent father, and a family. But it's sickening when I am the only one who sees behind the closed door of a mother who is choking her daughter verbally and mentally because she has been "damned by demons" or has "faulty wiring in her mind" since as far as my memory will take me. My sisters are fine, and I don't envy them for their success. I just wish deeply I could bring it out in me to stop wishing every time I was sick that the doctor would tell me it's fatal. I want to put the bottles down. I want to be able to not craft my own suicide at any point and time in the day. I've reached out, but was screamed at by my mother telling me I'm playing a game, or it's the demons talking. But when yell back and ask if my tears look fake, if my pleads for the first time to her in years sound like demonic lies she goes quiet and walks away. I am not religious, her extremes make me repulsed by it because I know what I am and what I am not. I just do not understand why and wish I did. I have a bottle of Jack Daniels and 2,000mg worth of my medication. It's Tuesday, October 13, 2009 at 8:26AM. And I need opinions.
Owlie Joined: Oct 6, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-13 12:11:39
	I cant say anything, and i would be the biggest hypocrite if i tell you not to take the tablets. i od, probably 2 or 3 times a week, not to kill myself but to numb and forget, i have tried to kill myself but the doctors have managed to save me. It is the worst feeling in the world to feel alone, trust me i know, i have people around me that care, and yet i cannot tell anyone how i feel, i always pretend im ok. are you in the uk or usa? i cannot get my doctors to believe me, they havent heard of BPD. I have been reading books to try and understand the illness, it is making it easier to know why i do the things i do. you need help, have you spoke to your doctor? or call the samartians they may be able to give you some advice. You must love your child, and i bet you would love to watch him/her grow up, if you didnt feel like this. so dont give up, look into it, im not saying it will be easy, im struggling so much, i od, drink alcohol, cut, scratch but just try and stay alive just one more day, buy one book, read it and see what you think. it is going to be tough, im not denying that, but it is worth the fight, i promise xxx
New2This Joined: Oct 8, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-13 17:29:22
	Well, I have BPD and I can't say I've never mentioned suicide, but I spent so much time trying to get better that I never tried to do it and now that I"m older and got better I never would. I'm glad I didn't. Life as a borderline can be hard, but there is help. DBT therapy is awesome. Look it up on the internet. It takes hard work, but it REALLY helps your relationships. Let me give some advice. Cut your toxic relationship with your mom. If you are old enough move out and limit contact. She sounds mentally ill herself (we DO inherit stuff) and she is making you feel badly about yourself. And you, being a bpder, can't just take her with a grain of salt. She is wounding you. You are giving her way too much power over you, but you don't know how NOT to do that yet. Please don't feel your life is worthless. I was told too that I'm a terrible person. I'm sorry it took me until I was 40 to realize that it doesn't matter if my mother, my brother, my sister or my kissing cousins think I"m this or that. First off, they have their own issues. Secondly, they don't KNOW who I am. They judged me strictly by the times I acted out because of my illness and as I got better, they couldn't see it. I tried to make amends to my mother and she wouldn't accept them. Actually, she did as many bad things to me as she claims I did to her and never apologized. When she died, we hadn't seen each other for ten years and she didn't leave me anything. So be it. My sister is probably also a borderline, although she can hide it better from others, but not from me. I cut ties when she tried to come between me and my father, the one person in my family who has always been there for me. I have a brother with issues too who thinks I'm bad. Let him. He lives in NJ and I'm in WI and I have a hub and beautiful kids and he's alone. Let him think what he wants. There are a few really good books on DBT, and some great psychologists who know how to treat borderlines. You don't need the booze and the pills. You need a good psychologist to help empower you and teach you how to deal with the extreme fear of abandonment, the rages, the suicide attempts, the cutting (I don't recall if you cut--that's one thing I never did!) and the flip-flopping emotions. Borderline, according to my psychologist, is going to get a new name: Emotional Dysregulation Disorder because that's really what it is. It's a serious disorder, but it can be treated. Please be good to yourself. I know that, like all borderlines, you probably think "I don't deserve it" but you do. You ARE a good person with an illness that actually can get a lot better. Keep us posted :)
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-13 21:43:16
