Borderline - Cutting Yourself

kjs Joined: Dec 2, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-12-28 19:45:13
	Thank you...thank you to Haart too..wherever you are...
kjs Joined: Dec 2, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-12-29 10:16:44
	Long walks are good for me....the post by "Kelly Clarkson" the song? Well...yes that speaks to me....Talked about faith last night? Well I beleive that God hates women...yep...I truly believe that to be true...women suffer far too much more than any man. Look at the world..the way women are treated all over....yes God hates women. So...long walks...clears my head.
KelliAnne Joined: Dec 30, '09 Status: New User	2009-12-30 22:02:04
	The physical pain drowns out the intensity of the emotional pain.
kjs Joined: Dec 2, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-12-31 06:49:18
	Did my worst cut job yet yesterday. Made it through the day at work. Up again this morning knowing I Have to face another day. Lonely.
gyomusician Joined: Jan 2, '10 Status: New User	2010-01-02 11:49:53
	I am 13 and I have been cutting for only two years now..I'm not really sure why I do it, but my friends have started catching on, due to the fact that I refused to swim or wear shorts over the summer. My legs and belly look like they were attacked by some sort of animal..I guess they sort of were, except the animal was just me. I don't know how to stop without making my friends worried...they've never dealt with anything like this before. I think I cut just to get relief from..everything. I was not ever abused, but my parents hold me to high standards I can never achieve. My sister is bright naturally, and I am always expected to live up to her...they don't understand that I am my own person, and they won't listen to me if I try to explain that to them. I feel like the only way to make them see me is by cutting, but I hide that from them too. I never want them to find out. However, since my friends are starting to suspect something, I'm afriad they will tell one of their parents, and then mine will be told...if they know I will be more of a disgrace to the family than I already am. I want to stop but there's just no way to...I need to release the pressure building up around me from my parents and all the drama at school.
lovexbug Joined: Jan 3, '10 Status: New User	2010-01-03 12:16:42
	i am fourteen i have cutting sessions every day i hate feeling this and i want to cut again but i am near my mom it wil kill her to know i do it im just sorta happy that people like you guys are here and you wont tell me to stop you kinda except me for me in everyway so i just am saying hi
lovexbug Joined: Jan 3, '10 Status: New User	2010-01-03 12:23:45
	kjs i agree. women do suffer more and have much more to go threw and deal with.
kjs Joined: Dec 2, '09 Status: Junior User	2010-01-04 07:51:28
	I am someone who goes through extreme mood swings...I am not bi-polar although I have not been to a doctor to know if I am for sure...I feel that my problems extend from an abusive marriage...abusive childhood..traumatic circumstanses that have shaped my personality. A week ago I was ready to take my life...then I dreamt my daughter was killed tragically in a car accident. The dream was so real..I woke in a panic attack but after I was calmed down I realized that the dream was a way for me to see that suicide would hurt my kids...Haart another user on this web-site told me this the night I wanted to end my life. It is true...suicide only hurts those left here to try to understand why...My cuts are healing again today....I am going to walk....walking is good for me...If I can stay busy I'll keep the razor where it belongs...and not use it on my arms and legs. Another day....
erinro Joined: Nov 13, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-01-04 10:47:47
	Hi kjs, just read all of your posts from the last few days. And, phew, am really sympathizing with you from the other side as I really let my mother 'have it' the other day and probably upset her quite a bit. But I am now realizing that (I think) my conscious anger at the 'rents has been covering up unconscious anger towards myself. Not that my anger at her was not real, but it's part of something bigger. And so that's what I wanted to say, is that maybe your kids aren't happy with their own lives and have to go through the stage of being angry at you. Many children blame their mothers rather than fathers for problems that they are suffering in their lives; I think it's part of a societal illness - we don't appreciate mothers and women enough. Oh, I have a problem? Where's the closest woman I can blame? My mother! If you are working 2 jobs then you are definitely not a 'failure' no matter what your kids say. I really b----ed out my mother the other day and instead of raging back at me the way she usually does she just listened, and was like "I'm glad that I now know your side of things" although I think she was really hurt. I just saw her today for lunch and for the first time in ages did not feel infuriated by her presence, was instead really glad to see her. When your children are feeling better about themselves they will redeem you in their own eyes; until then I say just try to keep doing what you are doing.. N good luck - the fact that this has thrown you so much means that you are a good mom IMO; you obviously love your kids - enough to stick around when they're sticking pins and needles into you; that's something to be proud of.. Man I am scared to have kids--they hold you to high standards!
