I need some help

wowu Joined: Sep 30, '09 Status: New User	2009-09-30 11:48:03
	I was always suspecting that something is wrong with me. I have never got any friends. Haven't got a girlfriend. I am 22 know and think that I failed my life. I was going to kill myself recently - I just hate myself for who I am. I have never been to the doctor to check if something is wrong with me and how it could be changed. But I realize that I have wasted so many time. If I won't do nothing - I will kill myself one day. My problem may be social anxiety - the personality test on this website suggested either avoidant or borderline disorder. I do not panic while in social situation, but there is a feeling of high stress. I just avoid any contact with people I do not know - the contact which could be something else than formal - like when shopping, making project for uni. I tend to make them alone if possible and hate the idea of work in groups. I really would like to have friends but I think that I am too afraid that they won't like me when we would know each other better. I am really O.K. with being alone and as I am melancholic and introverted guy I won't like much relationships - but I wish I have a friend. I wish I was worth enough and got this ability to find a girl which would like me and accept me as I am. I am really anxious to talk about myself in any way. I hated language lessons - when there is always some exercises so we could discuss things that in some cases I considered too private. But still I had to do this cos I am not a guy who would stand up for himself. I do not know how I can seek help. I am a bit chickening out about going to the psychologist. Talking with other person about things I want to gain is hard enough so talking about my private life is much more difficult. I wouldn't be able to say a word. And when the psychologist would try to help me answer some questions about me - I won't be able to remember things properly and as a result - show the false picture of me. Last not least is that I am a bit scared to tell about it to anyone. I know - maybe this is obvious for some people but I do not want to be a whinny weird guy who got to try psychological counseling in people's eyes. Other thing is that I do not like idea of drugs. Maybe it is the way out, but I would like for someone to help me improve my self image and efficacy in contrary to use any means just to 'deal with the patient' as quick as possible. And what if I am really ill? I do not want this stigma. I do not know if I would manage to deal with it. I feel worse than others, so boring and useless. Sometimes I think that I do not deserve any help - as my low self-esteem begins to overhelm me sometimes. What do you think about my situation? What do you suggest me to do? Please, mind that going to the psychologist for know scares me, maybe you got to deal with this too. How did you reach for the first time for help?
Unanswered Thread:    So many (bad) emotions posted by FadingLights 8 minutes ago
kellij Joined: Oct 1, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-01 08:32:26
	Quit being afraid. You are wonderful. You deserve to live and help other people be happy because of your presence. Yes, you make people happy, and if you dont at some point, who cares....there is a reason for it. There is not a reason for wanting to kill yourself. You can go see a counselor, they are wonderful, and seem to be easier to get in with. Try it, you will definitely feel better.
fantasy Joined: Jul 28, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-01 12:55:44
	I'm also dealing with how to reach out for help, so can't help you with that. But it's weird because I know how you feel, I am also kind of shy and introvert and I don't excessive socializing or talking or partying or whatever, but that doesn't mean I don't want friends, I would be happy with maybe one or two really good friends who were only friends with me .. I know that sounds selfish but it's really not, I just mean I want to be friends with a small group of people who know how it feels. But it's really hard for me to reach out to other people, so even if there are people like me out there we'll be too shy to talk. :( BUT that's why I'm online! I'd happy to be your friend online maybe we can talk sometimes. and You're not boring or worthless, you sound like a deep person. I really think talking to other people like people you trust or people who understand will help. If you don't have someone you'd like to talk to in real life, you can still talk here. We all try to listen and help each other since all of us here have problems. And don't give up life (yet), things can always improve!
