Hello, I read some of your poetry ( not all of it yet...I will read more later or while i'm talking to people here )
I wrot down little comments and things that can help. I really like what you're doing with it...i just have a few suggestions. Here ya go....try if ya like...keep it how it is if ya don't :)
the poem "hurt"
in the 2nd stanza- take out the"and" to make it
"this is killing me inside"
and take out "but"
"one day pain'll subside"
just to help the rhythem and flow
"all i do is hurt you
it's tearing me in two
"never meant for this to happen" instead of
"i didn't mean for this to happen
a little choppy but good :)
NOT 1- good peom really like- sad but assertive!
NOT II- you might want to space out lines more so it doesn't look like long sentences such as,
"you wanna screw up
be my guest
you never wanted
to be a part of this family....etc"
YOU
somewhat choppy- can be fixed with simples words such as
"you only care about yourself
no one ever but you
what you say
bounces off of me and sticks to you....etc"
MISS YOU
good somewhat choppy in some places
OVER
1st stanza- maybe change "why did" to "why'd"
somewhat chopy- can really relate to this one!
VIOLENCE
really liked (hope it didn't happen)
-somewhat choppy- some times don't need to make words into contractions to keep flow and rhythem going :)
i hope i helped! good peoty..will read more later too :)
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Re: Hello........ - spidermonkey02 - Apr 24-04 3:33pm