BPD????

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Thread Topic: BPD????

SufferingStill Joined: Oct 5, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-05 14:52:04
	I am a 50 year old twice, divorced (well truthfully, still married to my second husband and in a terrible relationship with the man I left my second husband for). I came upon this sight by googling abandonment disorder. I can honestly say I have never even heard of BPD until today. I have been to couseling to no avail. I trust nobody. I look at the beginning of any relationship and also know the end will come. I snoop. I don't lie or steal. I feel unloved and inadequate. I feel alone and empty inside. I have no goals. I sometimes lay in bed, only to get up if I have to. I cry myself to sleep more nights than just fall asleep. I feel as if no one understands me or cares to understand. I keep myself at at distance, always ready to retalliate if I feel threathened. Does anyone have any advice to offer me?
fantasy Joined: Jul 28, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-05 20:35:13
	I'm in no position to offer advice to others. I'm only 17, haven't found an answer to my suffering either. You probably think that I'm too young to have experienced anything, and maybe that's true, I don't know, but I have known loneliness, desolation, frustration, guilt, desperation in my own way. All I can say is that you're not alone in your misery. Most of us here are alone, depressed, suicidal, ruined countless relationships basically suffer in some way or other. Sorry I wasn't much help, but at least you don't have think you have to suffer alone..
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-05 22:07:58
	hi SufferingStill.. it is quite unfortunate for us to have discovered the existence of BPD at this age. U at 50 and i at 33. but still it is better to have known about it from wondering all our lives why all these things that have already happenned, happens to us?? believe me, i feel exactly what u feel i trust nobody. i feel empty all the time. i cannot tolerate boredom. i am indecision all the time and let people around me decide for me and blame them when things go wrong. i almost left my husband of seven years without any reason.i only see beginning of a relationship, never want to keep it for eternity, will be ever ready to leave others with having fear that they will abandon me, which is insane as nobody ever have attempted to leave me, including my husband. i constantly feel suspicious and highly suggestible and gullible. i have all the impulsive behaviours. Binge eating, excessive spending,reckless driving, risky sex, stealing(used to when i was a teenager, now no more) and the list goes. i avoid my peer group and only become friends with juniors. i feel a complete freak with peer group as most of them are successful in their lives and relationships and have goals, while i just wander around, not knowing what i want in my life. was i help for u? did i sound like u? if no, i am sorry. if yes, reply to me.
SufferingStill Joined: Oct 5, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-06 01:51:38
	Hi elisafauzana: Yes, you sound alot like me. Although I have not seen anybody again this time, I began looking for anything on abandonment issues. That's what my biggest fear is, and it is in ever single waking moment of my life. I look for something wrong, and if I don't find it, I conjure it up and my mind and the accusations start. I used to be a heavy drinker in my late 20's and early 30's. I still drink,(just not heavy and not everyday) and then all hell breaks loose. I accuse, I scream, I break things...I become so enraged that I scare myself. And I direct all my anger at the man I love. I bring up the complete "laundry list" as he calls it of every discretion or wrong he has done in the past six years, whether they all actually happened or not. I just can't seem to let go. Then when he threathens to leave, I go crazy again and then cry for days on end. I crawl in a hole and don't want to answer the phone, eat or breathe. I just want to be left alone...the one thing that scares me the most...I do to myself. Perhaps, this time, I've finally pushed him away for good. In the end, it will only prove to me that I am not worthy of staying with. You did help. Thanks for taking the time to write. It's 4am and I think I've slept about 4 hours in two days, so reading and writing to you has helped.
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-06 18:25:12
	hi sufferingstill, i am glad to know that i've been a help to u. i can truly understand how u are feeling. i had a "laundry list" too, i brought up all his petty mistakes in our 7 years of life while getting lost in the bigger actual picture of how we actually compliment and asked for divorce for no valid reason. he was confused and sad because he doesn't understand what i actually wanted and he really loves me that he can't divorce me. he cried and begged me to stay with him. he was advising and begging me for 2 years before finally he decided to let me go just because to make me happy, after attempting every single possible way to make fulfil my wishes and demands. and when he was finally ready to let me go, i asked him not to. this is completely insane.lucky for me, he accepted me back and never bring up the matter of how much damage and sadness i have caused to him. he just wants me because he loves me. i always feel i'm not worth to stay with. i always feel i am a complete loser and freak, when my husband adores me for the good things i had done for him and our family. this is crazy. i need reassurance all the time. when u say, u have pushed him away this time, sorry if i am wrong, do u mean that he has left u? if u ever feel like chatting, do so at yahoo messenger, user id:elisafauzanabpd or send email to elisafauzanabpdyahoocom i know u are suffering and struggling as much as i am everyday single day. talking to fellow bpds does help. i enter this forum almost everyday. feel free to talk to me anytime
liongirl29 Joined: Oct 6, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-06 22:56:50
	OMG!! This all sounds so much like me. I happened to wander into some info on BPD because I have had an unofficial diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder for the past three years and the treatments are not helping or causing horrible side effects. I keep trying to explain to them how I feel, but the docs just believe that I'm in denial. I'm not in denial, obviously I've known for awhile that something is going on. I am 100% positive I am BPD. What do I do about this? I live in a very rural area and have crap insurance; they don't have specialists for this kind of thing out here. I have a 3 year old and I don't want her to end up like me by imitating my behavior. God, we're all in the same boat. SUX!!!
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-12 07:09:37
	hi liongirl29, does this bpd affects yur life like, have u or are u going thru terrible experience due to this? well, of course the best is to see psychiatrist, get d actual diagnosis n get treatment. but as long as it doesn't affect yur life, just by knowing u r having this bpd, u can cope living with it. of course. i'm not the best person to advise on this, as i am not seeing a psychiatrist n not under treatment n wud like to do so, but just knowing i am having this, helps me to understand why i behaved the way i behaved in the past n make me become more careful in life so that i don't do mistakes again,hopefully. of course i am guilty for all the mess i created, but atleast i can reason out why i did it, instead of feeling evil n stupid all life long.
ab081374 Joined: Oct 20, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-20 08:32:37
	OMG I am reading all these post and can relate to one or everything that they say. I too am very distant and cold and have fantasy thoughts that I just come up with about my fiance. I have accused him of everything one could. I have all these thoughts that continuosly run through my mind and I end up making myself belive them even when there is no proof that they are true. The substance abuse takes over sometimes. Its the only time that I feel "numb" and dont have to deal with any of the other feelings that I have or problems. My mother is a huge part of the reason that I am the way I am. I have 2 children 13/5 and dont want them to have to deal with my issues like I did with both of my parents. My dad has been diagnosed with biolar, and multiple personalities for almost 30 years and my mom suffers from severe depression disorder. My brother suffers from something but he refuses to get help and stays in denial. I on the other hand want help sometimes then sometimes I think its all in my head and the meds they give me arent working so I stop taking them. I want to be normal but I just dont think thats in my deck of cards. Thanks for listening! It feels good to get some of this out.
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