Fatality Joined: Jul 14, '09 Status: Senior User	2009-10-01 14:50:56
	If you really want to go see a psychologist, "practise" sharing the problems here, if it helps. We're a bunch of great people and always listen :D Also, never think of any of the disorders on here as an illness, because i feel its the wrong word to use, and brings negative thoughts etc towards it (like you mentioned with the stigma, the word i was looking for) Back to the counsellor, well i share the same problem, kinda. I really wanna see one, for my own good, but i could never pluck up the courage to see one mainly because of the fear of actually being diagnosed with something, and other people seeing me differently after this. But perhaps my closest friend, she saw me all depressed and stuff and i eventually told her my worries, and she's supporting me but with that annoyingly-powerful "whats the worst that can happen?" argument, but i don't know why i'm saying all this as i haven't actually been yet. If you actually managed to read that, we all believe in you :D
wowu Joined: Sep 30, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-04 12:23:16
	hi, I haven't been online for some time. I'd really like to talk with you. kellij: thanks, posts like this make me feel better - and make decision of taking my life harder. It is just - I would like all this you have said to be true. fantasy: I was taught that the type of temperament ( I am melancholic) decides if you a lot about you and melancholics just tends to have a small amount of friends - cos its natural for this type of temperament. I'd sure like to talk, and as I have noticed - it is easier for me to talk to random online persons than to someone I know. Mind that first reply here was rude - if it had been someone I knew - I would have plenty of bad emotions. fatality: As far as I know disorders and mental illnesses are two different things. However both are mental problems. I always thought - in every social situation - that I want to be normal, like others. My peers wanted to be cool, attractive, mean while I just wanted to be normal. It would be really hard for me to accept any trouble - it would mean - I am not normal. I am ill. I do not want to offend anyone. I just say what I think. I always try to guess things ... like: what would you, fatality would see me and think about me if we met face to face. And know I am thinking how other people would judge me. I think I'd have problem not only to accept other people reactions but I do not know if I could accept myself as objectively lame and mentally troubled. I do not get it. Who am I if I got disorder. Am I the person with damaged brain, maybe a freak, then maybe a lame, unseccesfull child of poor parents. And when I will recover - would I be someone else? Someone better, and everything what has happenen before was just a reaction of an damaged, ill man? And how it is with suicide. Once - I'd really want to die. I make plans, I suffer and in death I can see release. And some other time (when no one annoys me or someone is nice to me) I am all right, still pesimistic but not looking for that infinite solution. I do not get it. All the time I accept that suicide is an option. But once I feel like ready to go, another time I just do not care. Thanks for replies,
fantasy Joined: Jul 28, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-05 07:14:59
	Personally I don't think there's a "problem" with our brains or personalities or whatever. We just tend to be more neurotic or more sensitive/fragile or shy than the average person, but everyone has a bit of these traits in them. I think the phrase "mentally ill" is very misleading. I've had problems with accepting I have a problem, but you don't have to think of yourself as a "lame, mentally troubled" person to do that. Everyone has problems, just that ours happens to be with the emotion and the mind. Problem meaning that it negatively affects how we live our lives. NOT problems meaning defect. I'm not defected and neither are you. About your suicidal thoughts, it's like that with me as well.. sometimes I just feel terrible and I want to die at that moment and other times I'll feel almost normal, I almost think suicidal is a mood, just like depressed or angry. Well.. that's all just my opinion, if you don't agree with me that's fine with me cuz everyone got differnet opinions, just wanted to share what I thought. My aim is vrielis but I'm not on too much, I can get on anytime in the evening though if you're on.
Fatality Joined: Jul 14, '09 Status: Senior User	2009-10-05 08:06:35
	Yes, the term "mentally ill" also apparently includes those with phobias too. Not too sure on that though. The term is really only used by those deemed as "normal" reffering to us who are at the extremes, of whatever it may be. Its just the way we think, and there is no "right" way to think is there? My thoughts on that anyway.
fantasy Joined: Jul 28, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-05 13:06:27
	Yeah personally I think the people who like repetitive, bad pop music like Ting Tings or Akon or Black eyed peas (or Radiohead for that matter.. I hate radioheaad..) are the mentally ill people. how the hell can they be so stupid and boring and shallow? I keep thinking there must be a deeper side of them that they're hiding somewhere to "fit in" But seriously, that's MY music taste, that's MY opinion, and I know that. But a lot of people don't seem to realize that what they think is NOT all the story.
wowu Joined: Sep 30, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-05 14:00:04
	Fatality: you are wrong. Mental illness is one group of mental disorders but generally mental illness is something more serious. Term 'mental illness' is connected with organic disorders and psychosis. The person isn't conscious that something is wrong. And this is the difference. I seem to be neurotic but as I said - maybe it is something more serious. I know Fatality that people who try to help avoid using terms which could make feel bad people with problems. But I'd have to deal with the possibility of bigger problem. It is the last time I used it that way. I feel so wrong about myself - mostly because I can see how much I have lost and that I won't be able to change much in the future. I want someone to judge me objectively if I am worth something as a human. But I am afraid of this as well. I would like someone to make me sure whether I should live (and then what should I do?) or die. Any way - I am still seeking for best suicide method. They wrote truth - I am afraid of death and as long as the fear is stronger that things which brings me to suicide - I am going to still live. I haven't said it because I thought you would consider me a total freak but I have found that some of the people share this problem here too - I have been cutting myself for more than half of the year. I am really ashamed of it. No one knows about it. I can't imagine going to the doctor with my arm all with scars.
