Thread Topic: Imprisoned by Shame
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LonelyLoner
Joined: Nov 15, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-15 13:25:39 |
| My younger brother and I (the two eldest) were cared for and nurtured by our mother but aware that our father was generally disgusted by us and compared us unfavorably to our younger brother who was given special privileges and constant praise. At 11 years old, my peers began to re-enforce my belief that I was not normal. If I made friends, it was important for me to portray myself as someone else, therefore I was very ashamed of my brother and would not allow him in my world outside of home. At one point, I was teased about my funny last name. Thirty years later, I still have trouble giving my last name to people. In High School I started smoking because it gave me an excuse to socialize with the other smokers and I wouldn't suffer the shame of being alone at lunch time. As a freshman, I had spent lunch periods standing alone near the pay phones because I couldn't imagine anyone welcoming me to sit with them. I already had secrets too. I knew I was different inside and had to mimic the behavior of the other boys who genuinely loved sports and were noticing the opposite sex. At 13, I had a sexual encounter with a middle aged male. I was disgusted after wards and vowed to hide my gayness forever but by age 16, it would not be ignored. It was the '80s (no internet) so I made my first contact with my city's gay community through its bars , and adult entertainment venues. Eventually I started stripping and prostituting. It was a good feeling, knowing that men were aroused by my body, but the introduction to drinking and drugging paved the way to an irresponsible lifestyle and retarded my emotional maturity. It wasn't long before I became very self conscious around the gay community. I relied on one close friend to guide me socially and keep me included. Eventually, he declared us "best friends" and initiated an on-going sexual relationship with me. This validated me. I wasn't even bothered by the assumption that our physical relationship could not be known to others. Not because he had a steady legitimate boyfriend, but because it was natural for me to keep secrets and I certainly didn't blame someone like him for being embarrassed by me. I was just happy he found something attractive about me. As long as I had my best friend and my youthful appearance, I would be fine. There was no reason to ever imagine not having these things. They were mine and they were all I had. I'd be okay. Continued... | |
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Unanswered Thread: my test results posted by darron46 12 hours ago |
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fantasy
Joined: Jul 28, '09
Status: Senior User |
2009-11-15 18:36:51 |
| I'm so sorry that these terrible things happened to you, but I don't understand what you need. Why are you ashamed? What is your current problem? Did you just need someone to know ? | |
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solidface
Joined: Nov 10, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-15 22:04:54 |
| Lonely Loner, I can't tell you how much I relate to your story. I, too, was shamed by my father and really, by all the men in my life and was teased for having a funny name. I have always been a loner and always known I was different. I realized I was gay as I hit puberty (which came very early) but didn't act on it til later. This was in the mid-90s and when I came out, it actually helped turn my social life around considerably but the damage to my self esteem had already been done. I still felt (and often feel) like the awkward kid with no real friends. In my early 20s, I moved from my rural hometown to a major city where I began to touch base with a larger gay community, first through bars, then adult entertainment. As I developed a drinking problem, I took to hustling in arcades. I soon dropped out of school and began stripping, escorting and performing in adult films. As I grew increasingly free with my sexuality, everything else in my life atrophed severely. I grew intensely avoidant and isolated every aspect of my life until I had a myriad of personae which I came to feel trapped by. I left the city by my mid-20s and tried to find some normalcy but I could shake neither the memory of everything I had done nor the person I had become. I returned to the city for a month, which only reinforced that this wasn't the life for me but the question remains: what is? I was no longer 22 and though I still look fairly young, I'm was longer the 'it' boy I had once been. People with lesser damage go find a mate and settle into some kind of life but what do those of us who were acting out against our issues in the first place do? All I can do is try to get better, figure out what I want my life to be and remember that I am still who I always was beneath the personae and the second rate glamour of it all. It's beyond difficult to let go of everything that has happened and of course, denying it is just as harmful as dwelling on it but that balance is difficult to strike. I feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one going through something like this. I hope that you'll continue your story. I apologize if I've responded prematurely. | |
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Unanswered Thread: So which razor/blade posted by Hip 2 days ago |
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