Thread Topic: Borderline - Cutting Yourself
|
rainbows00
Joined: Oct 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-15 20:38:15 |
| i'm just sick of putting up a happy and fun front for all my friends. i just want to yell and kick and scream and cry and tell them that i hate myself and i want a new body | |
|
Unanswered Thread: Cyclothymia posted by Darkman33 14 minutes ago |
|
|
CCW
Joined: Sep 21, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-10-16 13:01:19 |
|
before I got my hands on a razors(thanks to my evil step mother) I "carved" myself just like you, rainbows00. usually with a needle or other thin objects, I even tried to open a vein by carving off my skin with a "no smoking" sign I found in a hotel. I'd like to do something but smiling and laughting too, but then someone is bound to care about me, and I don't have time for that. |
|
|
rainbows00
Joined: Oct 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-18 15:26:22 |
| CCW... wow you get it. no one else does. I just started to starve myself and it's not that bad... i know that side effects of serverly starving yourself.. like hair loss and stuff, so i'm going to eat occasionally, like today i had breakfeast and i don't plan on eating the rest of the day, and i went a whole 24 hours without eating, i was so proud and i just ate some soup and a small pizza yesterday so it's going okay. i NEED to become thinner or i don't think i will make the cheer team.. ugh. :[ | |
|
rainbows00
Joined: Oct 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-18 15:29:00 |
| and i don't tihnk i will ever use a razor, i think i'm too much of a baby. and when your doing sometihng like cutting/carving or starving,or both, you gotta be smart about it. i don't think i will use a razor beacuse of the scars. someone will find out easier. and what do you mean you don't have time for it? I just feel like people don't care about me.. like i'm always on the back burner. | |
|
babygurl815
Joined: Oct 18, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-18 20:00:40 |
| i cut because there is no other way to make the emotional pain go away. it builds up everywhere; every vein, every pore, until it just becomes too much to bear. cutting releases the pressure, it makes me focus on the physical pain and not the emotional. it distracts me from the chaos in my own head. | |
|
CCW
Joined: Sep 21, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-10-19 00:07:05 |
|
I don't have time for people to care about me because sooner or later they will ask questions, usually about why I am like I am. the answer lies in my younger years, and bringing back those memories makes me feel bad. I try to avoid feeling bad, and to do that, I have to avoid people who care about me. I wish I were in your position, rainbows. if it's true that no-one cares about you, that would equal to paradise for me. |
|
|
hopscotch
Joined: Sep 8, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-10-19 04:33:31 |
|
haha that woulda been funnys :P and im pretty accident prone so we shall just have to see who is the most before you say you are lol |
|
|
niklared
Joined: Oct 19, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-19 06:07:56 |
| I cut when I feel desperate. When something goes wrong and I can't breathe and I pace around wondering what to do and everything goes blurry. Next thing I know I have blood everywhere. And it all gets really calm. I can breathe ok, I'm not pacing. I'm just calm. So I clean myself up and find somewhere to hide so I can cry about what I just did. I can't even explain why I do it. I always just do it, no thoughts, just happens. And there is no pain. | |
|
SHRED
Joined: Oct 20, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-20 18:58:20 |
| Started cutting at 14, got worse with age. At 16 cut x's from elbow to wrist both arms. I guess I wanted to show people how much I was hurting...girlfreind dumping me. Wanted to die so bad but hated my self for not having courage to do it. Within 2 years, had vertical and horizontal scars both arms, deep scars on both inner thighs, scar on neck from razor. I hurt so bad inside that the cuts seemed to release the pain and anxiety, immediately there was a relief and then head hanging depression and acceptance of my hopelessness. So hopeless. Older now but still feel the pain without cutting, no relif for me. Had one quick episode this year, first in 15 years. Depression a constant, can't get out of bed. Hate my life but somehow feel like it could be better. So many years of suffering, can't kill myself so I just endure. My friend says I am bullet-proof but inside I am cringing and pulling farther into a ball to hide. Outside I am the big joker, inside an abandoned little kid that no one loved. | |
|
rainbows00
Joined: Oct 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-20 20:32:28 |
| CCW,,, they do care about me.. I just feel like i've been dropped off the face of the earth and i'll never have as much money talent or looks as my friends and i'll never be good enough... i haven't carved since the last time that i posted, but i almost did last night.. and i'm reading this book called cut. it's good but this girl has no reason to cut. which sickens me. i'm getting bad about starving myself. since i have to put on a front all the time it's usually natural to eat. today my friend joked to my mom i did't want dinner cause i was starving myself.. ilaughed, but no one sees the pain behind it....... tell me what happend in your "younger years" | |
|
CCW
Joined: Sep 21, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-10-20 23:02:52 |
|
my younger years, rainbows00..? I don't like to talk about myself, but ok, I'll do it if it makes you or anybody else here happy. I've never really had a friend I trusted, and would rather run around in the forests alone. I didn't have internett then, so that was my way of escaping reality. not having friends made me vulnerable to bullies, I suppose. but these bullies were a little smarter than the everyday muscle-mass that borrows your food. one of them confronted me one day, and said that he wanted to be my friend. I accepted, and he dragged me away from the school, and up into a forest to declare our friendship. then he started "playing" with me, a part I'd rather keep to myself. after some months of "play" the two other bullies confronted me, and showed me a tape of the bully "playing" with me. luckily my mother decided she wanted to move again, but it's been hard not to think about that when someone asks me to be their friend. after that, my mother also stopped beating me, probably because we were moving into a bigger town were people could hear and see what was going on in an house. then she started playing World of Warcraft in hope of finding a new boyfriend(she never were a good mother, so I suppose she needed someone who could care for me). recently people have started to identify me as emo or simply "bug". |
|
|
elisafauzana
Joined: Aug 27, '09
Status: Senior User |
2009-10-20 23:32:42 |
| i feel for what happened CCW. at the moment do u have anybody u r close to? | |
|
CCW
Joined: Sep 21, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-10-21 07:43:51 |
|
no, none I can contact or meet outside the internett. there are some people who try to keep me in a good mood(and I let them, as long as I am able to think and reason like I should), but they are on the other side of the world. I have few or none possibilities to meet them. but this tread is not for discussing me, it's about cutting. |
|
|
elisafauzana
Joined: Aug 27, '09
Status: Senior User |
2009-10-21 09:35:39 |
| sorry...yeah kinda out of topic. thank u for reminding | |
|
rainbows00
Joined: Oct 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-21 12:31:09 |
| CCW, Oh my god.. I'm so sorry, you have it way worse than i do.. I just have body issues and no father or money or talent. I think You have trust issues. the world sucks. i don't know why people would belive in a god if all this stuff is going on with people. i'm so sorry. i can't stand myself either. | |
|
Unanswered Thread: my test posted by Mark777 6 hours ago |
|
|
Need to see a psychologist? Find reviews on the best doctors in your area at Angie's List
(Get access to thousands of reviews for a small charge) |
|
