Do I have Avoidant Personality Disorder ?

nicolej Joined: Nov 4, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-04 20:59:04
	I guess the best way to help you guys help me is to tell you all that I can. I am eighteen years old and a freshman in college. I have been painfully shy my whole life. I believe it has really started to hurt me. I have had very few relationships. I have never had a boyfriend, never even really talked to boys. My junior and senior years in high school were lows for me. In the middle of my junior year, things got very dark. I felt sick every morning. I believed everything was wrong with me. I was constantly afraid I had cancer, was going to have a heart attack, and I was absolutely terrified of germs. As that stage of my life faded, my shyness caused me to fall into this period of EXTREME loneliness. My friends drifted away. I was so numb. After school, I would lock myself in my room. It got to the point where I couldn't even cry. I didn't have any feelings. I had this overwhelming urge to bang my head against the wall or slap myself across the face. I would read sad things or watch sad videos in an attempt to make me cry. It rarely worked, though. Like I said, I was so unbelievably numb. This lasted my whole senior year. Now that I am in college, the loneliness turned into depression. I had nowhere to turn. I didn't want to burden my family, so I kept all of this a secret. Tears came easily now. After my classes were finished for the day, I would lock myself in my dorm room and cry for hours. My biggest dream is to become a wife and mother, and I was realizing that this was never going to happen for me because I was so shy. This was/is so painful. Some other things I have forgotten to mention are that I have created fantasty worlds for myself. I am always pretending I am in another life. I have a famous boyfriend, or I am a famous actress/singer. I even played Barbies until a late age because it was another way to create a fantasty world, one that I wished I lived in. Another thing is that I feel I isolate myself on purpose. Because I'm so numb, I feel that maybe when the loneliness creeps up, it gives me something I can feel . . . kind of like the way a cutter harms herself to finally -feel- something. I don't trust anyone except my immediate family. I feel like people don't like me, or that they won't like me if I speak out. That's another thing, if, on the rare chance, someone does speak to me, I have no idea what to say. I may WANT to engage in a conversation, but my mind is blank. They ask me questions, and I'll answer, but I can't elaborate. I feel like people get bored with me because I have nothing to say. I'm sorry this is so long. I've never really told anyone ALL of this about me. It feels good to let it out. And I'm also sorry if something doesn't make sense; I typed very quickly. So, do you think I show signs of Avoidant Personality Disorder ? If so, what should I do ? I appreciate any help or even kind words.
ulquiorra Joined: Aug 4, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-11-05 09:33:25
	yeah looks like some signs of avoident. first just social anxiety then evolved into avoident. i think its mostly anxiety cause avoidents tend to say what ppl want to hear automaticly to avoid beeing difrent in anyways etc. its alweys a posibility to go to somthing to help you with this. but you might need money soo you could tell your parrents about it if you think they take it seriusly. and they help you taking the first step perhaps. well your alweys welcome on this forum here :P well theres alweys the opertunity to perhaps look for someone who you know is alike you. like same stuff soo you wont embarese your self of your intrest etc. if theres someone like that there. well its alweys easyer just getting stuff out or down on papper soo keep writing here about stuff could help. well perhaps people pic on you cause they tend to do that on anyone whos not alike or quiet. dont take that seriusly cause it meens there jerks anyways. had that happend to me a year not that im much anxius tho. anyways good luck bb.
ulquiorra Joined: Aug 4, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-11-05 09:35:01
	btw i have dyslexia and just and abit wierd way of thinking soo there it might be hard to read xD just ask if theres anything you dont understand :P
psychoanAlice Joined: Oct 19, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-11-05 11:08:38
	sounds like AvPD to me. It does get better. Have you tried meditation? I went to a meditation group that was specifically for people with AVPD. According to the people running the group the main way to approach this problem is to try to be willing to engage in social activities despite feeling these ways. Basically a fake it til you make it strategy. The more you avoid, the worse it gets. If you can just accept that you feel all of these ways and they are just thoughts, it gives you a little space to maneuver. Not an easy solution by any means but I have found it to be quite helpful. Also being willing to fail. I had to do a two hour oral exam in front of 3 professors and the way I got through it was by deciding that the worst thing that could happen would be if I didn't try. I basically was like 'ok i know i'll fail because people always hate me in groups but at least i tried, that is some kind of victory.' and it worked. well, that attitude plus a little ativan anyway.
