Thread Topic: Where I stand
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SomethingWitty
Joined: Aug 7, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-07 01:03:07 |
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Alright, well. This is going to be long, and it will probably end up being complicated, but here goes. First off, minor background. 18, male. Graduated at 16, been in college since graduation (off on summers). Was homeschooled until the 7th grade. I've never been to a psychologist so basically I'm using my results to confirm something I've diagnosed for myself long ago. My results: Paranoid: Low Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Moderate Borderline: Moderate Histrionic: High Narcissistic: Low Avoidant: Very High Dependent: Very High Obsessive-Compulsive: High Almost every single one of these has me pinpointed, especially Avoidant (why I'm here) and Schizotypal. So! Onto my problems and symptoms (and boy, there are a lot) Let's start with my interactions. I've never been physically anxious when around large groups of people - in fact, I find that it's comforting in a way I'll describe later - but if I ever am put into a conversation with someone I instantly freeze up. This is especially true with complete strangers - I'm so involved in trying to make a good impression that I do the complete opposite. I've also found that I try to garner sympathy and pity (due to this disorder, or so it seems) because I like the attention; the attention, however, brings so much awkwardness with it that the cycle continues. I find that being in a large crowd kind of excuses my awkwardness, at least in my mind: If I can slip into and out of rooms and go unnoticed, I feel normal. Of course, people very rarely approach me. I don't even know why, if it's some visible cue or some vibe or something. I also find that, if someone does ask if something's up, I'll make up a response like "I'm fine, I'm just tired" or "I've got a headache" when what I really want to do it spill the beans right there - especially if it's someone I know. However, I'm never able to say a thing, out of fear of embarrassment or even the feeling that, if I told someone, I'd be an inconvenience to that person. I'm incredible prideful but also incredibly meek - I never want to burden someone else with something I'm dealing with. Like I said earlier, I've never shown physical symptoms like I've seen others report - merely being in a group of people doesn't make me uncomfortable, unless that group is only a collection of 3 or 4 people. If that happens, I end up forcing myself to the outside of the circle to avoid anyone asking me to join in. Since I'm starting to ramble about random things that I can think of that seem to fit, I'll toss in an example to break things up. I was at a small pool party for a bunch of people that I know as acquaintances. The entire time I longed to feel comfortable just chatting with someone, like it seemed everyone else was capable of doing. I wanted to be able to flirt like some of the more charismatic people in the group. I didn't want to be the center of attention, but I also didn't want to be the guy sitting out on any fun. Of course, any time I'd go to try and push my boundaries I'd stop myself for fear of being that creepy guy at the party or that I'd look like a dang fool. So what did I do for that couple of hours? I ended up ghosting everyone - by which I mean I'd show up to a gathering, everyone would leave shortly after (without me being part of any conversation), I'd sit there to make it look like it was my intention to just sit alone for a bit but I actually moved over there so I could hang out with them, and then eventually make it look like I wanted to do something else. Repeat this cycle for 4 hours or so, and that's what I experienced. And on the off chance I did end up getting to talk to someone, my rhetoric and complex, vague, and painfully awkward conversation ended up making me feel so pitiful that I'd break off the conversation so I could restrain myself from looking any more like an idiot. I ended up just telling myself that I was "giving up" (my actions, however, continued). Basically, I have issues, compounded by my awareness of my issues and my incredible fear of them. It's so bad that I can't even ask an easy *question* to a stranger, for fear that I'll look stupid for asking. All of this wouldn't be a problem if I didn't care that I was destined to be a loner. However, I love the feeling (or, well, whatever I get when I'm actually - rarely - able to get through a conversation without tripping over myself) of being with people and hanging out with them. Worse off, I have no idea how to deal with it, or even cope with it. I'm unable to go through with a compromise: If I could get it through my head that I'm going to be a loner, that's awesome and my problems are solved. Or, if I could just face my fears and talk with a random person and not care, my problems are solved. I cannot do either. I also am incapable of tracking down a psychiatrist for a number of reasons (or excuses, depending on one's POV): 1. I'm a college student with an abysmal income who just can't afford it. 2. I have no idea how to find and contact anyone to actually get the help. 3. Assuming I found someone, I'd end up lying to them about my issues anyway and it'd be a complete waste of time. 4... There's more but it's 4 AM (the only time I could convince myself I could go through with posting this) so I can't think of another one. Now, yes, these are all excuses based on that "They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them." sentence. I experience that a lot too all over my life - college choice, getting a license (I finally just got mine a few weeks ago because I couldn't convince myself earlier to apply myself), you name it. I'm sure procrastination even fits in there somewhere as well. I feel as if I need to post more, but looking at what I've written, I've deduced that I've bored half of the people to sleep or to leave and the other half is too confused to follow because of my word choice and sentence structure, so I'll wrap it up here. If anyone, anyone, ANYONE, has anything that could help me out, it is EXTREMELY appreciated. You might never even know how much it'd be appreciated, but it will be. |
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Unanswered Thread: My results posted by lucky13 31 minutes ago |
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monimoo
Joined: Aug 10, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-10 06:18:55 |
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Hi SomethingWitty, Wow. You are amazing. Your truthfulness astounds me. I wish more people could articulate themselves as well as you do. My heart breaks for you and I know how you feel. I have felt the same way most of my life and I'm not young like you are ( I don't know why I feel you are young). I am a married woman with 2 children and I just feel for you so so much. I just stumbled across this site by accident. It's very late and I have to go to bed, I'm sorry, but I will talk again tomorrow. I'm in Australia. I'm not someone who usually does this, so should I tell you that? Anyway, you are honest so I can be too. Can you hang in there until we talk again tomorrow? Just know that you are most definately not alone with this problem. It is Extremely common but most people hide it. I really think that the more sensitive and intelligent people feel this way, their senses are heightened somehow. There is nothing wrong with you. It will get better, and I want to help you. I have to go now but I will return. Sending you my love and compassion - something that I think you are needing. |
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monimoo
Joined: Aug 10, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-12 03:55:55 |
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Something Witty, are you there? |
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Unanswered Thread: where do you go to get your test marks? posted by Dark 10 days ago |
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