Antisocial?

odette Joined: Apr 19, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-19 19:12:59
	I am not new to the 4degrees community, but I have just created an account. I am basically here to receive some input on what is "wrong" with me. I am probably either a narcissist or antisocial so keep that in mind as you evaluate. When I was in elementary, it was brought to my attention that I did not react to things like my classmates. During recess I would explore the playground, but experiment with insects, worms, and any small animals that I could find. I would practice different methods of killing on them to see which would be the quickest and which ones would deliver me the most pleasure. I can still remember that another little girl saw what I was doing to a baby finch and she started screaming. A teacher ran over and saw the slowly suffocating bird under a jar. I quickly changed my features and manipulated the situation to make it seem as if the other girl did it as an accident. I didn't feel any guilt as I watched the teacher carry away the hysterical girl. I don't act out anymore I guess. I never harbored any malevolent feelings to my subjects. I feel nothing, nothing except for curiosity and boredom. I briefly experience flashes of amusement from time to time. Now, in my all-girls parochial high school, I instead entertain myself by employing various psychological mind games on my "friends." I have moved on to seeing how different I can make myself from my usual stoic demeanor and as to what degree of believability I can maintain. I acting acting and manipulating because in my opinion, it requires a certain level of prowess and adaptability that episodes of mindless violence fail to exercise. I should have probably have addressed this sooner, but I have been abused. It is most likely not to the degree that some of you have experienced but I can almost certainly say that my father is the reason for my emotional coldness. My father is extremely religious. As his sole child and daughter, all of his expectation lie on my shoulders. Thus, I cannot dishonor or embarrass him. This equates to not looking like a "whore" by just talking to the opposite sex. I never cared for his rules but instead for what I myself wanted. The first time he hit me was when I was 3 years old. I was playing with my mother's makeup and I came to greet my father to see if he would be pleased with my mimicry of my mother. He was not pleased. He started to slap me until I became unconscious. Until last year he would occasionally hit me when I would "disappoint him." Last year, when I was 13, a boy from my class called my home. He found my number by asking one of the girls I usually talk to. My father was the one to pick up the phone. When my father talks to other people he sounds to likable. This was soon disproved when he dragged me inside the bathroom and locked us in. He the proceeded to hit me. When I fell he started kicking me. When I had to lean on the wall to support myself, he put his hands around my neck and squeezed. I was screaming and crying the entire time, pleading for him to stop. My mother was in the next room watching TV. When I came to her the next morning she said she didn't hear me. I feel something akin to anger when I think that he has had an effect on my personality, but he has. I want to kill him. Maybe I would have turned out differently if he loved me. Maybe not. I have never told anyone all of this. I would hope that you all can at least reward my efforts with honesty and insight. Feel free to let me know if you require further information.
stuff Joined: Feb 28, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-04-19 19:18:28
	history of abuse, abuse to animals, lack of regret. yea, u seem to b antisocil. then again, im not even done w. high school so maybe u should gte an actual doctor for a dignosis.
Xallbe Joined: Apr 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-19 19:22:13
	Thank you for the reply. I don't think I would be able to get a doctor Even if I wanted to since my father would want to prevent me from telling anyone.
Obsidian Joined: Jan 22, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-04-19 19:22:58
	When you started to cry and scream last year when your father beat you up, was that out of curiosity or boredom? :P Anyways, sounds more like antisocial than narcissist. But one doesn't really exclude the other.
Xallbe Joined: Apr 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-19 19:30:05
	@ obsidian I screamed and cried for neither reason. I did so because that is what people usually do to get someone to stop hurting them. It's a shame that I had to go through that degradation for nothing e.e. If your question was rhetorical or sarcastic I apologize. Verbal techniques such as those don't translate well into text. And about the narcissim, I harbor a vast amount of pride. I also think that I am better than most people.
Xallbe Joined: Apr 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-19 19:31:17
	Btw this is my username now :D srry for the inconvienience.
Obsidian Joined: Jan 22, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-04-19 19:36:42
	I don't see why you didn't resist. What did you gain from not doing so? Or do you fear him? Which wouldn't be very antisocial. "I also think that I am better than most people." A narcissist sees himself as better than all people. I see myself as better than everyone else too, but I don't consider myself to be a narcissist. I'm way better than those. (sarcasm) :D
Xallbe Joined: Apr 18, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-19 19:41:24
	@ obsidian I didn't resist because my initial reaction to most negative events is to retaliate in some way. I guess I was angry at having my pride abused by being hit so I channeled it into screaming. I guess it was better than doing what I actually wanted to do. Scratching his face off. ;)
stuff Joined: Feb 28, '10 Status: Junior User	2010-04-19 20:33:15
	>Obs "Or do you fear him? Which wouldn't be very antisocial." complete lack of fear doesnt show if a person is antisocal. yes, there is being recklessness, being impalsive, and disregarding things like safty but that dosnt nessarly mean no fear.
haart Joined: Oct 17, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-04-19 20:42:41
	Do you have a history of "delinquency" or criminal misdemeanor? It's plausible that you're mildly antisocial.
Hip Joined: Aug 10, '09 Status: Senior User	2010-04-19 21:14:00
	Oh f---ing CHRIST man....... "My father is extremely religious. As his sole child and daughter, all of his expectation lie on my shoulders." RELIGION RELIGION RELIGION RELIGION! _DO_ SOMETHING YOU DUMB MOTHERf---ERS, MAKE SOMETHING, CONTRIBUTE, EDUCATE YOURSELF. A guy even burned a Bible on stage a couple years ago (cant recall the name). He declared it a sick, convoluted p---obook full of rape and all kinds of perversions. He said even conventional p--- is holier than the Bible, because at least you dont see a son f---ing his mother there. Words cant describe what a radical f---ing evil DISEASE religion is and all the suffering its responsible for, odette being yet another victim. And all society knows is to blame the victim and label them "antisocial". ACH! f---ing makes me sick. DIE already you useless parasite pieces of s---, you are beyond irrelevant and unfit to live in a civilized world. How long do i have to wait before your reeking piss stains you left on the planet are gone? odette, you have my deepest condolences that you had to endure all that as a child and grow up to be mentally unstable. I would personally break your father's bones if we ever met, and let you finish him off once i'm done with him. I wish i could say theres a magical pill that could cure your traumas and insecurities so you could be a happy person again, but the damage thats done is permanent, and re-adapting to normal life and bonding with other people will be a slow process. Best regards.
Obsidian Joined: Jan 22, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-04-19 22:59:10
	>Xallbe If I were you, I would see this as a perfect opportunity. Being able to kill someone you hate and getting away with it. Provoke the dude, get hit, stab him, cry in front of police. There's no chance they would blame the abused 14 year old daughter. :P (Not encouraging)
Obsidian Joined: Jan 22, '10 Status: Senior User	2010-04-19 22:59:40
	>Stuff I never said that.
odette Joined: Apr 19, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-20 02:08:49
	I chaned my mind. I'm using the odette username. @ haart I don't tend to take the rules seriously. When in do break the rules I never get caught. Does it still count as delinquency?
odette Joined: Apr 19, '10 Status: New User	2010-04-20 02:11:38
	@ hip I appreciate everything you just wrote. It's nice to know that someone wouldn't tolerate his jackassery.
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