does my thoughts match with you?

joymed25 Joined: Mar 27, '10 Status: New User	2010-03-28 07:38:03
	Hi, How painful is it living with a mental problem?. Actually I am also in a mental trauma and I would like to know if you can just get habituated with time living with it. It does never heal and you can never adapt and can only find insecurity even if you try to fit into the normals.You will manipulate all your actions and get sad as it never matches with others .The worst part is you can never really seek help because it gives you a shameful and weird feeling to express yourself in front of others. Besides it's tough to believe whether one can really help you. We are the most unfortunate because people blame you as unwilling horses and you also get confused at times whether you are really making it happen . Then you try to bring upon changes and transform yourself and you are sure to fail.You don't get recognised in the world or people seem to ignore you. You seem to have a vague/void existence in reality and believe you never deserved to occupy a place in this living world. So you choose death and by the time you hesitate ,the urge to kill yourself dies down and once again you land up in a zone of confusion, You feel guilty for having inappropiate pessimistic thoughts but can't help yourself. Does my thoughts have similarity with your ones ? plz reply. you know the most pathetic part of my life.........I am a medical student who could never determine his true identity.How can I truly take care of people?
Obsidian Joined: Jan 22, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-03-28 08:08:27
	No, can't relate. Except for the last sentence. I really don't care for people, but I've always sought jobs that expect you to. Like fire fighter(gave up on it because it pretty much required straight As to get into that school), police(realized I don't really like the police, gave up on that.) And at the moment I work as a security guard. :P
llamadux Joined: Mar 28, '10 Status: New User	2010-03-28 21:54:03
	My urge to kill myself dies down, and is replaced with the urge to kill others, then that dies down, and I'm back to wanting to kill myself.
Eeyore Joined: Mar 28, '10 Status: New User	2010-03-29 00:02:27
	Re: Joymed25 Yes, I can relate to your thoughts. It's like, when my doctor says "I just have to learn to adapt and live with it." or in the words of a Sinead O'Connor song "Girl you better try to have fun, no matter what you do, well his a fool." I definitely feel like my life has been ripped off, short changed of pure genetics, left here to linger and rot because for some strange reason I fill a void in other peoples lives.
Madelaine24 Joined: Mar 22, '10 Status: New User	2010-03-29 06:55:50
	I can relate to your thoughts as well... Sometimes I have phases when I feel very normal and uncomplicated but those are rather exceptional. Most of the time I cannot really live with it. There are problems that trouble me like not knowing who I am, erratic modd swings, desperation, searching for closeness but then not able to accept it, getting very aggressive and so on... And yeah I try to fit in but I know I am just playing a role. This ain´t so hard for me because most of the time I am really internalise them but nevertheless being home and alone again is a relief to me (or sometimes horrific.. depends on my mood).. I often tried to change my life and to change myself.. It never worked.. I like the sentence "Wherever you go, you always take yourself along..." I try to stay alive but it is the thought of suicide that keeps me alive. I always say to myself: ok... when there is really no way out then you can still kill yourself..
joymed25 Joined: Mar 27, '10 Status: New User	2010-03-29 09:06:20
	Thank God.At least thoughts of some people match with you.
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-03-29 11:42:04
	hi joymed, yes, i do relate to you. >>It does never heal and you can never adapt and can only find insecurity even if you try to fit into the normals. -yes, i try to fit in just to fail. can never adapt and can never heal. sometimes when i am accepted, i just bounce back to be cold and distant as i will feel my space has been robbed. it's like no matter what whether i try or not, whether i am accepted of not, the outcome remains the same-fail to be a normal human being. >>You will manipulate all your actions and get sad as it never matches with others . -i closely observe others to do even the simplest thing on earth. it's like i am a toddler just learning how to live. but most of the time i wont match others. my actions are usually awkward. >>The worst part is you can never really seek help because it gives you a shameful and weird feeling to express yourself in front of others. Besides it's tough to believe whether one can really help you. -often i don't seek help because i don't even know what i want, what do i ask help for, i can never express myself and i don't believe anybody out there could understand me when i don't understand myself either. We are the most unfortunate because people blame you as unwilling horses and you also get confused at times whether you are really making it happen . -confused all the time. never in my life i have been assertive. You seem to have a vague/void existence in reality and believe you never deserved to occupy a place in this living world. So you choose death and by the time you hesitate ,the urge to kill yourself dies down and once again you land up in a zone of confusion, You feel guilty for having inappropiate pessimistic thoughts but can't help yourself. >>exactly. death seems to be a good solution. but can't do it. then end up in land of confusion and guilt. I am a medical student who could never determine his true identity.How can I truly take care of people? >>i am a pharmacist. but till today i never feel like i am a recognised professional who has my important part to play in the community to take care of others. because i can't even identify myself. i let my assistants to over rule me most of the time. truly nothing is more pathetic than this to happen. i can understand how you feel about being a medical student. all my life i have wished i never took up this highly looked up profession as my choice. instead i prefer a lesser qualification with lesser responsibilty and lesser contact with people. maybe a diploma in lab tech should do me good. i will hv my superior to take care the lab and people while i just handle specimen-less Q,less R and less C.
