Imprisoned by Shame

LonelyLoner Joined: Nov 15, '09 Status: New User	2009-11-15 14:49:00
	By the time I was 25, I had suffered greatly as a result of my drinking, drugging, and impulsive behavior. Catching herpes was devastating and illness from hepatitis B was frightening. But not enough to motivate any change in my lifestyle. I returned to stripping briefly but found it necessary to spend my earnings on booze so was unable to support myself. I could no longer live with my best friend "Robby" because he was now living with his real boyfriend. The only thing I'd learned since my teens was the importance of hygiene and to dress more stylishly. I also realized that my lifestyle was trashy and nothing to be proud of. Then I met "Tony" 11 years my senior and not the least bit bothered by my lack of maturity, social ignorance and sense of entitlement. Although in recovery and abstaining from drugs and booze himself, he had no problem providing me with these things. Whatever it took to keep me content and in his bed. Tony was not socially inhibited like me, but I soon discovered his thinking was even more flawed than mine. He made enemies wherever we would go and could be very abrasive. When I lied, I knew I was lying and why. When Tony lied, he was actually being truthful in his own reality. Anytime someone retaliated against him, he would express shock. It was impossible for him to acknowledge his own actions which brought it on. I was subject to almost daily confrontations, sometimes sticking up for Tony, often not. My dear friend Robby had learned he was HIV+ years ago but I continued having drunken, unsafe sex with him until Tony and I packed up and drove across country on an impulsive, ill-fated adventure. Robby was starting to suffer from AIDS related illnesses and it scared me. Contnued...
erinro Joined: Nov 13, '09 Status: New User	2009-11-15 17:20:43
	Thanks for sharing all of this LL. Best wishes to you..
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