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Loki
Joined: Aug 15, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-15 11:57:35 |
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self awareness makes bearing disorders easier both my parents were like this. my mother rebelled, skipped school, went to bars to meet men when she was 14 or so. and that was her decent side. later she joined a cult and tried to convert everyone. then she married a guy who brandished and fired a shotgun at her and the rest of us. and so on. admittedly its easier now than in her time theres more information available. |
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Unanswered Thread: What to do?! posted by Jeanine 4 hours ago |
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098765
Joined: Aug 15, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-16 07:14:37 |
| well nobody knows who you are lol | |
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Hip
Joined: Aug 10, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-16 12:21:44 |
| Your IP is logged and they can find out who you are in a matter of days if necessary. | |
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henrietta
Joined: Jun 13, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-08-17 09:38:33 |
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i hope you haven't been admitting to hugely illegal things on the internet in hopes no one could find you 098765. and no i have not killed anyone, and if i had i would have just simple ignored the question since hip is right. |
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098765
Joined: Aug 15, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-31 12:36:26 |
| haha lol im not antisocial im avoidant i like this forum better though you guys are interesting. | |
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OverThere
Joined: Sep 6, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-06 01:28:03 |
| I only read a few of the posts and decided I wanted to say something. I have a problem discerning who I really am. The question of it boils down to a crux: am I willing myself to indifference and amorality in thought and in action or is it beyond my control and is there even a difference between the two? If I will to be this way or that, do I have a choice in what I choose to will? I don't know if that will necessarily make sense to everyone. I will add that I have intensely violent and/or sexual fantasies. I live in my head a lot. I try to act correctly most of the time. I don't want to hate me. And if I know someone, I don't want to harm them. But I don't have much of an emotional investment in the relationship. I'm open to a point and try not to lie often but I do lie if I don't want someone to know something. I don't see meaning in anything. And beyond knowing I should feel guilty for certain thoughts and behaviors, I can't say that I'm plagued my guilt. If I get away with something, I'm pleased that I didn't get caught once I know for sure I've come away from my actions unscathed. I feel like what I want to call guilt is (I believe) more accurately described as regret. I have a lot of regrets, but little or no genuine guilt. I can and can't see the difference at the same time. I feel like the self informs itself how to be; it is an active willing machine and it can render and act once rendered as it wills. Does that make sense? | |
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OverThere
Joined: Sep 6, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-06 01:30:25 |
| I only read a few of the posts and decided I wanted to say something. I have a problem discerning who I really am. The question of it boils down to a crux: am I willing myself to indifference and amorality in thought and in action or is it beyond my control and is there even a difference between the two? If I will to be this way or that, do I have a choice in what I choose to will? I don't know if that will necessarily make sense to everyone. I will add that I have intensely violent and/or sexual fantasies. I live in my head a lot. I try to act correctly most of the time. I don't want to hate me. And if I know someone, I don't want to harm them. But I don't have much of an emotional investment in the relationship. I'm open to a point and try not to lie often but I do lie if I don't want someone to know something. I don't see meaning in anything. And beyond knowing I should feel guilty for certain thoughts and behaviors, I can't say that I'm plagued my guilt. If I get away with something, I'm pleased that I didn't get caught once I know for sure I've come away from my actions unscathed. I feel like what I want to call guilt is (I believe) more accurately described as regret. I have a lot of regrets, but little or no genuine guilt. I can and can't see the difference at the same time. I feel like the self informs itself how to be; it is an active willing machine and it can render and act once rendered as it wills. Does that make sense? | |
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solidface
Joined: Nov 10, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-11 23:07:36 |
| I would agree with Hip on the point that regardless of our predispositions, most all of us have the ability to choose our actions and for the most important things, we know how to behave. Those of us who choose to harm or to behave without regard for others are accountable for our actions and I really think everyone makes mistakes, disordered or not, but self awareness is key. It's never easy and, speaking for myself, it's getting harder and harder, to behave acceptably. I relate really strongly to Henrietta's assertion that her only friends are the ones who work really hard to be her friend. I have a friend like that, a really good person who has become as much a liability to me as a comfort. Beyond that one person, I have a really huge circle of people that I get on with but I'm like a ghost to 99% of them. I feel like all I've done is leave since I was old enough to be on my own. It's almost physically painful to be loved because I don't know how to accept love, let alone reciprocate. What makes it worse is that I do understand how love feels. When I'm alone, out in the woods, I feel love and I feel loved, at one with existence in its entirety because that love is real and unconditional. It just is. That's the only time I really feel okay. I don't want to disrespect people because I know what it means to be disrespected, I've been violated physically and psychologically since I was a small kid but every moment of every day is a struggle to hold myself in this person I'm supposed to be and some days I just can't do it. I was okay in high school because there was room to move and I'm bright and funny, so people liked me and I used to have a buffer, so I would be protected from the people who would want to hurt me. Even when I was out of my mind, I could turn it into a joke and it somehow added to my being a colorful character but as an adult, I've been lost. I have no skills to take care of myself. I can do the laundry and keep house but I can't maintain employment or pay bills or go to classes. I've realized I need real help, some kind of structure and instruction that I can't back out of. I've realized this many times before but it's overwhelming and involves a lot of phonecalls and going to strange places and quite likely relinquishing what little control I feel I have left. Alternately, I know I could just drop everything, go for a walk and never come back. These are the choices it comes down to, to try to square up and get well or to just continue disrespecting myself and others to my own inevitable peril. | |