Thread Topic: Am I Borderline or something else...I'm confused
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SmilingPrincess
Joined: Aug 19, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-19 03:45:15 |
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I just did the test and it seems like I have every personality disorder in the book except for the ones that involve being delusional and living in a fantasy world. I am very high functioning and people who know me will describe me as being funny and full of life but deep down in my soul, I am a mess!! I can't go on like this anymore, especially now that I am trying to pursue a career in personal training. To get a better understanding of what I am going through I just want to explain my symptoms. I always had a difficult time being in relationships. I often had affairs even if I was completely in love with the person I was with. I had this fear of getting hurt so bad that I would cheat so I can hurt my partner before he hurt me even if he didn't do a thing to deserve it. And when I cheated I would have no conscience about it. I would ask myself "What is wrong with me? Why don't I care?" Many times I would hurt someone and they would express their pain to me but I would be cold and unresponsive, not feeling empathy or shame for how bad I hurt that person. For some reason I would feel like they deserved to feel pain even if, like I said, they didn't do anything wrong to me. But then I would later feel like I really love that person and I can't live without them and I would let my guard down. Then I would go back to being cold. It's so frustrating. I can't get on even keel. The men of the past and even my fiancee now feels like its their fault that when I become detached. Another problem is I make them believe it is their fault and I feed on their insecurities and turn it all around as if they are not good enough for me. I knew I had a problem after I met my fiancee because he is the sweetest guy in the world and gives me no reason not to trust him, but yet I find suspicion in every little thing he does. For example, if he is outside talking to the neighbor, i get these unrealistic thoughts like "he must be talking about other women" or "he's saying something I probably wouldn't like" even if his conversation is right where I can hear it at any time. I go nuts for no reason and once I get a thought in my head I obsess over it time and time again until it completely consumes me. When I get obsessive like that, I go on shopping sprees and dress really provacative or I take pills. I do anything to get out of my mind even if the high only lasts for so long. I don't drink or do drugs other than pills, but still the shopping, the vicodins, and the slutty clothes are just plain unhealthy for my life. I need a better way. I go shopping to try to escape me racing thoughts, i take pills just to feel numb for a change, and i dress crazy because it makes me feel superior and the center of attention. I am really embarassed sharing all of this but I am desperate for help and change. And if someone can please help me with what kind of diagnosis i should be looking at. Thanks. |
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Unanswered Thread: my test results posted by lightweaver 6 hours ago |
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YuleBall
Joined: Aug 19, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-19 08:04:47 |
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The best thing to do is go to a G.P, its what i did when i wasn't sure what was wrong with me. Then they can tell you exactly what your symptoms mean. Its better than getting a lot of wish-wash answers from people over the internet, get a professional opinion :) I hope it goes well for you x |
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nbartram
Joined: Aug 19, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-19 15:25:57 |
| Not to make you feel worse than you already do, but when reading about you --- I felt like you were describing me---especially the part about distrusting your fiance even when you KNOW he is a good man....I guess that you should know that I have been professionally diagnosed by a therapist and psychiatrist with Borderline Personality Disorder. I would seek professional counseling and it will help you in the long run if you find someone who works with Borderline disorders....tell them from the start that you believe this might be your diagnosis to save you some time and money.....but let them be the decision maker on it. I wish you well my friend. | |
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jones1
Joined: Sep 10, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-10 06:29:50 |
| help im going crazy......the man i love the most in the world thinks im the devil..the mood changes,theinsecuriy,the jealousy,,the disgust with myself | |
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kez
Joined: Sep 9, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-10 11:23:55 |
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that's really hard jonesy, sorry you are in that space. |
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carolynmarie17
Joined: Sep 16, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-16 15:31:43 |
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Hey there, I've read these posts and i am in the same boat as all of you. i am engaged and my fiance thinks i am f---ing crazy. i have always wondered what was wrong with me because i never never felt and "positive" feelings. i feel anger, hate, jealousy, judgemental, rage. i find it impossible to feel positive feelings like happiness, excitement, love, eagerness, joy. they are all contrived and not fully felt. I have not started therapy, but i made my first appointment for the end of the month. i have to do something because i cannot live this life feelinglike this, or better yet "not feeling". I want to have intrapersonal relatioinships with friends, i want to realy feel deep love for my fiance. i don't want to spin and spin on everything he says and make it seem as if he is out to get me. i don't like feeling suspicious that everyone is talking about me or that my whole family thinks i'm nuts. this way of life is so tiring for me, i think too much and everything i think about is horrible. i hate judging people, i hate manipulating people, i hate that i LIKE manipulating people. i want to stop snooping through everything trying to find something to get mad at my fiance for. he is such an amazing person and i know i hurt him. but as we sit there and he tells me how bad i hurt him, i seem to think, "ugh, i don't care, you're too sensitive. but i better act really sorry because i don't want him to leave me". what the hell am i thinking?? i must say one thing though, we got a dog recently and this has really shown me what i can feel inside. i look at my dog and i see everything i want to be. he is so patient, he is SO happy to see me all the time, he never snaps at me or is short with me. ANY time i attempt to scold him, he feels SO bad and is so sad to have made me upset and tries so hard to make it better by trying to kiss me. i know it sounds stupid, but it has taught me so much. and how i feel for him, i've never felt before. i feel secure with him, it's just different because i know he won't leave or hurt me. it's a feeling i've never really felt before. i don't think people who feel like we do have all hope lost. i feel it needs to be a process of retraining our brains to ERASE our defensive nature. i think that all of things i FEEL or DO NOT FEEL are attributed to being "defensive". lashing out is defensive, lying is defensive. i don't think i, nor anyone with BPD is a bad person, there is actually an overly sensitive, needy, overly honest and critical person inside. if anyone wants to chat over email, feel free: carolynmarie17 @ yahoo |
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Unanswered Thread: Nothing wrong with paranoia. posted by IntroduckToni 2 days ago |
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