Avoidant or what?

Penshark Joined: Nov 10, '09 Status: New User	2009-11-10 21:59:42
	Over the years, I've been struggling with shyness. I suppose that was stemmed from a childhood where my family moved around a lot, and my parents divorced for a couple of years and then remarried (rather unusual, I know). I had a difficult time making friends and even when I finally did I never confided too much with them. I hated high school; to this day you will not find a single yearbook picture of me and I did that on purpose due to the sheer anger and rage I felt at the school and the people who were there. I served in the Army, but I never made it past Specialist because to become a Sergeant meant I would have to be responsible for people. I served Honorably, but I got out when I could because in the end I couldn't handle having to deal with people all the time. I can be outgoing if I want to be, but I know it's really a show I put on. I dread having to go to parties or any social engagement. I always prefer to be alone, though the loneliness is very painful. I admit that I lie often during social interaction because I just don't trust that I might be interesting to others, and I just say something I think they want to hear. The mere idea of having to go to a party or something exhausts me. My brother thinks I have Asperger's Syndrome, but I don't think so, given that Asperger's patients suffer from a blindness to social cues. I know social cues, or else I wouldn't be able to function the way I do. I've never had a close relationship with anyone, and I don't know if I ever will. The one thing that really frightens me is to be dependent upon others. The very idea is frightening because I feel as though I'll open myself up to betrayal. I've learned over the years that people aren't any damn good; you cannot reasonably rely on anyone. It isn't their fault, but their priorities aren't the same as mine. I don't blame them. But I dread the idea of relying on anyone for anything important. I don't believe I'm suffering from paranoia, but rather the Avoidant disorder. I may not trust people, but I don't think they're all out to get me. And I don't think it's Asperger's. Do I presume correctly?
Jeanine Joined: Nov 2, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-11-11 02:40:42
	I also agree with you. Youre avoidant.
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