fantasy Joined: Jul 28, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-05 20:11:43
	Hey you shouldn't be ashamed and think you're a freak just because you've been cutting. I've been cutting regularly for 3 years and I know personally shame and guilt doesn't help at all. Either accept that you cut (and like it?) or openly seek help if you don't like it. We have problems but that doesn't make us "freaks" or "psychos" or "mutants" or god knows what else :I
DazzlingVoid Joined: Oct 5, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-05 21:58:46
	I tried to commit suicide once but I obviously had no idea what I was doing because I barely hurt myself at all! (I tried to slit my wrists but the blade was way too dull.) I could have tried again, but I realized if I really wanted to die, then I would have figured out how to do it better the first time. Since then, though I have frequent suicidal thoughts, I know I will probably never actually do it. I am starting to figure out that deep inside, no matter how much I hate myself, or how worthless my life seems, or how desperate I feel for genuine companionship or whatever it is I feel I lack, that I still want to see this life through. I don't even quite know why. But then, I don't have any real reason to want to die except to get away from the pain. So, the question, live or die? Death is the end of the question, whereas if I keep living I can always change my mind about it later (presumably with a sharper knife, or some other means!). So I live, just in case I find some point to it, instead of applying the most permanent of band-aids. In fact, it's kind of exciting to think maybe there is a point. It's nice to be so low that there is only up. This thread has some great discussions about what is mental illness (as I'm ok with calling it). I've never seen a doctor about my problems and it's a long story why, but I've grown up with others in my family with mental illness so to me it is normal. I find people who have never experienced the depths of pain I have confusing--what is the point to their life if they have it so good? I used to appreciate my pain as a means of increasing my empathy and expanding my understanding of the universe, so to speak; at least until I grew up and realized how it limited my life. Except I guess, and I'm just realizing this now as I write it, even though I may never "have a life" as pop culture would define it, maybe in some ways I am living a richer life than most even if it's all kept inside. Anyway, about doctors, some in my family have had bad experiences with them and their drugs they push, while others have had more of a positive experience. I'm not really familiar with the types out there, but I know the psychiatrists are the drug dispensers, which may or may not be what you want to get into. If I do see someone, I'd try for a pschologist or someone else (therapist/counselor) who doesn't have a medical license--someone who is into talking therapy. I wonder if psychotherapy would be good... (My mom had shock therapy which she benefited from, though drugs weren't for her. But it's probably different with different people.) It sounds like you are in a serious crisis, wowu. That's probably scary to read, but really it shouldn't be. Crises happen. I can't promise things will get better, or that you'll ever figure out what it is that is "wrong" or that you want out of life. But I can promise you're a unique human being and you'd be depriving us all of that if you leave now. Everyone dies eventually, but if you've got a life now, as in you're a breathing thinking human being, then honestly, death can wait. Make friends with it, maybe get a reaper tattoo (;p --though seriously, I've considered it), and then maybe face the real challenge of your fear of life. (Why isn't there a reaper equivalent to that?) Battlefield: wowu vs. the Grin Reaper of Life. May you win the battle of dominance! Ok, getting a little silly, and maybe nothing I said made sense, but thank you for sharing your story. Knowing I'm not completely alone really helps.