erinro Joined: Nov 13, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-01-04 10:52:51
	And haart u are so damn wise
kjs Joined: Dec 2, '09 Status: Junior User	2010-01-04 13:49:06
	Erinro? I am putting Christmas away today...My children had told me right after halloween that they wouldn't be with me and so I had decided that there would be no decorations put out this year..then they told me the week after Thanksgiving they would be here with me..so out came the tree and all it's lights and ornaments..the snow man collection, the stuff...you know? Today though as it all went into the boxes I swore I wouldn't put it out again.."I hate Christmas" that's what I have been saying to myself all day long. I am tired..I need to see someone to help me...For a while this morning I thought about ending my life again....then the phone rings...my daughter..she is beautiful...I call her sweetness because it radiates from her most of the time..:) She called to say "I love you mama"...the thoughts of permanent sleep went away again.. put on the back burner to simmer until I can't take things anymore...My kids, they love me... I know this to be true....and me? They are everything to me..so Christmas goes back into the boxes and I suppose next year out it will come again....cycle....circle...seed time harvest...today..I am okay...one hour at a time...just one hour at a time...:)Be good to your mama, she loves you too...we are not given a manual to read to prepare us for parenting, we only do the best we can. Life sometimes just isn't what we thought it would be...but it never changes the fact that a mother's love is unconditional. You hold your child in your arms when they are born, as they grow you hold them on your lap and hug and kiss them goodnight,,then they they are grown and you hold them your heart and pray that God watches over them and blesses them more than he blessed you....yes, tell your mama you love her.
_undead_bleeder_ Joined: Jan 8, '10 Status: New User	2010-01-08 11:14:37
	for me, each cut represents a different reason why. every drop of blood is a reason. each scar shows that i was strong enough to make it through the obstacle, and that i was smart enough to stop where i did. that i didn't go any further than just making my arm bleed. every time i cut, it helps me know that im feeling something, that im not totally numb. as three days grace said, i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. and it helps me know that each drop of blood that falls is also the problem/reason falling away from me, getting out of me. it lightens the load. it's getting rid of it all.
Silent_Night Joined: Jan 8, '10 Status: New User	2010-01-08 12:32:19
	I cut myself to prove myself to me. When I cut myself, I feel like I am reassuring myself that I am strong, strong enough to endure the pain. Cutting myself also pleasureable, for me. I like the sharp bite of pain, like brandy or old champagne. About the tendancy to avoid pain, society is so screwed over that nothign is natural anymore xept Nature itself. I also like the fact that the scars look like sailor's stripes, or tiger stripes. It makes me feel strong...
SkaterWithOCD Joined: Jan 8, '10 Status: New User	2010-01-08 13:20:13
	I have just started cutting myself. Things at home and at school have not been going well and I just feel really down,Cuttting myself is my best way to let the pain caused by the rest of my life out. I use the metal bit of a sharpener and the little metal bits of razor mostly. I do it when I feel I need to and the size of the cuts really depend on how I am feeling. Even though I know it is bad to cut sometimes thier are no options left, I have tried talking to a councouller, friends and family but nothing help but cutting. I can't seem to be able to draw much blood, only a few drops each time, how and where do you cut to draw the most blood?
KEEPH0lDiNG0N Joined: Dec 18, '09 Status: Junior User	2010-01-08 21:25:40
	kjs: I can tell you are a very strong woman and you love your daughter very very much & your daughter loves you,she NEEDS you your her only mother.My mother is suicidal anger & depression run in my family VERY heavily my grandfather killed his self my uncle tried many times and finally got himself killed back in May over drugs & my cousin cuts herself and so on.But it hurts me alot it's hard have hearing my mom get so depressed both of us are borderline we both have to go thru counseling and take medication if my mom ever killed herself or if anything ever happened to her i know i'd have to end my life and your daughter needs to and you need her think about what her life would be like if you killed yourself do you really want to put her thru that? Think about her nexxt time you have those thoughts and think about how much she needs you and how much you really are loved.
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