	Dear Periculum, I strongly agree with New2This. Please cut the toxic relationship with your mom. I am 33. When i was 26, i couldn't stand my mother and with my boyfriend's help(now my husband)i left my mother as she was making me ill mentally and emotionally. she never let me or other siblings decide what we want in our life. she force us to be dependant on her. everything in our life must go through her and needs her approval, or else, "u are dead, mentally and emotionally". we eloped and was having a happy married life until my mother returned to my life when our son was 5 months old. she made me feel guilty and regret of my decision of leaving her and marrying my husband. she pushed me back into the "indecision all the time lady and i will decide everything for u" state. just recently, about 6 months back, i have once again left my mother, again with my husband's help, and this time, it is going to be eternity. whether she dies or die, i will never come back to her. i feel a lot better withour having her around me. i can decide better, i feel happy and i am functioning well as a employee, as a mother, as a wife and as a person wholly. when i was with my mother, i felt i am a total idiot, worthless, helpless and depend on her to make decisions for me. believe me, periculum, if u want happiness, the first step to take is to cut off your toxic relationship with your mother. New2This and i had gone through this and sincerely we are better off without the so called mother good luck, periculum
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-14 00:29:13
	and periculum, as much as people around u don't understand y u do this as u have "so much potential" and a valuable asset to the society, people around me do feel that too, as i am pharmacist with having fairly enough knowledge and skills to make me function well and contribute all i can to the society. but most of the time, i will feel empty, worthless, lack of self confidence, no goals of life, uncertain of what i want and what i have, do all the stupid impulsive things as binge eating, overdosing sleeping pills n pain killers, overspending and the list goes on. and like u, despite my age, i tend to do what people of younger age than me will do. i avoid my peer group as i find them far more mature than i am, successful and have goals in their lives, while i just wander helplessly without knowing what i am and what i want. the demon thing..what a coincidence..my mother says that too. she would say that my husband used black magic on me to seduce me and make me fall in love with him and that i am damned by demons because of him. Just like New2This, my family judges me strictly as i acted out due to my illness. they call me the problematic, terrible, selfish person. they make me feel guilty all the time. i used to care what my mother, sister n especially my little brother (as i was quite close to him) would think and say about me. but i guess, by now, at age of 33, i have stopped caring about it. because finally what matters is what i want in my life because it is my life, not theirs and nobody knows me better than myself. i am accountable for what i do to myself. what others think of me??...can throw into the trash. periculum, like i have mentioned in my previous post, the first step i wud advise u to do is bout yur mother. secondly, u need a therapist to talk to or just a friend who can understand u to talk to. if u can't find a friend out there, real people having real feelings like u do in this forum cud help u feel better n act better. and knowledge about this bpd, good books cud help u too. it works for me. i hope it will work for u too.
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-14 19:13:26
	by the way, where r u from, periculum?
stephie Joined: Oct 15, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-15 18:47:56
	hello. i've just read your story and i really feel for you. I am a BPD sufferer but i can't except it. I was getting treatment called the STEPPS programme. I just cant do it anymore. I just see myself as having mood swings like anyone else in the world. I decided to discharge myself from my mental health team as i felt i was getting nowhere. I also cut and od, and like you i am very artistic. In the way i express myself through music. Why is this happening everything just goes blank. I feel i wanted to discharge myself for the fear of them doing it the fear of rejection.Even though i have this and there are others i feel alone, scared and hiding behind the real me. im covering up today how i really feel. Im hypo and then down. is a nightmare im living we are all living. Please try and help yourself. we will find a way out of this.xx
hopscotch Joined: Sep 8, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-16 05:55:52
	hey i agree with new2this and elisa, really just leave your mother and try to find someone to talk to. and make sure it is someone who will understand, cuz some people will just overreact. trust me, most of my friends and family think that cutting is really bad, and tho it is, they dont understand that bpd is an actual disorder and you cant just stop being who you are. i know what you mean with the canvas and writing block, im arty and an alright writer when i get inspiration, maybe you could paint/ write about yourself and bpd, to educate others? or do some finger painting.. its really soothing and fun:P take care and hang in there :)
Need to see a psychologist? Find reviews on the best doctors in your area at Angie's List (Get access to thousands of reviews for a small charge)

Copyright 2012, all rights reserved. View our Privacy Policy | Advertise With Us
DISCLAIMER: These forums are not a substitute for evaluation by a medical professional. By using these forums you agree to hold 4degreez.com unaccountable for anything posted by other visitors. There is no endorsement made nor vetting done on any content posted by a visitor. This service is presented as-is with no warrantees; use at your own risk.