joymed25 Joined: Mar 27, '10 Status: New User	2010-03-29 13:07:10
	@elisafauzana, when did you begin to realise that you do not fit ? For me, I could not adapt in my childhood with others but thought at one point of time (when I will be grown up)I will be able to adapt.I used to stay in a hostel where I was bullied or watched others being bullied .That left a deep hole in my heart.I could never express due to fear of being mocked by my friends. I thought that when I will be grown up, I will have the chance to express myself.So I just ignored all the thoughts at that time.But when I landed up in a medical school, I realised that I do not have actually any feelings left in me. It's completely dark there.I act so immatured never knowing what to do when.I always depend on two of my friends and when they are not around me, I feel helpless as if others will just attack me.Its so ridiculous thought but sadly it's true.
joymed25 Joined: Mar 27, '10 Status: New User	2010-03-29 13:08:37
	I sometimes think I just feign all of it just to escape the reality.
Old Guy Joined: Nov 6, '09 Status: Junior User	2010-03-29 14:03:57
	At work I'm pretty good a fitting in. It is as if I'm playing a role in a play. I become a character while at work. But when it's time to go home I become fearful because now I'm me and me is not a normal person. I have no friends. There is no intimacy with family members. I can't trust anyone because I am afraid that my carefully masked shortcomings will become known and everyone would be disgusted by the real me. I feel that I'm worthless. I don't understand why normal people see life as such a great thing. To me it's a painful existence. I wish for death to free me from the pain of life. Unfortunately therapy has made me feel guilty about the affect my death would have on my children so I'm stuck in purgatory. I don't get any positive feedback when I try to change. All I feel is failure. It is horrible. I'm very close to quitting therapy because I tired of the constant strain of sometimes having hope I could become normal to the reality of failure.
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-03-31 09:14:32
	dear joymed, i have always feel awkward and confused from my childhood. but only outside of home. at home i am normal and functioning-know what to do when stuff. but outside-totally go blank and so immature.i had no friends. and i was left out socially and academically. but somewhere during my teen(around 15-17) i began to excel academically and had few friends. i had good time and good feeling. and it sort of lasted till i graduated. that's how i managed to get my degree. till then i was kinda fine. but there after, i got lost again once i start both losing and purposely leaving my friends. i lose them inevitably-different Uni, moved to different province n stuff and purposely leave them when i felt they weren't sensitive-they started to have boyfriends and i had none and felt loser and lonely. so i would say i actually need friends to prosper in life. without friends i just feel lost. but now that i have lost them all, i find myself unabled to make new friends. like the era of making friends is over. i am unable to make or even if i make a new friendship, i am unable to keep it. i am both have lost the interest to be in a friendship and being lost without a friendship-landed on a big zone of confusion. i think i would have been normal if i managed to keep the friendship i made during my high school-Uni. but now it's too late. i am lost and can never find my way. the feeling of awkwaridity is getting worse. i can't even talk to my son's teachers, other parents, can't talk to my co-workers. whenever i try to have a conversation, i end up feeling confused what to say and what to not and when i finally talk, i jumble up the words that whatever i say is just so stupid. it is deteriorating and i am unable to stop it. i am so confused that i don't even know what i am trying to say here. hope u understand.
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-03-31 10:15:44
	dear oldguy, i am stuck in the same predicament, expect for me i am still in the level of finding the 'mask' to make me fit at work. i am trying hard to find it. to make me function. at home, my son finds me to be a good mother. my husband loves me. but i feel worthless. i feel they will better off without me. i feel i am a burden to them. sometimes i would tell them that i want to go somewhere far from them. they'll get upset and my son starts to cry. but all these weird useless feeling fluctuates. sometimes suddenly i feel i am fine and functional. but this rarely happens. and this is when i start planning and saying positive stuffs. i will say things that will give hope to my husband particularly to look forward for something good in our life. then suddenly i shut down and avoid the whole situation. my husband will get confused. i'll be confused too. confused how could had i plan and say something like this? >> I don't understand why normal people see life as such a great thing. To me it's a painful existence. I wish for death to free me from the pain of life. same here, oldguy. i could never understand how normal people's mind work. i could never understand how could they enjoy life? not that life has been only mean to me. there were times it has been generous. but still i don't find life as a pleasure. i even blame my mother to have gave birth to me and hence put the whole burden on my shoulders. i see everything as pointless, useless. relationship, friendship, advancement in job..everything seems pointless. the only reason i work is to have my own money so that i wont have to depend on anybody. sigh...