wowu Joined: Sep 30, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-06 00:40:03
	fantasy: Sorry but ... I always was afraid that something was wrong with me. I want to be 'normal' and cutting is rather weird thing to do. I have read it might be addicitive as well but sure - this is all wrong. I am all wrong. And I cannot just say 'no' for all this emotions. DazzlingVoid: I must tell you that I am pretty the same as you are with the suicide thing. I've been having this thoughts for three years, and recently they became desiers. I have not so nice situation and actually my, let say, abstractive fantasies may become true. That is all. And hey, disorder isn't illness in comparison to shisoprhenia or major depression - check it up somewhere. But, yes the biggest problem is to accept it somehow. If your family has the history of them - sure it must be easier for you. For mine let say 'friends' even visiting psychologist is something weird. It is good that you find positive things in the situations you are in. I guess I tend to see everything in black colors. You said you didn't seek help. Hey, maybe you are a little too much preoccupied with the tought that something is wrong with you that actually this is your problem more than anything else. I tend to make myself different diagnosis, but I surely cannot say anthing for sure as I can't be objective with myself and the more I read about symptoms the more 'ill' I feel. :) I am sure that people who had to deal with their own disabbility in some period of life, suffered pain and frustration are more 'human' to me. They are more emphatetic and more open to other people and world. I afraid that as for my depression and anxiety problems there would be some required. I don't like the idea of drugs and I am afraid that in the same time I will get addicted to them. Like to alcohol - which I hate but still seek sometimes. I have read that neurosis and personality disorders (I am afraid that one of this is my problem) are (if treated by serious proffesionalist) mostly by talking theraphy or ... well, without drugs. The only problem is that ( besides all of my fears about it) it demands hard work and quite strong will to change myself. I do not know if I am ready for that. I do not know how I got to the point that my life seems to not have any sense but this actuall crysis is just a little hard situation which with my suicidal thoughts make toxic coctail. Have any of you had a situation when the failure made you think that your life is finished. As all this time before was worth nothing because the result was a catastrophe? Because I am afraid that I will fail again. Again and again. As I always do. I guess we exhausted the topic.
ahocur Joined: Oct 7, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-08 18:56:56
	Am i too late to write in what i think? .. I really hope not.. Didn't/couldn't read what everybody else wrote because its just to much and I don't have the hability to read that much.. so, I'm sorry if i write something that is already written. Hope not. I actually really really support the idea of not going to see a psychologist... because I think that sometimes they don't help at all.. At least I know they wouldn't with me, because I would find a way to trick them and get them to tell me just what I want to hear... they couldn't help my mom either.... And also, I'm against pills/medication, so... I used to cut myself... a lot.. one day I almost killed myself... but it was like 2years ago.. Now, I've gotten over it... and I didn't went to any psychologist, didn't took any pill, didn't got any friends, any boyfriend anything. I just changed my mind... The way I saw my life... I stopped thinking about it.. Sometimes I sat on a bench of my university and just watched the people go by... I thought in all the things that could be going through their minds, how many of them would be thinking on the same things that I did... How many of them would've bought a hotdog that day... and lots of weird things like that.. I begun playing the guitar more frecuently.. bought some computer games jeje! And I'm not telling you that I'm the happiest person alive...Sometimes there are bad days... But actually.. I'm really happy most of the time.. Just.. don't think about it... and sometimes... people you only know from a chat/blog/whatever.. can become really close friends.. =)
wowu Joined: Sep 30, '09 Status: Junior User	2009-10-08 22:16:15
	ahocur > It is nice to hear that you manage this. Actually what I believe - changing your point of view at life is the main goal of seeing psychologist and even then everything depends on the person. I hope I could manage to change my thinking. What all this depressive or anxiety moods are about if not about the way we think. ... And no - your point of view is quite original here :) I am glad that there is some way out and it may not need involving national health system :) thanks a lot.
jtg Joined: Oct 18, '09 Status: New User	2009-10-21 09:43:54
	look dude, i don't know you but no matter what you are like you are a person worth living. suicide is such a cop out. i've thought about it too but then i think of what is it going to do to my family? how selfish is that? also, i spent a year of my life in iraq and i've seen death up close and personal, and there is nothing good about it. really man, it's not worth it. i'm 33, have wasted most of my life so i know how you feel, but life is worth living. even at your lowest point you need to find just one thing that gives you some joy. i was really bummed one day and i was sitting outside and i was watching this squirrel (this sounds corny, i know, but bear with me) and i just realized that if that little furball could make me laugh, maybe things weren't as bad as i thought. maybe it's music, or a nice morning, whatever, just find that one thing. as for drugs, i've been on paxil, lexapro, celexa, and i can say that they actually did help me. they don't make you feel any different, per se, but you don't feel down all the time. it's hard to explain. but i know that they helped me. going to a counselor is a pain in the ass, and i have a hard time with it myself, but they can also help. it's good to write down what you think and how you are feeling throughout the week and take that with you. i'm like you, if i just go in there and start talking i never tell them the 'real' problems. anyway...hang in there...cheers
Unanswered Thread:    What to do?! posted by Jeanine 5 hours ago
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