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haart
Joined: Oct 17, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-17 23:50:48 |
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For the past one or two years, I've started to feel like something's happening to me mentally, and it scares me. I often fantasize about murdering someone, not because I want to watch them suffer, but because I'm curious as to whether I would get away with it. I think up ways that I could do it, and then how I would cover up the evidence. I'm not a real threat, and I would never actually gratuitously murder someone, but I'm starting to disturb myself. I gain no pleasure from intimacy. I find it irksome, not because I'm uncomfortable with my body, but because I find it so mechanical. Perhaps that's what's pressing me to write this, even if no one reads it. I'm feeling more and more like a robot, like a droid, like I'm devoid of humanity. I compulsivly lie, to the extent that I'm not sure what I believe to be true. I feel like some of my memories are hallucinations, because I can't help but manipulate the truth. I use fake identities online, of all ages, genders and socioeconomic statuses. At times, I feel like I'm living a million lives. I never try to hurt people with my lies and fake ID's though, I just enjoy the escapism that comes with being someone else. I realize that without hurting people, by lying and posing as other, I'm being manipulative. I think I am possibly arrogant too, because I've always felt intellectually superior. But emotionally inferior. As for friends. I surround myself with a large circle of friends, but I don't feel close to them. I fake emotion and hide my true feeling. I've never told any of them any of this, or that I cut myself. I dream about packing up and moving to the middle of nowhere, cutting all ties with my current life and becoming a hermit. I enjoy being alone to the extent that leaving my friends forever wouldn't bother me particularly. I'm concerned that I might have some sort of Anti-social personality disorder, but any speculation would be greatly appreciated. I've never seen a doctor because I don't meet the age criteria for having antisocial personality disorder. I'm 15. Thanks so much for reading, any thoughts would be appreciated. Just voicing my thoughts feels wonderful. |
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Unanswered Thread: What to do?! posted by Jeanine 2 hours ago |
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Hip
Joined: Aug 10, '09
Status: Senior User |
2009-10-18 00:33:49 |
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All of your descriptions describe me except the cutting and the faking million online identities. Listen, there's a difference between information/fantasy from actually acting them out. I collect a s---load of textfiles, from detailed information of how to dispose of a dead body and making proper use of thermite to achieve the deadliest explosive damage. I've tested all sorts of pyrotechnics in my backyard and out in the wilderness. I've never used them to harm anyone or damage property, although I could. My philosophy is that digging the motif of criminal behavior is the only way to protect yourself from it, and learn lots of valuable s--- in the process. It's information, and thats what it remains to me. Distinguishing fantasy from reality is the key, and knowing that its wrong to harm someone without a good reason. If you suppress your fantasies and pretend that thinking is a crime then you will grow even more insecure and actually end up the kind of sociopath in your thoughts that disturbs you so much. Just accept who you are and be happy, you sure as f--- wont be changing anytime soon. You should stop cutting though, that's stupid. |
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haart
Joined: Oct 17, '09
Status: New User |
2009-10-18 01:06:04 |
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Thanks so much for reading and responding, it's so comforting to know that I'm not alone. I also collect information about things like that, things like methods of murder carried out by hitmen. I do worry, but I think your philisophy has a lot of merit. That if I treat this weird obsession/fantasy as purely educational, and don't punish myself for thoughts, then it wont ever graduate to being more than that. Thanks again :) |
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Amonisis
Joined: Nov 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-03 09:09:35 |
