Do you think your parents caused it?

workingonit Joined: Oct 19, '10 Status: New User	2010-10-20 17:12:23
	@psychoanAlice: Yeah, I am going to therapy. Luckily, I've had friends through the years who have reacted very strongly to things my mother has said, things I otherwise would have thought normal, but which they found shocking and appalling. So I got validation that way, which I'm very happy for, as it made me realize that it wasn't my fault, it wasn't me who was the problem -- my mother was. Is. I have struggled with being taken seriously before, especially by adults (when telling about bullying etc. to both my mother and other adults), so it's an immense releif to, as you say, be able to feel entitled to the way I remember the past and my feelings, and also get confirmation from psychologists who have a lot of experienc delaing with such problems, who do not simply shrug at my problems and say it's nothing compared to a lot of other stuff, but indeed confirm that it wasn't the way it should have been, and that I'm still not being treated in a way that is healthy for me. Strangely (or maybe not?), I've often found myself apoligizing for my mum, defending her; I remember once I wrote how she said she hated me because I wanted to visit my boyfriend in England, and asked about buying tickets the day after he left because the prices go up so fast and so on, and to put it short, she was reacting extremely strongly, calling me horrible things, running dramatically in and out of the room, claiming I only thought of him and done nothing else and that I was obsessed (when in reality, I've always been a "perfect" daughter -- did my homework, got great grades, did a lot of chores (even washing my own clothes and my brother's shirts by hand, which in retrospect seems quite sick thing to start doing at 11 years old until I moved out), played the piano, didn't go to parties or drink or smoke, stayed at home and read most of the time, did what they told me to and so on)). I wrote this in a friends only journal (online) just few minutes after it happened (so I know now that I didn't misquote her or anything), and a lot of my friends were infuriated. In the next post, she'd amazingly agreed to let me go -- albeit on a whole lot of insane terms (even stricter discipline, more chores, less time with friends), and I wrote how she can explode and be unpredictable, but that I do love her and she is indeed a nice person. So in a way, I was negating what I'd said earlier. One could say that I was indeed seeing both sides of the issue -- as much as I could at 17, anyway -- but I regret to this day the way I defended her and was so submissive and utterly thankful for something that shouldn't have been such an immensely huge deal in the first place, and for those insane terms. Meh. I think most of my friends were a bit skeptical, and with good reason. My mom can change personalities in seconds -- one second, it's "Oh come here little darling, you're so sweet, kiss ki--- WHAT?!!? YOU DIDN'T PICK UP THE SOCK ON THE FLOOR? YOU EVIL BASTARD KID, YOU ARE ONLY OUT TO ANNOY ME, YOU ARE AN IDIOT!!!" and so on. Sorry for the rant, got a bit carried away, but it's nice to have found a forum like this where I feel I can be understood. Actually, I knew about this forum for a while, or at least the disorder test, seeingas I took the personality disorder test for the first time when I was 15-16 or so (and posted it in aforementioned online journal, actually -- nic way to keep track of symptom development), and I've seen a "forum" link before but never even thought of looking into it. Kinda glad I did.
workingonit Joined: Oct 19, '10 Status: New User	2010-10-20 17:13:12
	"In the next post, she'd amazingly agreed to let me go" I mean, the next day she'd agreed, and that's why the next journal post was about this, in case this was unclear.
psychoanAlice Joined: Oct 19, '10 Status: New User	2010-10-20 17:24:01
	yes very clear. will write a longer response later but i totally identify with your experience. good that you are getting therapy. re: the thing about defending her even though she was behaving outrageously (actually, I am doing this to my therapist right now, hmmm) - it reminds me of this article called "A servant's bargain" by Svetlana Bonner, available on the psychInfo database if you have access to university libraries. it says that people who have very inconsistent parenting will learn their parent's viewpoint so minutely and kind of pretend to themselves that everything is good in order not to lose that all important attachment, but in the meantime they lose themselves.
lexie Joined: Oct 24, '10 Status: New User	2010-10-24 10:37:01
	I think my parents were not the main reason, but had a part in it. I was a shy child and didn't really know how to stand up for myself. My mother was a real fighter herself as a kid so as she later told me, she just thought it has to come naturally, you learn to defend yourself, but if you dont -too bad, no one will ever do it for you.So in the end I had no idea how to be brave and protect myself, plus I was made sure my parents wont defend me... I think at that point I started to avoid situations that might harm me emotionally. I have never been bullied but the most hurtful words have come from a couple of close friends I had back at school. Some remarks were made about my weight. Not only I developed eating disorders in the following years, but figured out that if friends hurt me that much, what might be said behind my back by strangers ?! That's why I haven't ever been able to let people close to me again... And to this day, everytime Im in a group of new people I believe they automatically dislike me or talk behind my back. And its easier just to avoid any kind of gatherings at all, so I dont spend the next few days obsessing about what thay might have thought about me. Even though there is nothing I would like more than to be outgoing and have friends, this barrier in my brain has been made to 'protect' me and I'll try my hardest to get over it, now that I know Im not the only one and the therapist wont send me straight to a madhouse.