Old Guy Joined: Nov 6, '09 Status: Junior User	2010-03-31 11:26:40
	elisafauzana I totally get the confusion over friendship. I think if I had friends I wouldn't feel so worthless and broken. But I have no clue how to make friends. I've mostly given up on ever having a friend. I get depressed over that. When I was younger I think I had friends in college and when I was in the Navy. But people move and loose touch. All those people have gone away. I can force myself to get up and go to work each day because I have to make money to pay the mortgage and other bills. I owe it to my wife and kids to bring home money. I have two jobs and I just sort of hide out. I'm afraid that I'll be found out as a fraud and be let go. My work has no purpose. That makes me sad. What is strange is I have accomplished things but those positive accomplishments just seem like random lucky events that just sort of happened. I can't use them to make me feel good about myself. On the other hand I feel fully responsible for all my failures. When bad stuff happens I always find some way feel its my fault. No matter how hard I try I can't shake that world view. I had a good therapist who I though of as my professional friend. Somehow she could get me to begin to open up. I found her by chance following a call the Kaiser crises line while I was suicidal. Unfortunately she moved to a different state. The replacement has been useless. We seem to just fight. I agreed to try another person but our first meeting wasn't very hopeful. That will be the 4th one. So you see the good things happen by pure luck. No effort on my part. But when I try to pursue something I fail. It all seems so pointless. ugh!!
elisafauzana Joined: Aug 27, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-03-31 12:19:48
	dear oldguy, whatever i feel and wanted to say os exactly what you have said here. the friendship confusion. stuck between lost friend and unable to move on and make new friends and the feeling of self sufficient thinking i don't need a friend. but actually i do need a friend. the job without a purpose.just to earn to be independent and to pay mortgage and bills (i am very bad in financial planning-end up having a lot of unnecessarily spent credit card bills to be paid). the accomplishments that i take as luck rather than acknowledging them as my achievements to make me feel better. being successfully graduated as pharmacist for instance. i always take it as curse rather than blessing. i just can't see myself being a good, competent pharmacist. i would retract myself and feel it would been alot better if i weren't a graduate. because for me the job, the responsibilty i hold seems pointless and confusing. i can never engage myself to the world. i can never see myself having a important role to play in the community. instead i feel i am a completely isolated entity that mean nothing to the world and the world mean nothing to me. how can i pursue into advancing in something that i don't have faith and passion? i try. i can't. having people whom we trust, whom we are comfortable with, like your therapist, and our few friends we had throughout our lives, moving away and loosing touch with them, can be a devastating moment. like hitting the wall. for me, the worst was when my friends whom i was comfortable with were starting to date. leaving me alone. i tried to turn back to my family whom i was always comfortable with just to see my mother has destroyed them all. she was a monster and made all her children's life fo bizarre. i couldn't find the cushion anywhere anymore. that is when i lost all the connection to the world. i came back to have the world of love and relationship when i had my son. he is the only person on earth that i can trust and i can love. not even my husband. i try hard to love my husband, but other adults seems like a treat to me. he has prooved in everyway that he loves me. so i am still trying. but it's like a sticker has lost its glue. it just can't stick anymore. and though i love my son, i am always ready that one day he will find his girlfriend and abandon me. thinking all the insanity, i just see my life as pointless. i try to count the blessing like has been taught in our religion. but the sticker's glue is lost forever. the cushion that i had can't be recovered anywhere ever again.
joymed25 Joined: Mar 27, '10 Status: New User	2010-03-31 12:39:20
	@oldguy, Do you think that that the psychiatrists/ psychologists can get hold of our thoughts? Actually when I am in a good mood I can't relate myself to the thought I was thinking a few hrs back. Was I really thinking that bad? How can that be? =>What is strange is I have accomplished things but those positive accomplishments just seem like random lucky events that just sort of happened. I can't use them to make me feel good about myself. On the other hand I feel fully responsible for all my failures. When bad stuff happens I always find some way feel its my fault. No matter how hard I try I can't shake that world view.=> I can totally relate to that part. For the relation part I don't really let people cling to me and eventually I suffer from boredom.It gets acute and then loneliness follows.
Need to see a psychologist? Find reviews on the best doctors in your area at Angie's List (Get access to thousands of reviews for a small charge)

Copyright 2012, all rights reserved. View our Privacy Policy | Advertise With Us
DISCLAIMER: These forums are not a substitute for evaluation by a medical professional. By using these forums you agree to hold 4degreez.com unaccountable for anything posted by other visitors. There is no endorsement made nor vetting done on any content posted by a visitor. This service is presented as-is with no warrantees; use at your own risk.