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[no urls] Hey, you're not alone lol. I've been that way most of my life, apart for a few things like the cutting and whatever. I'm heading into forensic psychology (or maybe forensic pathology) now (I am 19), but when I was 16 I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder and sexual sadism (ex. I get off on hurting/killing stuff). Psychopathy was also mentioned in the reports, but because it is not a DSM-IV diagnosis... I'll just leave that out. With APD I always assumed it couldn't be diagnosed until the person was 18, but apparently if you are 16 (or maybe it was even as young as 15) and have had the symptoms for... I forget the time, they can apply the label as well. Oddly enough, none of the numerous reports done on me included Conduct Disorder, but I'd just assume it was obvious I guess. I was born in Romania in 1989, after the fall of Ceausescu. I lived in an orphanage, deprived of social interaction etc... oh just look up the conditions. Maybe that set the stage? Who knows. When I was a kid, like 11 to 14, I became absolutely obsessed with serial killers. I was very very act focused, that is, the kill meant everything to me. The methods and the numbers. As I matured, I've come to value the process, the mentality behind it, interplay between the killer and victim(s). I no longer read up on silly things like serial killers (lol), I prefer to actually live and experiment in the real world (not as a serial murderer, dolt!). Just after I turned 16, I was an emergency admission to a psychward for homicidal behaviours/ideation. While there I took my chance and convinced a schizophrenic kid and another girl to assist me in killing another patient. This was two days before I was to be released after a few months there because they didn't know what to do about me. When I was admitted, I refused to 'contract not to harm anyone', so all of my clothing and any sharp objects were removed from the unit, I was also locked in my room when staff were not on the floor. My theory is, that because they knew I was to be released and they still wanted me kept in the system, they didn't lock me in my room that evening at shift change, knowing I would do something. And I did, and before you jump to conclusions NO the kid did NOT die, the other person I mentioned (that girl) she left and told the staff when she seen I was dead serious (she was supposed to stay back and be a lookout) and around the time I had realised she had left they were on me. So that's that. I was arrested, on remand, and then put on something resembling an IRCS order (look it up). After a bit of convincing that I wouldn't be 'too dangerous' on the part of the MCFD, I was admitted to the Maples Adolescent Treatment Centre, Crossroads Unit... again, look it up. Alright, enough of that. But yes haart. You're not the only one. I've fantasized about killing for years, and I still do, every day. I've killed/tortured animals my whole life. Faking emotions? Most people do that... to a degree, you see... I DO feel, but I think it is a different quality. Emotions yes, but not in relation to the emotions of others. Lying? Same deal there, it's just a hell of a lot more natural and easy I suppose. I've suprized myself even at times, when I've came up with things on the spur of the moment, totally believable. I wouldn't jump to self-diagnosis though, best to just stay hidden. Unless this is actually distressing you, don't disclose it to people who could identify you, don't raise suspicions. I sure don't talk about this sort of thing to people in my real life, and I wouldn't recommend it obviously. I believe if you have it in you... don't kill it off for the world. You only have one life to live, one perception, you are god, you create every meaning and connotation, any and every subjective experience... if you are not constrained by artificial constructs (of your own perception anyways...) like conscience, then you should use that 'talent' or whatever you want to call it. Nothing outside of yourself exists, that includes your own body and mind, if that makes sense. Restrain the hedonism so far as only to hide as much as you want, to conform if you choose to... but don't deny it. When I got back from the Maples, I had to meet forensics (counsellors) every week... and something they asked me was basically 'if you could change, get a true morality, conscience, sympathetic concerns etc. would you want to?' ... so I asked them 'Well, if you could throw it all away and become like me, would you? How could you expect me to desire something so unfamiliar, I wouldn't even know where to start.' or something, but get what I mean? And killing, only ever kill (assuming you plan on doing it a great deal more than once) things unrelated to you, and not... ugh, nevermind. You likely know all that anyways. =) I also get what you mean by voicing thoughts feeling wonderful, hence why I am on here. It's one of the few places I can be the real me; jail was another. Oddly, I felt more free locked up than I ever did in society (except when I was doing my stuff). Oh, and one thing that really sucks... don't get caught for anything... they keep records of your psych profiles. That was used against me when I applied for a job. Dumb thing, I was literally hired on the spot to do casino security (stuff like Oceans Eleven, not security guards lol) they liked me so much... but when it came to verification at some Gaming Ministry crap... I was called for an interview a few weeks later before I got my security card thing to actually start work, and the ass had copies of my police record and psych profiles... I was turned down for being psychopathic, which is BS. So yeah, be careful... and don't do anything impulsive lol, which, if you're like me and don't actually consider yourself impulsive... is actually pretty difficult. Good luck. |