StarGirl80 Joined: Oct 9, '10 Status: New User	2010-10-24 15:23:55
	Here's another reason why I think it's hard to confront the parents: Your parents are usually your main source of love and stability from the day you are born. To burst their bubble is a terrifying idea. This is true no matter how old you are now. When I look into my mother's eyes, I feel afraid to hurt her feelings and rock the boat. Unfortunately, it's so much easier to avoid her.
psychoanAlice Joined: Oct 19, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-10-24 16:42:09
	start hurting them, it will grow on you
SimoneM Joined: Nov 27, '09 Status: New User	2010-11-15 11:58:16
	i know the feeling i think my parents caused my problems too. Because my dad and my moms new boyfriend are both alcoholic's and and my mom,dad, and the new boyfriend is doing drugs (Weed) and it have been like that as long as i remember. my mom and her boyfriend always fight and we dont really have any money, its a secret i can never tell anyone and even when im with people i feel lonely.. everyday i want to die and it sucks.. i cant get any help because no one is listening.. life i hard and im alone.
purplex8 Joined: Nov 13, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-16 03:14:43
	In short, my answer is no. My parents did not cause this in me. I did this to myself. At the age of four I did something wrong (don't know what it was) and in trying to plea my way out of the situation of my parents wanting to punish me (spanking), being upset with me, and not trusting me, I told them that my conscience wouldn't let me do it again. That's when I conciously activated my inner critic, my conscience, with the specific mission of keeping me under control. I never wanted to be punished again. So my conscience responded to this goal by never letting me forget/forgive myself for mistakes, constantly berating myself for them, and even resorting to proactive self-hate. All to keep me in line. Religion would come along soon after and re-enforce the value of being good/perfect/meek. About all I could "blame" my parents for was their personality types. My dad more so. He's a quiet, un-emotional guy and unconciously I grew up very similar to him. So conciously I decided that expressing myself was bad and got me into trouble. Unconciously I learned that emotions really shouldn't be shown. I have the feeling that I'm missing something in this post....that I'm not expressing it clearly enough. :p
psychoanAlice Joined: Oct 19, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-11-16 10:39:07
	>I have the feeling that I'm missing something in this post....that I'm not expressing it clearly enough. :p lol, your anger maybe? i think it's necessary to get in touch with the ways one blames one's parents before being able to move on
Walty Joined: Nov 8, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-17 12:15:44
	Seems pretty obvious that your mother's influence is a major factor, both because a child can copy certain manners of behaviour from the parents, and because of the restrictions that limited opportunities for social developments. I think in the outside world there are also a lot of things that would make a person insecure, but in such a situation as you describe the family life hasn't offered a lot of confidence against that. Maybe sometimes it adds up to each other for that reason. Do you have any clues why your mother became like that?
Walty Joined: Nov 8, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-17 12:25:14
	Hmm confronting your parents, that would be a hard job anyway. The older they are, the more inflexible they get, and they would have to do the trouble to take a position that's exactly the opposite of the ruler and the advisor they've always been. Do you think that would be easy? I think one of the options is to be content with that love that she's been able to show, I'm sure it is there and that it's sometimes been in disguise as well like those fears that something would happen to you.
Walty Joined: Nov 8, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-17 12:38:10
	In the end it will appear anyway that your mother is not the cause but that there are further causes behind that that influenced her in turn. She has a psyche too :-)
ella Joined: Jun 13, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-11-23 13:53:41
	Against you guys, my parents aren't bad I guess. At least they don't seem to be on the surface. They both have TERRIBLE tempers, and when they start yelling there is nothing I can do to tell them they are in the wrong. I've tried to run away twice. I think I am shy and quiet because I'm afraid to say anything to start them off, and I actually physically CAN'T yell back and tell them how I feel, every time I try I start crying. Its so frustrating. I'm 16, so I still have to live with them. As for StarGirl80, I hope you don't take offense, but I think your mum might have personality disorders as well, if she won't answer the door and doesnt want you to make friends. Hip, I would tell my parents how I feel, I really would, but I get scared. My Dad isn't afraid to be violent, he never has been.
screaming Joined: Nov 20, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-23 13:58:33
	for me yes its a mixture of my father figure, my actual dad, and my mother. I don't blame her as much mostly because i feel like i owe her for not aporting me considering she was prego at 16 but then again at time i wish she would have...or atleast given me up
sodepressed Joined: Nov 21, '10 Status: New User	2010-11-27 14:44:37
	Yeah it was my moms fault. I was so freakin sheltered. I couldn't even talk to boys when I was in the 9th grade without her standing right there. If I wanted to go out with friends in 8th and 9th grade I had to take my 5 year old sister. I was so bored and tired that I ran away. Might be when my bpd kicked in bc I became very hot in the pants. I still have trouble asking for things. I hate conflict in anyway and I hate asking for help or needing anyone. I hate dealing with life although I want to be able to take care of my business. My mom has always handled ALL of my affaits like Dr appointments paying bills. It took me a while to do things on my own.
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