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crazygirl
Joined: Aug 1, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-01 06:54:41 |
| I'm 19 and I've been depressed my whole life. I cut for different reasons. Sometimes to punish others. But they don't see it anyway. I started because I was so angry I had to do something! I mean if it's between cutting and killing myself? I used to get scared of the blood. Now I don't. But I can't cut deep. I want to but I cant. And that makes me feel worse. That I even fail at that. And I get addicted and just do it even when I feel nothing and don't need to. | |
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Unanswered Thread: VRIELLIS PLEASE READ posted by Synapse 13 days ago |
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Blankness
Joined: Aug 4, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-04 08:32:05 |
| I would cut because i hurt others and deserved to feel the pain i made them feel. it also released endorphins after so you feel a calm sense of being,it takes away that need to be punished | |
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thebleeding
Joined: Aug 4, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-04 14:48:25 |
| ive been cutting since i was 12. i started off with just light scratches, but over the years, its gotten worse. at age 14, i cut from my wrist up to my elbow. i cut so deep on one, that it wouldnt stop bleeding, and i didnt wanna tell my parents, so i took thick black thread and a sewing needle and i sewed it shut myself. id cut my shoulders, my leg, my stomach. i loved seeing how deep i could get. within the past year, before i would cut, i would crush, melt, and mainline morphine pills to dull my pain receptors, and then id just go at it on my arm. i could barely feel it. the cutting wasnt enough for me. i would take salt and pour it on my cuts, and id take safety pins and stick them through the skin on my arms, and through my lips and nose. i pierced my eyebrow and back of my wrist with a .14g needle. i was addicted to alcohol, morphine and methamphetamines for a while, and i would smoke pot daily, and i went to treatment late january and got out the end of april. ill be 18 this friday. :] | |
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thebleeding
Joined: Aug 4, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-04 14:57:50 |
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also, i started cutting when my grandpa died. my whole family stopped talking to each other, and we stopped spending time together for a while. its JUST starting to get better. in later years, i would do it when i was angry or sad, for the calming feeling of the endorphins. i would cut, pierce myself, and punch walls. punching the walls when i was angry sent an instant wave of endorphins all over my body, and it calmed me down to the point where i would collapse and just sit there until the endorphins wore off. then i found morphine. i don't cut as bad anymore, and its been about 6 weeks for me. sometimes i wanna cut, but my mom is starting to tease me about it and say s--- like "do we need to hide the razorblades again?" and it just eggs me on. earlier today, she pissed me off, and i never usually say anything to her when she pisses me off, i just bottle it up, but my little brother was trying to talk to her and she was ignoring him and i said "she's not gonna talk, cuz she's too busy b----ing about us." and i went downstairs and sat in my bathroom to try to calm myself down, but it didnt work. i didnt wanna cut cuz itd just make her tease me worse. i punched the wall. my hand is messed up again, my pinky knuckle is swelled up again, i hit the spot where the knuckle is disintegrated, and i gotta stop punching s---, cuz im an artist, and i depend on my hands to get me farther in my career. i gotta learn to control this. ive tried putting on a front and hiding it, but today, even when i was smiling, i was fighting back tears. i need to find a new outlet. |
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Fatality
Joined: Jul 14, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-08-04 15:04:11 |
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Don't punch the walls, theres too few good artists out there, don't eliminate yourself from those few :( And happy birthday for friday :D |
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shawna
Joined: Aug 7, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-07 15:58:40 |
| i cut mostly because i get so angry about something i cant calm down...but with a snap of your finger i slice something open and im clamed..other times i do it just becasue i feel like i need to be punished for something i did or didnt do...sometimes i cut just to see the blood run down my arm or leg..its like a ephoric rush...i too. have scars up and down mt left arm...im right handed...most are bad scars from cuts..but also have cigarete burns..12 to be exact...i hate the summer cause there more visable them..but its cool in the winter..but i cant seem to stop..its too calming...ive been doing ever sence i can remember i am 37 now..i had a fight with my sister and slashed up my leg just the other day...i cant control it all... | |
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shawna
Joined: Aug 7, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-07 16:04:22 |
| I think thats a big part of it...i "feel" so much i can barley breathe..and if i cut i can finally breathe..Btw i am treated for bi-polar, schozophrenia and borederline personality's.....i have an awful hard time..cutting is just so easy..i dont drugs or alchol..i just cut deep and im okay.... | |