Hossam Joined: Nov 6, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-06 10:11:08
	Hey Nicole, look I have a lot to say but to make a long story short, I know exactly what you're going through, I think I have Avoidant Personality Disorder too, I know that's not very helpful, but the good part is, I think I found a way out of it, I think I can help you, better yet, I think you can help me too. Don't want to pressure you though, I'll give you my e-mail here, whenever you feel like talking, we can start,u don't need to say much, just a "hi" would do, okay. Take care.
Hossam Joined: Nov 6, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-06 10:12:06
	My email: [no emails]
Hossam Joined: Nov 6, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-06 10:13:45
	sam_rek , hotmail
8Lions Joined: Oct 7, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-11-07 11:49:47
	Hossam, prey on teenage girls much?
CosmoAwesmo Joined: Jun 20, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-11-07 11:52:51
	Ya know, I've been craving teenage flesh lately...
Hossam Joined: Nov 6, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-09 14:43:49
	Nope, simply trying to help, cause I passed through exactly the same stages she's passing through now
lexie Joined: Oct 24, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-10 09:24:35
	I understand the blank mind thing. Just today I was coming back from college with a couple of classmates. They were all laughing and constantly talking, well, the usual girl stuff... And I just couldn't say anything but some Yeahs and Sure. I was forcing myself to come up with something to add to the conversation - nothing! I convinced myself it doesn't even have to be funny or amazing, just plain, normal conversation. Feels like my brain is like a black hole- information can get in, but there is no response- nothing comes out and I just keep quiet and smile.
Walty Joined: Nov 8, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-10 11:36:13
	The story you tell starts at age 18. At that age you can already have a background in which lots of things may have happened that caused this (usually things that you don't like). Any idea?
Hossam Joined: Nov 6, '10 Status: New User	2010-12-13 14:00:07
	Hey again Nicole. It's been some time since I last wrote you. I'm sorry if my way sounded rude or intruding, I'm usually very sensitive when it comes to privacy cause I'm avoidant myself but I was just so eager to help you. I hope it's not too late and that you still check the replies cause I just wanted to say I understand what u'r going through and it's all gonna be okay. I'm a student at college too, just 1 year older than you, so I know how tense life can get at our age. But I promise you, you can get yourself through and out of this. At least out enough so u'd be able to carry on normally with ur daily life. U'll find a way, u'll learn. There will be pain and it will be hard, but u'll know what to do.Gradually, u'll cry less and talk more, u'll find someone, maybe just 1 person, in whom u can confide and trust and they'll be ur outlet. Then u'll gain friends and gradually know more people. Ur parents can help too but u need to let them in, give them a chance. A professional psychiatrist will help u see ur life from an angle totally different from the one u see it through now and believe me it will help, alot. Trust me, u can do it, it will take time but u just need to be insistant about gradually getting better. It's only a matter of baby steps, have a target for 5 months, to say "hi" or "good morning" and send a quick soft smile to any of ur class mates as u enter or leave ur classroom, even if u don't know them. U don't need to talk more than that, just a hi and a smile. Then u work gradually up the ladder, take one more step and add it to the ones u took before: a very very brief conversation once a week, then once every two days, then once every day, brief conversations, conversations, slightly longer conversations than usual...etc. From the bottom of my heart I wish u all the best. Still, don't hesitate to reply here or email me anytime u feel like it, even if u think u shouldn't bother. I'd love to help. Take care.
nicolej Joined: Nov 4, '10 Status: New User	2010-12-13 17:54:36
	Hey you guys. I forgot to check back here after I posted this ! I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all of you and your words of advice. I went to the doctor and received medication for the depression. It has helped tremendously ! I am also now seeing a psychologist to work on the AvPD (he diagnosed me). Again, I just want to thank you all for the comfort. It's going to be a long, difficult journey, but I know I can get through this ! Happy holidays. : )
purplerain Joined: Jun 3, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-12-13 17:57:59
	i think you should go to the hypocndriac site sounds like you think your sick all the time and not I have two sisters that r the worst hypocondriacs in the world they r always running from er to er
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