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Amonisis
Joined: Nov 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-03 09:22:53 |
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Oh... I found the actual 'journal'-ish thing I wrote last year, it has the stuff about those forensics people, I seen them until last September. Some of the stuff they asked. It's sort of long, but whatever I am bored... Those two are counselors… I suppose you’d call ‘em, though they’d like to think of themselves as forensic psychiatrists. Valeria is a short Oriental looking mid 20 (likely older though) year old university student. Judith is in her 50’s (I’d guess) and British, she is the head counselor at Youth Forensics and it is beyond me (and many others) why I am meeting with her seeing as she never meets with people. Another odd thing is that I meet with two at a time, most ever only get one. The whole process there is a joke; I own the entire conversation and manipulate it with such ease. They half heartedly tried to direct it in the beginning, but have up when they seen I viewed it all as crap. They must search themselves for why is it they need to see me every week, I always harp on it and their answers got progressively dryer until one evening, someone said they don’t know why before catching themselves and rattling off the usual court blab. I think, the official reason was, to determine how much of a risk I was out in the community at the time, and then how to deter me and predict what might cause a relapse. At the beginning it was all about how do I feel now about my ‘crimes’ and whatever… until they found I was rather devoid in the feelings department and that was a focus for a while. A classic dialogue between us went something like: ____, if you could change would you? Huh? Like, you mean have empathy and compassion? Yes, would you try it? Well, let me ask you this, if you could throw away your conscience and become like me… would you? How can you even expect me to begin to comprehend what it must be like to experience those things, when you are repulsed by me? Or something like that. That always left them stumped, but it is oh so true. Valeria said she wouldn’t mind knowing what it’s like for a day, clinical reasons only, she made very sure. It’s as if they are afraid of what it would be like, as if they have dirty impulses their conscience keeps hidden and if they became like me they’d act… but at the same time they want to be free. As for an answer to their question, I honestly meant it what I said, I have no idea… I can’t even begin to understand what that must feel like, and like them, I wouldn’t want to… let alone be morally able to. Judith in the first month had me do a repertory grid, it was so boring. I drug it out over three sessions because I was frustrated. Previously, or shortly after, they tried to get me to do some of their usual forensics activities like a “river of my life”… I didn’t. As I said, I owned the direction. It all turned into a seated discussion of whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. They were so stupid about it too, for so many reasons. They’d try and change the topic and I’d catch them and confront them about it etc. I can’t remember all of the silly things that happened in the beginning right now though. Now however it’s been things like: what I get from violence, what the cycle is like and when are the times that I am more likely, what is my future going to be… Judith has a habit of asking very odd sounding questions, I mean, really they aren’t odd considering if she knew all I’ve done but she doesn’t, so they just sound too dramatic. Her inane grin doesn’t help either. A few months ago she started on that tangent… “____, tell me, how do you feel about your victims?” “So, if you’d have killed them, were would you have put their bodies?” (As if I’d tell you!!!) “Does it bother you that you feel no guilt?” “Are you frustrated because the PEOPLE didn’t bleed enough when you stabbed them?” (WTF, I NEVER said anything to her about killing anything or anyone for that matter) “So, you enjoy hearing your victims screams and shouts? Why is that ____? You also like to see them bleed and beg for their lives… did the last one not beg enough, is that why you got so frustrated?” “You like the ones that scream louder better?” And I can’t remember the rest right now but damn… seriously you’d think she was interviewing Ted Bundy or something. Those questions are sort of random, we may already be talking about semi-similar things, and then she’ll drop things like that. I’ve asked her about it a lot as well. She says that they are important questions and she needs to know. So what, I’m arbitrarily a serial killer or something despite the fact I never told her a THING about anything I’ve done? I thought it would get even worse when I started trying to describe the violence cycles… and it did. Haha. I just remembered now, it was things like, “____, if you don’t mind me asking. What would you say your pattern is? Any signature?” …0_0 WTF. Yeah!! Of course, I’m going to tell you so you can catch me, what a great