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Hyarya
Joined: Aug 8, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-08 12:55:20 |
| I'm actually a bit of the opposite of Secondtare. I don't really cut myself, because I DON'T want people to see. But when I do, it's usually on the legs, 'cause then I can blame it on slipping with the razor while shaving. I also tend to scratch away the scabs of my scars. I guess I do all of this out of guilt for being sick, as I was diagnosed with depression more than three years ago. I know it's not borderline, but I do harm myself. About why I do it, it's like everybody else said. It is quite calming to see the blood and the pain run out of you. | |
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jmj
Joined: Aug 14, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-14 02:15:43 |
| its 3a.m, & its my first time writing, and ive tooken sooo much anxiety meds i cant keep my eyes open.. so ill try to keep it short. im 33, ive been a cutter since i was 13, on & off, depending on whats going on, whos in my life, but i have the tendacy to cover not cutting up w/ other thinks, like drinking, bulemia,anerexia,etc.. i havent cut in two years.. not because i didnt want to, ofcourse i thought about it.. but threats from my boyfriend & my loving family who stuck me in a psych ward two years ago & threatened to take away my children, well detoured me! only ive been a cutter basically my whole life, but now, well according to them, makes me crazy..sucidal.. a bad mother,etc.. but today, at 3a.m.. i cant find anyone i trust to talk to.. and god do i need help! ive tooken meds to the extreme to calm me as my eyes go hazy,heavy.. a blade across my stomach.. my fav spot where no one can see.. is stealing every thought from me.. all because a stupid man, i just wanna hurt someplace other than my heart | |
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Hip
Joined: Aug 10, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-14 09:39:27 |
| jmj, do the meds you take actually work? How do you rate the effectiveness? | |
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river_jthm
Joined: Aug 15, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-15 16:22:54 |
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Hi, I've been cutting since I was 15 or so. Back then, it was simply a way to release the pressure, it was like there was this huge black wave building above my head, it would get heavier and darker until it felt as though I couldn't breathe, so I'd cut, and then I could breathe again, the pressure was gone. I stopped at 18, started again at 22, and now, at 24, things are getting worse. When I was younger, I could at least pretend everything was okay, even if I felt like I was drowning, the one thing I didn't want was to stress out my parents. I wanted to cope on my own and not worry them. Now, I can't do that anymore. I'd love to be able to pretend it's all sunshine, but whatever I had that let me do that, it's not there. Now, I'm cutting the underside of my left wrist, underneath my festival wristbands. I was cutting 5 nights out of 7, but now I'm off work again, so less frequent. I've started scratching the backs of my hands and my forearms, then picking the scabs constantly. I'm getting worse. I am falling apart. |
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satkartarakasri
Joined: Aug 15, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-15 22:09:24 |
| I have a question. I cut and I was wondering if it had any long term affects. Cutting yourself makes your body release endorphins. Is it like drugs where when your older you won't have any? | |
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bpdgirl112
Joined: Aug 16, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-16 07:09:43 |
| satkartarakasri: | |
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bpdgirl112
Joined: Aug 16, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-16 07:17:03 |
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whoops! :P What I was going to say, satkartarakasri, is that I have been cutting for about six years. First off, I'll tell you I'm no doctor and I don't really know about the effects on the brain specifically, but hopefully I can help. I began cutting when my depression began, and since then it has turned into a habit that I practice whenever I feel I've done something wrong, or am undeserving, etc. I'm no therapist or anything, but from personal experience I would advise any cutter to get help as soon as possible. It may be difficult at first, but when you find the right therapist (or even someone you trust who you can talk to and will support you, etc) it can really help. It seems to me that the sooner you get help, the sooner you can begin to recover, and therefore the less likely it is that cutting will become a habit; like a drug. That said, it's never too late to get help! Stay strong, everyone, and good luck to you all |
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Cooper1994
Joined: Aug 17, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-17 08:12:53 |
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When I get angry, I get angry at others, and then I hate myself because I know they're nice people, so I turn the anger on myself, and then I have the need to punish myself, hence, the self harm. So, I do feel pain, but I feel more pain stubbing my toe in my natural state of mind. |
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Unanswered Thread: OCD Bracelet Fund Raiser posted by vbaz 34 days ago |
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