brilliant idea! Dur! “How long would you say your interval is in between… the violence” “What is it like? I mean, the cycle, how does it build up?” “How does it play out right after a, um… after you satisfy it?” And a load of more about victims, preferences, frustrations… just the private life of one ____. Also, there was a thing about two weeks ago where her thing was my sexual gratification from inflicting violence, she’d harp on my masturbation tendencies and get really red in the face. She quit it after two sessions. God damn you Judith, like… wow, I am so totally everything you are itching to say *hear the pseudo sarcasm* JUST SAY IT!! I can hear it clawing through your cranium, eager to fly from your thoughts…. According to her unspoken word I am a juvenile serial killer with no hopes of reform who should be locked away forever because I am a sadistic and psychopathic pedophile, and damn, I must have an impulsive drive to kill and must also be so stupid as to get caught and fall for her idiotic attempts at psychoanalysis and ‘profiling’. |
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solidface
Joined: Nov 10, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-10 23:17:23 |
| I can relate to a lot of this, too. I'm almost twice your age but it's been going on that long. I've been lying since I was a little kid and have almost never been caught and when I have been, I've almost never admitted to it. The cutting thing, I've never done but I take pills and eat bad foods and smoke. Self harm is different for everyone and if you can find alternative ways to deal with your feelings or lack thereof, I strongly recommend it. The murder fantasies, which I've had too, since I was a teenager, have stuck around and changed over the years but I've never acted on them. Other violent urges have come up in recent years, mostly manifesting sexually and I've managed to find people with compatible issues to explore that with but I have been scared that it could escalate to a level of real violence and I wouldn't be able to stop myself from hurting someone, especially someone I kind of like. I relate to the fake emotions. I have emotions but it's like a blessed event when they're appropriate for the situation and usually when there's any event that I should be overjoyed about (graduating high school springs to mind) I just feel numb and irritable. But the emoticon thing, I think it's automatic in online chat. It's like a dance. As long as you know when to step, no one will know the difference and if you use the wrong one, it's a typing mistake. No will know the difference. I think it's good that you're aware of what's going on with you at 15 and that you have a place for support such as this. As long as you stay aware as you get older, hopefully you can have a good life and avoid being as much of a mess as I've become. Do you do well in school? Do you plan on college? I was a terrible student all through school and I've never been able to finish college. I wish I hadn't gone at all because now I'm in serious debt and can't maintain employment, so my parents are stuck with me and my loans until I can figure out an alternative. My credit rating is bad too now, almost completely because of the bad choices I've made impulsively and my attempts to hide the worst of my problems from those around me. It's a house of cards when you get to this point. Travel as light as you can if you want to avoid it. | |
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haart
Joined: Oct 17, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-11 01:16:15 |
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wow Amonisis, I find your insight mesmerising :) thank you so much, just being able to relate is salvation in itself. I think my urge to kill and my lust for violence isn't sexual, I want to be noticed, I want to be heard, I want to scare the s--- out of people and I want to be seen for who I am, the real me, the unadulterated, horrible, twisted me. That's who I want to be, and I find this "wholesome" world I live in so suffocating. I'll find a way to break free, somehow. |
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haart
Joined: Oct 17, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-11 01:19:18 |
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@solidface Yeh, I do okay in school, but my best achievments are always covert. I've hacked our "inpenetrable" network numerous times, and sometimes I think about planting bombs under the buildings. I just wonder if I'll be able to maintain the control you seem to have, or at least the common sense, when it comes to fantasies. I think I'll take your advice and lay low. Stigma and institutionalisation don't sound particularly appealing. Thanks :) |
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HoldenCaulfield
Joined: Nov 17, '09
Status: New User |
2009-11-17 17:27:00 |
| hey, haart, I have the same symptoms as you, except for the cutting. In addition to this, I am an extreme narcissist. | |
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Unanswered Thread: VRIELLIS PLEASE READ posted by Synapse 14 days ago |
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